Misery of the Missing

Disney's picture

So lots has gone on since my last entry... ala my boyfriend still being my boyfriend, and my having fallen in love with him. This happens to be just a week or two before he has now happened to fly away from me. For real. Ain't love grand?!

I actually do love him, and for the past several weeks have been having the time of my life. He did indeed move in, and plans were for an entire summer's stay, but right now he's home and in need of some documentation before he can come back for the rest of summer.

I don't feel as crushed as I imagined, mainly because up until about FOUR days ago, I thought this boy I'd fallen in love with would be gone for a YEAR, since I assumed getting the docs he needs wouldn't happen. At this point, I'm in love enough that a long distance relationship is going to happen, and I won't know until next week if that's going to be fired off in July, or if I'll have July+August with him again, and thus still sadly start LDing in September.

I'm not really sure which is more bearable. It actually makes me sick that this has happened, having known him just about a month and falling in love like I've always wanted, and now having him gone, potentially for 12 agonizing months. I know that things grow easier with time and even have great examples of LD relationships around me, but clearly that doesn't entice one to DO it. I want him back now, and I want him back until August at the least... I really don't want to think what I'll be like if he's gone for a whole year, and wtf that means for our relationship.

Visiting is close to out of the question, he might come once, but the next 2 months are ideal for both of us since school's out and he could work as well.

NB: Summer courses and new loves don't work too great. I've fallen so out of sync with my work and my fucking EXAM is this week! I have to read two books for it and I have to find those books *tomorrow* since I didn't already do so. I also need to write a murderously good essay to improve my mark or buffer it against exam death. And I basically need to stop thinking of my far-away love and his souvenirs left in my apartment and wondering if he's ok and what's going on with his potential return, and everything him-related.

I feel like I'm typing this differently, tonally or in some other way... yay or nay? Falling in love has rocked, but another catch of his being gone is that the person I've hung out with 24/7 for the month makes me feel awfully, awfully lonely - probably more so than before. I'm alone in the apt. and don't have many friends in the city right now. Oh, and I need sleep, want a friend to call me as promised (now hours late, joy), and have to register/PICK about a dozen courses that I should've well done 3 months ago. Fuck fuck fuck.

I actually burnt myself out with the tears this past week once I assumed he might be gone for 365 instead of 7, and I comforted myself with the fact that if the LD works, we'll be amazing when back together, and if it doesn't work, or even if so, I've found love and know it's there (and that I'm not a leper or something else metaphor-happy), and I'll probably find it again and/or meet many other guys besides this one. Except atm I'm fucking crazed over him being gone, and I really want advice on how to manage the long distance thing.

I pretty much want to make another entry all about my questions/disturbed thoughts on going LD - how the fucking hell am I supposed to do anything or be anything with him when I can't make real MEMORIES with him? Where go our insides jokes, where's my shoulder to cry on... is skype really going to suffice? I love him so much but I have to fear a coffee date arising or wanting sex badly or his finding someone else, and so much more. I know to roll with life and our relationship itself is an example of its randomocity and luck and fate... but god almighty TWELVE MONTHS?? And what if he doesn't move here at the end as planned? I don't know what this all means, and ugh there's so many other catches, but anyway someone just rang the intercom to be let in and I let them in but I was and am half worried that they'd be thieves/murderers rather than admitted apartment dwellers who forgot their front door keys. Mmm hmm.

Anyway, advise or sympathize or both or neither, ugh my life and my hunt for love fulfilled but horribly ripped away = my love.