The last few times I've gotten together with my big group of friends have been extremely frustrating. The last two times, we've played Truth or Dare. Fun game, right? And it is, we have a blast. But I always end up disappointed.
Every time I go, I do Truth, not because I don't like doing dares but because there are two truths that I want to share but don't want to bring up myself. When one of the two girls that I've come out to in this group goes, I try to tell them with my eyes, Ask me! But of course they never do. And when the opportunity presents itself, I chicken out.
Eg: One of my truths was which of the guy teachers would I ask out, how, and what would we do. I said, "But all the guy teachers are gross!" (which is totally true). One of the girls goes, "OK, choose one of the girl teachers then." Instead of taking the perfect opportunity (the band teacher is really hot and I actually thought she was a lez for about a week cuz I saw her in a restaurant with the choir teacher, but she's got photos of her and her boyfriend in her office...), I said, "OK, whatever, I'll choose Mr. Meyers" (cuz they had all said he was the hottest teacher) even though it's true that all the guy teachers at my school are pretty much pervs.
I always end up leaving disappointed and angry with them and myself. Why can't they ask me questions that are actually meaningful? Why can't I just tell them unprompted? Maybe I'll ask one of the girls who knows I'm "bi" to ask me something that would require me to reveal that I'm queer next time we play. But I probably won't. I know I'm chicken.
It's just, being on here and the books I've been reading, I've become so comfortable with my sexuality that I have to actually watch what I say now, lest I reveal myself. I've had a few close calls. And now that I'm comfortable with who I am, I want the world to be too. And the first step to that is coming out! Sometimes I disgust myself... Another reason I don't really want to come out to my straight friends is that I still don't know what I am for sure, and I'm not sure I could explain to them. But that's just an excuse, damnit! *hits self on head*
I could do with a reality check here. Or a gossipy friend who outs me to the school. My school is pretty OK with LGBTQ so it wouldn't be so bad, and it wouldn't require me getting up the courage to reveal myself. I'm perfectly fine defending myself, verbally at least. It's the attack I have trouble with. I've always been somewhat passive-agressive.
...And here's the part where I run out of things to say!