Can you long for someone you've never met? I miss you and I don't want to say it because then I think it feels real, these feelings I have for you. And I don't want them to be real because you live too far away and things just couldn't work. I was reading about long distance relationships, and it was said that they don't work out unless there is some forseable end to the relationship being no longer long distance. And I think that has at least a little bit of truth to it. It can't always live in the future. Not for me anyway. I want the wife/husband. And I'm not sure about the kids yet, but I do want the dog, and the home. The stability that a long distance relationship can't give me.
I know that I'm young, but I think it's because everyone expects me to be so fucking grown up all the fucking time. If I were to act like my cousins at the family get together tomorrow I think they'd all shit their pants. And my cousin that I'm referring to is older than me, it's her grad party. She's just so fucking immature that if I acted like her it would shock my step-mom's family, I'm sure. And sometimes that is a lot of pressure because I just want to tell them all to FOAD. But I don't.
I want the grown-up things because my mom made me grow up before I was ready. And you can't undo those kind of things. I can't reprogram myself to not take care of everyone, I'm the mom of my friends. And you know what? I fucking hate it. But I don't know anything else. God. I mean I'm the fun one. I'm the fun mom. Whatever the fuck that means. But I'm seventeen, and will be eighteen at the end of the summer.
What the fuck is wrong with me? And why didn't I freak out when I was talking to you? We were on the phone five minutes ago. And now I feel like calling my best friend and crying. But she's not home. I can't contact her for a week. And I miss her mostly because I know I can't call her, or talk to her for an entire week. *sigh* I'm a fucking mess.