i'm so lost....

Siovampire's picture

You ever feel like your life was totally out of your control but you're still holding onto that one itsy-bitsy wire...hoping beyond hope that you can pull it back on course? Yea. Welcome to me. I think I started on this wonderfully slippery face of losing sanity about 2 years ago. First thing I remember is the notice that we (my mother and I) were in foreclosure. Yea, you heard me, those bastards at the bank are going to take our house.
It was like getting punched in the face and then, while holding my bleeding nose, they punched me in the gut, and when I bent over, they socked me again in the face. And then things just went downhill from there. There's a place that used to be my escape, a camp, and I'd go to a festival there twice a year and then camp in the summer. It was my escape from the bullies at school, the loneliness at home when mom was working trying to support us, the stress of school and just trying to keep my grades up. I could relax and run through the woods and scream at the top of my lungs and curse and cry and then fall asleep next to a stream without fear of being disturbed. It was heaven. I even had friends there!
And then the festival lost its money. Goodbye twice a year escape. And then I grew up. Goodbye camp. So now...not only was I losing my house but I was losing my home and my heaven.
So now, we've gotten a few notices about shutting off our water and our power. And basically we have 3 months...well 2 months now...until they kick us out. Mom said her last resort is to take me out of my high school...if I have to leave that school...I'll die. I finally have real friends whenever I walk in there. I don't have to be scared of those boys coming down the hallway and pushing me into a locker, tripping me, calling me names or whispering in my ear that I'm better off dead. I have friends and wonderful teachers and I'm a good student and athlete. But that doesn't matter does it? Nope. I still might be homeless in a few months. I get A+s in school, you mother fuckers! My mother supported me when my fucking father ran away from us. The woman doesn't deserve for her house, her hard earned home, to be ripped away because we can't pay the fucking bill.
We are trying to see if I could possibly stay with friends so that I don't have to leave my school. I'd sleep in a garage if I had to. The only other option is moving into the house that mom owns as a landlord. But then I'd have to go to that high school. And I'd rather die than go there. It's an alright school. Just alright. And they have no marching band. No fencing team. I will kill myself before I spend one fucking day in that school. I WORKED TOO FUCKING HARD. I ENDURED TOO MANY SNEERS AND BASHES BY THOSE FUCKING KIDS IN MY MIDDLE SCHOOL. I'VE BEEN FUCKED OVER AGAIN AND AGAIN. GOD KILL ME NOW IF HE WANTS TO....I'LL FUCKING WELCOME IT.

Fuck it all. What is life other than one asshole after another trying to take what you earned?


rainforestchild's picture


I'm sorry that sounds really horrible for you :( *hug* I'm glad you have a more supportive school now though, and I hope that you can find a way to stay there. Your mom sounds like a really nice, hardworking lady, maybe something will work out for you and her. I really hope it does. Whatever happens hang in there.

Siovampire's picture

*hugs back* thanks...i just

*hugs back* thanks...i just really needed to vent and I'm glad that you guys are alright with my complaining XD And yea...my mom is amazing...she put herself through college and has been our soul supporter my whole life. She's so wonderful

duct tape godess's picture


if it helps at all i have been through some simaler shit.
when i was a lil kid my mom and dad split and i had to live with my dad caz my mom was in rehab
and in that time he lost his apt soo we lived on the street until my mom was out. it was only a few weeks but it was horrible.
if you ever want you can message me and we can talk about this kind of thing.
it helps when you can talk to ppl its happened to.
i hope things get better soon and just know life wont always hurt like this.

DefyingGravity's picture

awh sweetheart

*hugs* i love you. it'll all work out, just like you've told me a thousand times, over different issues. i promise you, it'll work out.