Well, I'm new here. I've been melting down for about two weeks, every night, and having nightmares when I'm finally asleep. Well, more than two weeks. The reason for that is that I'm going to leave the country in like 4 days, and I have a girlfriend here..
I'm going back to Finland, and it's really exciting having been away for almost a year, but still.. She's the only one that seems to matter nowadays. I'd be happy if I could just take her with me. Or stay here. But not be in America, cuz this sucks. But it's not going to happen. Well, it is, in three years.
I hate my life right now, it seems to have less and less good things in it, or at least they seem somehow lamer, and pointless.
I haven't written anything in almost a year. I feel really bad about that cuz I can write, and I have all these ideas and it would be awesome, but I can never quite make myself do it, start the new, white Microsoft Word page with something.. Anything, actually. It just doesn't happen. I know I'm wasting talent, and time. I just don't have the energy.
I was listening to All my loving by the Beatles just now.. and that song was not made by a really heartbroken person, leaving their lover behind. When you do that, you can't sing happily about it. You cry, kick and scream, you punch your pillow and hope that it would all just be over already, but you don't fucking sing about it.
I hate that song.
I hate myself, too, nowadays. I have changed, for the worse in some aspects, I think. I'm pretty sure I'm going to go insane. I'm really on the edge right now, I cry a lot, and do stupid things.. I just don't care anymore. Since Meghan is not going to be involved in my life for the next 3 years for more than maybe 2 months all put together, I don't see the point to do anything.
Plus, school is going to be wayyy hard. And I cannot handle stress, at all. Like... I melt down. Completely. And it's sad. Cuz I also enjoy procrastinating, (or how ever you spell that...-_-'' I suck and I'm tireed) and you know how when you have to finish two projects in one night stress tends to go up, and you don't have time to melt down and do nothing, but that's exactly what I do. Surprisingly I have never been held back though. Well, first time is a time, too.
I think I'm done for now, I just felt like bleeding my brain on a page and maybe have someone read it. (Well, I know my girlfriend will :3)
I love her wayyy too much for my own good.. cuz she's an Amer-I-can aand it's just wayy too far away and hard and oh noes 8'( I'm really fucking terrified of this whole situation.