So when I should be studying for something worth 20% of my mark in 3 hours...

Disney's picture

I'm writing this, because I've been meaning to journal for a while now and most especially because it's been weeks my loverboy and I have been long distancing, and things are holding steady.

But - yessss, always a 'but' in there. But, and we're talking about this tonight (Skype rules my life now), I feel like I keep freaking out over nothing, i.e. wondering if a joke I made or a non-100% happy, lovey-dovey parting means that he's not happy, or that he's mad, or worse - sad! At the moment I make a joke or anything, it's off the cuff and we laugh and whatever, but I only have his expressions to go on, and he'd tell me if something really hurt him (probably by responding with a weak comeback haha), but I really do flip over in my head and stress quite badly over if I've made him unhappy in any way because I love him so much.

I'm also kind of getting a tiny, horribly bit resentful of the fact that he is doing nothing for a month or more and I've got hellish exams, papers and books to read/work through, not to mention trying to find a real job for the first time in my life (the others were all faux enough) with the intent of the money going to visiting him. He's tried getting a job where he's at, but no dice, and I understand relaxation and told him he might as well if there's nothing else about, but I spend ages and ages talking with him (which I love, but as with this paragraph - am getting a TINY bit tired of with things I might otherwise be doing), and at least an hour writing an e-mail each day or every other day, and hourS writing a letter, and then actually bits and pieces and chunks of time writing him stuff for future gifts/letters!

I'm cooking for the first time ever really, and that has my time skewed (vs. just having food appear within 10 mins of my wanting it, basically) too, but with the studying I SHOULD be doing and the stuff I so want to do with him, and if I do manage to get a job... well it's kind of fucked, especially because since he has nothing to DO, I want to be there for him instead of him being bored/watching reruns of things, but I want to have time to do things for him for the future, rather than have to cram everything into the godforsaken school year ahead.

And the worst thing is I more often than not seem to be the one bringing UP problems I have, and again that makes me think warpedly that he loves me beyond all that and that I'm not in love enough or something! I hate bringing this stuff up with him although we both love our honesty and communication, but I don't want him to think I'm super demanding, I just want to clear up everything now that we've got about half a year to go long distance, rather than figure it out as we go along and maybe have it be worse.

I love him with every bit that I am, my head is just telling me to have him lay off though, otherwise my marks are going to drop (they already went down for the course I took LAST month, I did fine but I was expecting a grade higher and know I'd have had it if I wasn't spending time with him, not to blame him, but it's just ahhhhhh!).

Oh well, back to trying to study...