I'm thinking about this weird dream I had last night that in retrospect is making me sort of sad. I won't go too into it, but there were two major events in the dream. Firstly, the girl who I like (who is straight so far as I know) said (not in so many words) that she was bi. The other big thing was, I cut off all my hair (something I've been wanting to do for ages in real life) and I totally freaked about it--like, had a tantrum at my mom, who did the cutting, for not doing it right. Part of the reason I don't want to cut my hair is, it's really long now and I know when I cut it I'll miss the long hair.
So I'm thinking about that dream and thinking maybe I don't want to go to bed quite yet cuz I don't really want another dream like that tonight. Like, it was so realistic I woke up thinking I had short hair, and all day I kept on feeling like there was something different about me. I've had dreams like that before, that change me permanently, if only a little bit. They always sort of scare me: is my mind really so unstable that a wisp of overblown imagination can mess with it?
Oh and actually there's a third thing too, from the dream. I realized, later in the day, that the location of the dream was a variation on the house I lived in in California. It made me get all nostalgic. I don't like feeling nostalgic, it's an utter waste of time. But I wrote this whole comment on the yearbook entry forum about it (http://www.oasisjournals.com/2009/06/if-you-could-write-anything-in-that...). Which is weird because I never really talk or think or even write about missing CA anymore.
I don't really miss it, it's more that I miss my childhood. I miss when everything was simple. Like, I'm a Jr. Counselor at this summer day camp, and the kids are always having drama over "he made a face at me" and "she tripped me when she tried to tag me" and "he spilled his water all over my pokemon cards". It's so simple and meaningless and easy to fix. Sometimes I really wish I could go back to being six, when my biggest worry was whether I would like what my mom was making for dinner that night. (Which was a major worry back then, I was picky as all get-out.)
And then my brother. It's strange, but I'm finally starting to really rise above our petty sibling rivalry. I thought I'd done it a year ago when I decided that our relationship wasn't going to get any better unless I started trying to be nice to him. But now I realize that it doesn't matter. I just don't have to care. I understand the subtleties of why my parents favor one of us one day and the other the next day. I know how to behave to "win" an argument with my brother. And for me, that's kinda crazy. It's like I've taken one step back from the situation and I'm looking at it more impersonally.
Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I've always had a tendency to overanalyze everything, but right now it's beginning to feel like that overanalysis can be successful. Maybe there *are* governing rules to how people behave and respond. Maybe there is a scientific way of looking at emotions. Maybe I'm just taking this too far.
God it feels so strange. I've had periods of time before where I feel detached, but this is different. Before, it was like I was a ghost, following my real self around. But now, it feels like I'm an angel, watching what I do and understanding it all. ...Even though I don't really understand it after all. *shakes head, then bangs gently against keyboard* I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say. I guess I'll stop writing now, I'm out of words for the moment.