today i reminisced how i loved you, remembering my urgency in wanting to feel you close, and now we are friends, the memories float through, making us smile and laugh. i don't need to hold you anymore. there once was a time, could have been years or months, that you were all i needed. that you were my anchor, that you kept me sane.
through this i asked of you so much, and so little. i asked for your heart, as i tried to offer mine. the misunderstandings slipped between us, shattering us as it did so. but i never forgot. and there was nothing ever, ever, to forgive.
under the door i could see the faint light. it promised a new day for me, and something to explore and create. i picked up the pieces of the broken window and tried to rearrange them, to create something beautiful you could understand. that i could understand. i shake my head at the thought that a child such as i was could ever express the wonderings of my heart to someone while i still had no idea what they were.
i loved you. that i do know. there was that moment, where the air lingered between us, and i wanted to taste you and feel you and pull you to me and never let you go... but that moment passed, and with it, an eternity. and then, it seems, i woke up to the reality that love is never conventional. things don't happen like they say they do... they happen like they say they don't. and i promise you that.
i would look for you in the lunch line. your presence always comforted me and gave me the strength i needed. my face would redden when we would occasionally make eye contact, and i'd trip as i reached for a plastic tray.
roses. they were never my thing, but i always loved them. you never knew that my favorite color was yellow. i was too young to know. at that time it was something like blue or green, of course. i would rough and tumble on the playground. you'd see me. we'd pass little notes, silent promises of a never-ending friendship. who was i to know i'd loved already?
it was hell for a couple years. you knew little- only what i'd ever let myself tell you. i was so scared of chasing you off. i could never do that. you brought me out, and you, you helpled me realize who i am. although i still cannot tell you, not yet anyway.
there was a time where the memories of my past desires were incinerated. i tried to efface them, to get rid of every little detail of everything, so i could reopen my heart and try to go back to who i was before, but that's the thing about love... it changes a person. and love... it happens, and when it happens, there's nothing you can do about it. there are no words to describe what exactly it is, but it's there and you know it's there.
except me. of course i didn't. i never knew i was in love until too late. until i'd broken every promise and pact with myself and was falling and falling without even jumping off the cliff. it was as if there was this little me inside that just threw myself off blindly, hoping somewhere i could find a safe landing.
i wanted to fly. when i was with you, i swore i could. all you had to do was say the words and we'd be off to never land- a modern day peter pan and wendy remix. we'd go hand in hand.
and the feeling of your hands, just the thought is enough to send me rippling to the ground, melted. your hands. the warmth, security, the way we fit together, how everything simply matched. it was perfect. the memory lingers as a wisp of smoke, i can't see it anymore, but i know it's there. it will always be there.
we loved. well, i didi anyway. i loved you and now wer'e friends and that is perfect. because i never wanted to lose you. losing you, even momentarily... devastating. but friends can be forever, the cliche promise no one can ever keep, but we seem to hold onto even when there seems no hope left, because we want it so.