I've been living in my head a lot lately, I guess that's why I can't make simple conversation. Sorry everyone. I feel bad about it, but I just don't know what I need to do to get myself to snap out of it. I feel awkward as hell talking about everything. And when I do talk it pretty much just blurts out of my mouth.
And that being out of it doesn't help the fact that I almost got asked out the other day. o_0 By this guy I've had an uber crush on forever. We were supposed to go out yesterday, and that was until his ex gf (they VERY recently broke up) called him wanting him back. They've broken up... I want to say seven times in five months or something ridiculous like that. They've dated slightly longer than that because I remember when they started going out, but for all their break ups I would be out of there (but I guess I'm more logical...). She's one of those high matienance types that he never goes for and made an exception for. Starting dating her like two weeks before I had the balls to say anything to him. I still hate myself for that because he even said if I had said something before he started dating her, he would have gone out with me in a heart beat. Kills me. He's super attractive, and super nice. He actually cares about me for.. me and not my chest which is what everyone looks at when they talk to me, but not him, he looks at my face. God I feel so stupid. I talk to him about my family and all that shit that I feel no understands, and even though he jokes a lot I know he sympathizes. Probably because his dad died when he was fourteen and he knows what it's like when your family isn't a cohesive group.
I just feel so stupid. I knew that it wouldn't be anything super serious, I didn't want it to be. But I've liked him for so long and to know that he's had feelings for me too. God that felt good and then he's saying he has to get closure on his relationship with his ex (I totally understand that probably better than most because of my situation with B) but it still hurts. I talked to my best friend about it, but not really. Actually the only person that I think would understand... is him. He gets me which now at this moment I hate because if he's thinking about me he probably knows that he hurt me and I don't like to think that a guy can make me feel this way. I don't want him to be out of my life because he's dating her again (which they aren't back together... yet). She's very jealous and maybe with me that's a good thing even if I wouldn't anniciate it, and I would stop it. It is hard to be around someone you have feels for, a connection with and they feel the same way. Probably why he didn't want to see me after she called. It's still hard.
My best friend is going camping with mutual friends of ours (I wasn't invited, but whatever) so I can't talk to her about it. And she's also sick. My other friend A is kind of judgy about things like this. The only person I can talk to about this that isn't him... is my ex gf. We're still friends and she's the one that told him I had a thing for him (even though I was dating her at the time). I just want things to feel better. I'd actually like to date him and have a somewhat healthy relationship. I just can't seem to get there. I'm not going to message him because I don't want to seem clingy or... needy or bitchy. That's like the last thing I need. I'm just supposed to be his hot friend he can't have at this point I guess. Sorry this is so long, I'm just can't talk about to anyone, and can't get it out of my head.