massive brain fart x(

Super Duck's picture

I have not had any social interaction in three days. :| I am such a loser. I guess it's because I have horrible problems with being social within the past few years. I am not a "loner" or anti-social, but I have social anxiety. ( It was really bad in sixth and seventh grade, but it nearly disappeared completely by the middle of eighth, and unfortunately came back once that ended. I think it developed as a result of my peers treating me like shit for whatever reasons they could find (which were usually stupid, such as my lack of an accent, me being non-religious, the fact that everyone is practically twice my freaking height since I'm only 5'3", and, of course, me being a lesbian. Thank goodness the person who led most of the teasing moved 750 miles away a few months ago).

I want to talk to my friends, but they all have lives that don't involve eating instant macaroni and playing video games until their eyes burn. All of a sudden, I don't know what to say to any of them without sounding stupid and annoying. It's like I am having a major brain block on life. x(

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that all of my really good friends are leaving. Two of them, who are older than me, are going to college, but they are both going to colleges under an hour away in the same state as we live in. (My mom's going to college too, because she wasn't allowed by her parents when she was younger, and I think one of my friends is actually going to the same college as her. o__o Imagine if they were classmates!)

Then there is one of my other friends, who is only one year older than me. She had to move a few hours away into another state, and she hates it so far. I've actually talked to her a lot in the past couple of weeks; one day last week, we talked for three hours. She kind of scares me a bit because she was somehow able to detect that I was upset through text messages, when I didn't even hint at it at all. And THEN she asked, "Is it ******** (crush's name)?" And I haven't ever even told her about that. It was really weird. I asked her why she'd think that, and she said it was "because she told me you are friends and that she thinks you're really cool." (Hmm...)

And then, of course, there's my friend who I like. x( I haven't talked to her in a few weeks, and I feel horrible about it. I miss her so, so much, but I don't know what to say to her without fear of being annoying. Should I tell her that I miss her? I have no idea... All I know is that I miss those gorgeous, ocean-blue eyes. :( I could go on and get all sickeningly sappy, but I don't want to cause anyone to puke or anything, haha. Well, there's zero hope of seeing her right now, anyway, because according to a social networking site, she's at the beach.

It's so stupidly frustrating that I have this new fear of being irritating to my friends. I've talked to them thousands of times before, and I never annoy them... Ugh, I have no idea what the fuck is going on. -_-

Anyway, I have a sister who is eight years younger than me. Sure, she's still really young, but she is like, the most unpleasant kid ever. x( I'm not just saying that. I truly believe it. She's in the first grade, and my parents haven't bothered to teach her any manners whatsoever. She is freely allowed to sneeze and cough all over me if she "doesn't want to get her coloring book wet," and I get in trouble if I get mad about it. Hmm, when I was six, we were taught to cover our mouths... My parents also allow her to barge into my room at any given time, and she is given anything she wants just because she screams so damn loud. She stole my grandfather's big screen TV that my grandma bought due to his bad eyesight. She gets all up in my cat's face and squeezes his head and pulls his tail, and she wonders why he hates her. She eats piles and piles of junk food and leaves it on the floor for bugs to get into. My grandma is turning her into a kiddie Baptist fundamentalist by taking her to the super racist church in town (They drove their preacher out of town because he brought some children of another race to church one day... in 1998. Yes, only eleven years ago.) and makes her feel bad for missing a week of it. I can't stand that freaking place. It's so dreary and hateful, plus one of my least favorite teachers of all time goes there. (She deliberately gave tests we'd fail because "high class averages don't look good for the teacher" and was batshit freaking insane and couldn't keep her religion and politics out of the classroom. One day, she and a certain friend of mine had a fifteen minute argument on what constitutes a family. The teacher initiated it. She also told me specifically to rejoin her church.) I had to go to the racist church until I was eleven or twelve, then one Sunday, the preacher guy gave a sermon on the inferiority of women and gays, and I was old enough to understand what he was saying, so I never went back.

I digress. The point of mentioning my sister is that yesterday, she did one of her customary barging-ins of my room and took note of some of the gay things I have. So she asks me, "Ew, why would a girl like another girl?"

And I'm not allowed to explain ANYTHING to her. :| Ever. I tried once when she asked me why I don't have a boyfriend, but my mom freaked out and cut me off. My parents aren't homophobic, but they just aren't allowing it to be explained to her when she asks. I don't know why. My mom basically just gives my sister a free pass to be a complete asshole where that subject is concerned. I don't get it. I mean, she knows that my parents are married, right? So why can't we tell her that some boys like boys and some girls like girls?


in rainbows's picture

about the little sister wondering about gay ppl

i have basically the same problem, but i try to ignore it as much as humanly possible.she's young and she doesnt understand. although my mom's side of the family does play a part in her acting like an "asshole" simply by the fact that they tell her that being gay is "wrong and god doesnt like it" i was reading a magazine one day and an article about two good celebrity friends (both happened to be girls, and i dont remember their names), my sister walks up and looks at the picture and says "ewww they're gay! you know g-d doesnt like gay people." that really bothered me so i told her that that isnt a nice thing to say,and how would she feel if someone thought she was yucky cause of something she liked. and that solved it for a while....but then again they are just little kids, they might under stand when they get a bit older.

"in true love the smallest distance is too great, yet the greatest distance can be broken."

Super Duck's picture

I know that she's young and

I know that she's young and doesn't understand, but I don't want her to get her information from the stupid people who live around where I do. They'll tell her we're all crazed, pyschopath murderers who rape babies or something equally far-fetched and ridiculous. D:

in rainbows's picture


thats true. i dk why people are so ignorant sometimes, especially on subjects that are a bit tender.

"in true love the smallest distance is too great, yet the greatest distance can be broken."