Accpeting Your Sexuality

Abelle's picture

Just to let you know, this is a pretty big wall of text... I also hope that the fact that I'm new won't get in the way of you giving me advice.


Okay, I've known I was bisexual for a while now, but it's only now that I've started to accept it. All this time I've been fighting against it, telling me that my feelings for other girls would pass. They didn't. And now, every time I think about my sexuality, I feel nothing but guilt. I feel like I'm a sinner and should be punished. I guess I just need someone to forgive me for being the way I am. I know I shouldn't be ashamed of my sexuality, but I am. I just can't seem to get my sexuality out in the open. I want to be proud of who I am, but how can I when I'm constantly hiding it?

I've hinted to my sexuality to a few close friends, but for some reason it's not enough. I feel like I need to come out and say it, but I just can't. I'm afraid that they won't accept me. The only two people in my life who know about my sexuality are my ex-girlfriend and my sister, but unfortunately I can't talk to either one of them about it. Even while we were dating, I couldn't bring myself to tell my girlfriend what I was going through. I was utterly terrified that I had let myself become bisexual. Of course, it's even harder because my parents don't even know. Both my parents find gays to be repulsive, and I wouldn't be able to stand it if they found out and began treating me differently. Not to mention my mom's side of the family are hard-core Christians, and would probably want to send me to a Hetero Camp. @_@ I even lied to my therapist about it, not to mention countless of other people.

I'm not a very religious person, I don't go to church or define myself to a single religion, but I do believe in God. I also believe in heaven and in hell. I know for a fact that in more than one religious text, it says that "a man shall not lay with another as he would with a woman". I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to understanding religious texts, but I'm PRETTY sure that the same goes for woman. What I'm asking is, will God still love me even though I'm bisexual? After all, he's the one who created me to be this way. And doesn't it also say that he loves all his children?

Back to the subject, I've had plenty of feelings for girls in the past, but I never acted on them because I didn't want anyone to know I was bisexual. I was also afraid that I would go through what I did they first time I had a relationship with a girl. For the past few years I've had to put up with being bullied and teased for being who I am. The last thing I need is to be judged and rejected for my sexuality; something that is completely out of my control. Anywho, I apologize for the long post. It seems I've ranted quite a bit. :/ I just really needed to get this off my chest...

But just to sum things up, here's what I need advice for:
-Being open about my sexuality
-Accepting myself
-Coming out to my friends (and possibly my family)
-Knowing that it's okay to be bisexual (in the case of religion)

carmen143's picture

Hope this helps.

I had the exact same problem. I'm catholic so I thought that I told anyone that I'm gay I would be stoned of burned at the stake or something. What I've come to realize is this: God made you who you are. And because He did that, He can never hate you. Now as far as the parents go that's tougher. I first started out with telling close friends and then moving on to the next level. Siblings. Then parents. You might want to break it up into steps. And remember this all doesn't have to happen at once. You can do it at your own pace. I really hope this helps you. You can pm me if you have any questions or just wanna talk. Good luck!

loreonpravus's picture

Aight, here's my take. As

Aight, here's my take. As far as religion goes, my view is somewhat skewed- I was raised Christian, but around the same time I started realizing I was gay, I listened a little closer to what (Christian) people said about gays, and they were all "ew". This was also around the time the same sex marriage legalization issue was going around, so I was also around a whole load of "marriage= one man + one woman" t shirts and such. That all kind of led to my atheist/agnostic-ness.

But I digress. I came out to a friend of mine who was very deeply religious, and she said "God doesn't make shit so it's okay". That's really the only time I've ever had such an open-minded response from someone religious. And I figured from that that it was alright and there was nothing wrong with it- it's just that a whole load of other religious people haven't caught up to that point yet, where they should be.

Accepting yourself is a process. Just like nobody pops out of bed and realizes they're gay, nobody (or at least, very few people) come to accept themselves really quickly. But one thing to remember, always, when you're still going through this crap is that you are not alone. Meeting other gay people (who are comfortable with themselves, mind you) helps, a lot, as far as accepting yourself goes. Because it's okay, really- you just need some convincing, especially if you've been raised with anti-gay ethics.

Coming out is hard. Personally, if I hadn't been outed by a bitch social worker, I'd still be in the closet to my parents. You also figure out who your real friends are. And if your friends know you well, eventually it'll just come out (sorry) or they'll just figure it out. So that's just a whole "whenever you're ready" thing. It kind of ties in with how open you are about yourself, and that correlates to if you've accepted yourself or not. Some people are really flamboyantly gay, and some aren't. So if you want to go one way, you could run around with a huge rainbow flag, but if not, just be yourself. Just like coming out, being open just happens. If that's not who you are, you don't need to go hey, this is my name and I'm a flaming homosexual. Your sexuality is hardly the most important thing about you (even though it's probably pretty big part of your life).

Boy, I really hope that isn't as confusing so as to be crap advice. Anyhow, welcome, too!

ferrets's picture

i have the....

feeling like im a sinner, and being guilty problem. even tho all my friends know, i still have problems with myself. and dont worry about you bieng new, some ppl just come on here to get advice, then once they have it, they leave forever. um dont forget the bible was set in a differnt time, and many of its rules dont apply to modern times (like slavery, burnt offernings, etc.) so keep that in mind

if you riase the banner of scotland, you raise the banner of freedom!
~willam wallace

Abelle's picture

Thanks, guys, you've really

Thanks, guys, you've really helped a lot. :) I appreciate the advice.

"No, I didn't trip. I was just testing gravity. (It still works)"

swimmerguy's picture

just responding to your quote

hehe... gravity is still technically a theory, and if you ever trip but don't fall, the entire theory falls, and gets discredited. I know, I know, I'm a nerdy nitpicker, the worst kind.
"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority." Margaret Chase Smith

Super Duck's picture

(Warning: Long post

(Warning: Long post ahoy!)

Well, I'd say before you come out to others, you need to accept yourself first. :)

I had kind of a hard time accepting myself. I have lived my entire life in a tiny, southern town that is still mindbogglingly racist. (One of the local churches only allows whites. Hell, the town itself has a "black half" and a "white half." In 2009. I hate it here.) So, you can only imagine how most people here feel about gays...

My parents aren't homophobes, but they never bothered to talk about this sort of thing with me, so I learned about "teh gheys" from the ignorant children at school in fourth grade or so. x( Imagine how things went once I hit puberty... eek!

I also thought that god would hate me, but I gave up the whole god and religion thing a couple months later for a variety of reasons.

I did, however, quickly learn that I'm alright. :) I mostly turned to the internet for help, actually. I talked to people on a handful of different websites, and they helped me see. I think that's the best thing you can do, really. And by joining here, you're doing that! :D

I've been comfortable with myself for about three years now, which is pretty good considering how young I am. All of the above took only a few months to happen. I still don't like telling people, though, because of the fact of where I live and the kind of people that generally populate this area. I would totally be out if I didn't have to fear for my safety. D: Only a handful of people know. My mother was the person who gave me the most hell over it. She kept trying to make me look at guys and told me until the beginning of last school year that I'm "not a lesbian, just confused" and that I should "keep my options open." Let's not forget how my mom was the time when I was twelve, and the girl I liked gave me her male friend's number... -_- Ironically, my mother is now very for me being a lesbian, but I'm not sure if she's genuinely changed or it's just her current hatred of men speaking.

I'm in this awkward half-way out of the closet sort of thing. I don't tell people because of what shits they can be, but some people do know, plus there's this ongoing rumor a "friend" started, and I sure as hell don't do anything to hide it... Like last year, I'd flirt with my crush in science class, but abruptly change the subject when a guy asked me about it in study hall. :|

I have a very hard time coming out to friends, to be honest. But that's partly because I have trust issues in the first place. So, I can't really help you there. :( Sorry. I find the subject really hard to bring up... I told one of my friends over IM, actually, so you may want to keep that in mind. It was easier than for me to do it in person. It was still hard, though... and we don't really talk about it, so I'm not sure if she even remembers. She was nice about it, though. c:

I hope you could gather some useful info in that massive wall of text I just wrote. XD

Abelle's picture

I did. :3 Thank you for

I did. :3 Thank you for posting it.
I'm very slowly growing comfortable with who I am... It's hard, but I know it will be worth it in the end.

PS- Racists suck. D:

"No, I didn't trip. I was just testing gravity. (It still works)"

fox333's picture

Hmmmm. Well heres a good

Hmmmm. Well heres a good story that hopefully won't inspire you to do something stupid (and by good I mean idiotic) I had a conciler who I talked to about being gay (I now think I might be bi/trans but Im not sure yet) any whoooooo I came out to my parents over the phone. Yes I was kinda afraid of my dad's reaction but it turns out he was ok with it. What was litteraly said was *sob*sob*sob*sob*
mom: why are you crying?
Me: Mom, I think I might be gay *sob*sob*sob*sob*
Mom: ok, but why are you crying?
seriously that was what happend. except afterwards I kept crying. Just didn't think you would want to see any more *sob*sob*sob* Who knows your parents might end up being very accepting. Also I veiw my life kind of like the show jackass. please do not try to emulate anything I have done or anything I suggest because it probly just isn't a good idea.

tenmilestilts's picture

just to clarify on one point...

God didn't write the Bible. He didn't write any of the religious texts out there today. Those were all written down (and translated) by many different people with many different opinions. Quoting the Bible means very little in the way of God.

That said, "After all, he's the one who created me to be this way. And doesn't it also say that he loves all his children?" you asked. And you're exactly right. ...And I'm probably going to put this as advice in my next couple of giving-advice posts, but I would suggest reading The Full Spectrum, many of the stories address what you're going through right now.

*hug* We're all here for you!
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

the ghost's picture

My 2 cents

Hey there and welcome to Oasis. You say your having trouble dealing with
-Being open about your sexuality
-Accepting yourself
-Coming out to friends (and possibly family)
-Knowing that it's okay to be bisexual (in the case of religion)

I think before you can really come-out to people and just be open about your sexuality you need to accept it yourself. To accept it and be ok about it I think you also need to understand that yes it is ok to be bisexual. I myself am not overtly religious so it's not something that really troubles me. But I do remember when I did ponder if God would be ok with me being gay. For a start the bible says that shell-fish are an abomination, the exact same term used for homosexuals, and nobody has a problem with shellfish nowadays, so I don't think what God will think about you based on this is worth thinking about.

Being bisexual doesn't make you less of a person than anyone else. I think something that could help you get more comfortable with yourself could be to get to know some other gay people. Find a youth group near you and go to that. It is amazing the difference it makes to be around people who are actually comfortable with their sexuality and happy with themselves. It was a huge help and confidence boost for me anyways.

I think after that coming-out is a gradual process. It is a good idea to pick someone who you think will be supportive of you. It is a good confidence boost for telling more people after that. Then it does become easier. There is no rush or time limit on doing this. Only go for things when you know you are ready, and you will just know yourself when you are ready.
Anyways I hope this makes sense to you, and if I can help you with anything else give me a shout!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent-Eleanor Roosevelt

Abelle's picture

@Fox:: That story really

@Fox:: That story really helped a lot. Unfortunately, my parents are nothing like that. I know my mom would accept my sexuality over time, but my dad would probably turn purple. But who knows, maybe you're right. I know I'll tell them eventually. Maybe the next time I get a girlfriend I'll bring her to my house and introduce her. :V I am their daughter... so maybe they'll accept me anyways.

@Bookworm:: That's very true. I knew that the Bible had been re-written several times, but I guess I always believed that it was completely true. Then again, I should have guessed it wasn't when I read an exerpt about cannibalism. Not to mention slavery, rape, and having several wives. I now realize that these are completely different times, and that the Bible is very out-dated. I'll definately have to read that book you suggested. c: I'll have to see if there's an online version, though, because I have problems with going to the library. My dad usually swings by for me and picks up the books I rent, and often looks through them. Heh.

@Ghost:: Yeah, I know. I try bringing it up with my sister a lot, and it's getting easier to talk about. As for joining a gay community, last year I went to the Gay Straight Allience with my friend. I only went a few times, though, because I was too nervous to go without her. Surprisingly, I don't have many gay friends besides my ex. I have another friend who's bisexual, but we don't always have the option of hanging out. I guess this year I'll have to widen my horizon. c:

"No, I didn't trip. I was just testing gravity. (It still works)"

fox333's picture

Now don't get yourself into

Now don't get yourself into trouble (pleased that I helped) just remember, careful is good!

lamb_da's picture

I have...

a friend whom i told and SHE thinks it's a phase.
she's reading this as i type and pulling my hair into a broccoli
stub thing...then she poked my eye...><
"by accident!"
that woman...
now she's seems to be "washing" my hair without the water and shampoo point is that even a best friend wouldn't be able to accept who you are but what you should, in my opinion, is think about it...
*ahem* so ANYWAYS
i've found that i had crushes on two boys and so far five girls...
honestly i've been thinking about this every chance i get and so far i'm still confused...i feel proud but scared of what people would think
they stare and give you looks or whisper to their friends and they think we're not there or that we don't have feelings...
even if it just something as simple as holding hands...
i'm a noob here too...just joined today! ><
uh....i don't really know what else to say so i'm just going to wrap it up...
good luck on figuring things out!

swimmerguy's picture

That bible rule...

I just wanted to talk about that thing in the bible that says "A man shall not lie in bed with a man as he would with a woman". The people who talk about that are just bashing. It says on the next page that disobedient children should be stoned to death. They're a little nitpicky about the rules they choose to accept.

fleetfootedfox's picture

... ;P

I used to think that stoning someone to death involved drugs, then I found out that it literally meant stoning people to death. Ouch.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss

swimmerguy's picture

Oh, and also...

Oh, and also, check out the forum topic "I think you gays will laugh at this" it brings up some incredibly good points.

jeff's picture


The Bible has loopholes. The passage you cite is a good one. Personally, I would never lie down with a woman, so never lying down with a man like I would a woman, to me, is easy. The woman part would never happen. So, the whole thing breaks down right there. (Sorry, bisexuals, this loophole doesn't work for you)

Here's some good idea about how people use religion:

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

the mouse that roared's picture

Hey girl, Maybe five or six

Hey girl,

Maybe five or six years ago I was in a very similar stage of you, although in a more accepting town than Super Duck (props! It must be so fucking hard there. Just wait till you can get out, and keep safe!). And although I was pretty fucking miserable all through high school, for many reasons but also because I am queer, and there were only three lesbians/bisexual girls at my school who were out... anyway, although i was miserable, I found that I slowly started to accept myself--with the help of this website, through slowly coming out as I felt ready, and through starting to go to GSA meetings, and to a queer youth group in the city nearby. My first year at Smith College really helped me, though--there finally there were other kids all going through the gay adolescence, finally finding people to identify with, all talking about growing up queer (and hooking up and being kids in general, of course).

Keep posting here, my dear--you'll make friends, don't worry. Message people you like, write in your journal or forum topics. This place is very friendly and forgiving, and many people are going through what you are right now. Remember that you don't have to give up your religion because you are bisexual. Please don't if you are still attached to it. You have every right to it as anyone else. And know that these things take time, but eventually you will be as full and strong in yourself as you can be.

Luck and hugs!

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin