This love thing is torment

Disney's picture

So I woke up about an hour ago and thought of my distant love and went back to dreamland for 30, then thought and thought and thought about how much I miss him, and got up and did a couple things including this now and Facebook galore, haha.

I can't believe how much I miss him, how much I hate not waking up with him, how little I want to DO anything, because he's not here to do it with me, and at this point he might be away from me for 10 more fucking months.

I'm in an amazing city for the summer, basically in a 2-person apartment by myself (which is also lonely-making ugh), and have so much to do... including studying for lots of impending hard marks, yay.

I just don't know what to do, and I literally keep thinking that: 'what do I do? what do I do?' and horribly depressing stuff like 'where are you? what are you doing?!' I just want so badly to know where he is, if he's ok, what he's wearing, what he's doing - everything he's going through.

I think once we start Skyping and/or know for certain if he's coming for the rst of the summer, it'll ease up, but even then I kind of hate the possibility of this long distance relationship and how sad I feel and woo, I might save money not wanting to do fun things without him, but fuck my world since I'm here for school and I want even less to do that, and normally talking about boys is a bountiful subject amongst my friendlies... but I feel it'll get old my relating missing my love or mentioning wtf he said he did the other day on Skype.

I love him too much (or think that, anyway) to want to cut it off right now, but I feel so horrible every few minutes that I sincerely wonder if that's not better for us. How do you even end it? I really just keeping asking myself what am I supposed to DO, but I see all the work I have around me, and work I can do to help get HIM here with me for the next 2 months as well.

I lamented about this on a Missed Connections my city has (basically Craigslist has this thing that's Post Secret-esque where you can post about missing meeting the love of your life, or this eye contact you had on a subway etc. and hope the other person contacts you, or wonder if someone who saw YOU reads it) and someone actually e-mailed me, a 30 year old guy, advising me to save myself great heartache and end it now. It really was meant as advice, and I responded at length about why I didn't feel right doing that and asking for personal insights about finding someone ELSE to fall in love with (which as we allll know isn't *that* easy), but maybe it's affected me more than I realize, because I feel so drained and questioning.

I'm not extremely depressive (at least I don't think) right now, not that I'm one to necessarily KNOW, but it's terrible stabs of sadness and so much of it is my own fault, and I went to this great concert last night but actually couldn't get into it since everything I was thinking was of how great it'd be with him and how to get good photos/vid for him, and of how much he'd like it. Ugh, fuck and I want to tell him all this but I almost think it's worse, since why get him sad too, and what can we do with summer near gone, his chances of coming slim, and a 10 month wait an ocean apart?

I just feel in need of so much advice, and my friends are supportive of our long distancing and so happy/mixed that I fell in love, but I haven't talked to any of them about breaking it off or how to COPE with it. Everything gets easier in time but wtf wtf wtf. I just looked at my bedroom door and imagined him standing it, I just thought of what he'd want to eat with me for breakfast. It's just so fucked, but I feel it'd be worthwhile and one of those things 'to do' in life, but God almighty should I do this? How do I really go back to having fun?

As much as I want to stop thinking of him, I absolutely don't want to either - what if I forget him, what he was like? I really want to cry too, but I hold it back and keep wondering things, and ugh I have so much work to catch up on and it's not really a big deal, but if he was just IN my goddamn city, or if I KNEW he was coming back, I could do it in a flash and my sadness would be gone and literally, everything would feel alright. But it doesn't, and I hate that, and I love him but I'm still somewhat confused.