to the source of my drama for the semester

the mouse that roared's picture

I think I shouldn't miss you, given how you treated me, given how you tried so hard not to miss me, that you can't even admit you were attached--and maybe have extricated yourself as quickly... It's not worth it to miss you. When will you change? Do I even respect myself?

But all the same I want to tell you that I couldn't stop staring at your knees when you were wearing shorts on the bus home. I miss your knees! And I think I may have decided I loved you when I was drunk. And there were countless times I was too angry at you to tell, and there is a pile of letters to you still growing I will never send. I can't debate with anyone the same way I can with you. Despite it all, with you I feel more secure. And although I botched my drawing of you because I felt too awkward to look, I will constantly have this image of you burnt into my brain, you are the one that inspired the whole project: a side view, you smiling, a corner of your mouth up in that way, eyes crinkled in stubborn laughter, that way that says this is just the way things are, that you soak in life just this way through a gin-tinged haze and enjoy it just so much that you'd never turn around and look at me, and when you kissed me it'd be just another way you'd slip through my fingers.

That smile is so unreachable.

Comments

msquared's picture

Hang in there!

Aw, what's the story here? I feel I've had similar experiences. You'll never quite get over that most perfect of fish that got away - memories will inevitably rise back to the surface, at least every once in a while - but you will get to a point where she's not the most important thing in your life anymore and you're free to be happy and look at other girls. =]

And I saw in your last entry you were talking about a drunk Buddhist nun...is this the same person? I find it very, very shocking that this person could be even Buddhist, yet alone a nun, and drink. Taking any intoxicating substance is against the Five Precepts of Buddhism, which is basically Buddhism's version of the Ten Commandments. The rules are even stricter for monastics than they are for laypeople, too.

"But don't be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it."
-Stephen Colbert

the mouse that roared's picture

Yeah, well she's not so much

Yeah, well she's not so much of a nun, but she's been living in a Buddhist nunnery for the past three or so years and is back there now. I think, given her sexual liberties, I would put her in the not-nun category at this point. She likes to say that getting drunk is against the five precepts, but drinking isn't. And if she gets drunk, which is frequent, then, you know, oh well. It was just a precept. Weird that she ever thought about ordaining.

The story is that we hung out all the time and she was really clingy until she brought up our attraction to each other, and once that was in the air/we hooked up once she became really distant and ran away. Also there was very little time. Also she was interested in sleeping with this girl, who incidentally has the same name as her, and couldn't hold off on it for a couple weeks when we weren't going to be on the same continent anyway. Also I'm a virgin and she's six years older than me and much more experienced, and it would have been pretty hard to navigate. Also said girl who she wants to/has slept with is going to be at the nunnery with her this summer. And she's been all "what-if-we-had-dated" recently. Oy.

I think I'm getting over it? She never could have given me what I wanted anyway.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin