Transgendered teen needing help from other transgender teens

hbc44's picture

Hello everyone. I am 18 years old and have a major issue. As the title clearly says I am transgendered. I am a boy who wishes he was a girl. Ever since I was little I seen myself this way. I played barbies with my sister and her friends, dressed up with them, and just had fun with them. This issue really became hard to coupe with when I was 11 or 12. I thought it was just a phase and thought I would just grow out of it, but as I can see now that isn't that case. I have always seen myself this way and wanted to be a girl. I remember thinking why am I this way... I was suppose to be a girl. Since I am in highschool times get tough. I get made fun of because I am different, but some kids just don't realize how different I actually am. I have some close friends that I have admited to (told them how I feel) and they understand and they were surprised I hadn't said something sooner because they thought this the whole time. Of course they were girls... I relate so much better with girls I just can't explain it. The only trouble is I don't know how to tell my parents how I feel. I am afraid that they might take it the wrong way and not except me for who I really am. I would really like to talk to other transgender teens and learn how they told there parents.

elph's picture

Please: No Criticism... But Just a Plea to Understand

You are physically male and are attracted to girls (no mention of where boys might fit). This is the fate of the vast majority of mankind! The fact that you feel feminine (effeminate?) seems to be a quandary seeking a solution. If you feel that your behavior impresses others as being feminine, this is not at all uncommon amongst some male heterosexuals. It also just happens to be a widely-held stereotype (but wrongly) of the majority of male gays.

OK... That strongly suggests that at the emotional level you're heterosexual.

Does this mean that your fantasies involve a relationship with a girl?

Now comes the hard part: Do you (a physical male) wish that you could be a Lesbian?

This is a subject that should be addressed with care. If you are offended by anything I have said... absolutely no offense is intended. I just would like to both understand, and then help (if possible).

terrabean's picture

I am not sure if she said she was attracted to girls...

she just said that she relates to them better, there is a very, very large difference. One thing about girls, which tends to be rather different from guys(in my experience) is that there is a very large interest in female social groups, and getting along with other girls, as friends more than a romantic or sexual. One of the big things for a lot of MtF's that I have known is this sense of belonging in, and not in a couple like manner, girls' social circles, and I believe that this is what she is referring to.

One thing about gender issues, is that a lot of us in queer circles(including myself at one point, before I became FtM questioning) fail to understand that there is a lot more to gender than merely what gender you are attracted to. Actually Bookworm4X4 hit the nail on the head in a post earlier today by separating the concepts of gender identity and sexual orientation. For people who are questioning their gender identitiy, sexual orientation tends to take a backseat, as it is only one quality in a person sometimes associated with gender. Therefore, even if hbc44 is sexually attracted to women, that is no reason whatsoever to challenge the validity of her gender identitiy, as there are many more important aspects of gender to consider. That is like assuming you are a girl because you like boys, does that make sense? It is often difficult to those of us who take gender for granted to understand the feeling of questioning something, much more firm in our society even than sexual orientation. It is like taking the sense of not belonging that we get from things like sexual orientation(the social fear of which really is rooted in a fear of gender deviance) and adding many many more aspects of how you behave, to that, as things that people look at, and you look at as things you aren't supposed to do.

I am sorry if this sounded harsh, but sometimes learning has to be doesn't it? One thing I would be careful of, is that although understanding is important, a lot of times it takes a lot of courage to step out and look for answers, and a lot of times, when you first step out, you don't have all of the answers. If I were her, I wouldn't consider it much of a greeting to have the group of people who is supposed to understand her issues, to be asking her more questions about them than the people who are not expected to understand. In the future, what I would do, in all situations with sensitive subjects that you don't understand, is to pose any questions you might have to the group, so as not to put individuals who potentially know just as little as you do on the spot. Just a thought.

Also, If anyone has any questions about trans issues, I would like to think that I am fairly well educated in the trans arena, so please feel free to PM me about trans related questions. I am biologicaly female, but my gender identity is either gender neutral, male, or butch, and I am currently unsure on how far I intend to take my transition. I have also been involved in several advocacy conferences through GSA network involving gender issues, and have done adequate research on many issues regarding gender and transition. Please let me know if anyone has any questions regarding any of this stuff, I'd be glad to answer to the best of my abilities, and forward you to other resources if I am unable to answer your questions.

Again, I an really sorry if I sounded harsh, I am not offended by the questions though. I hope this has helped you to understand these things a little better, and please let me know if you have any further questions.

TerraBean

hbc44's picture

Attraction

As for finding myself attracted to girls that is only as friends. As I said I feel as I can relate better with girls because I can be some what myself around them. I can come out of my shell and be who I want to be. I see myself as a girl and always have. I see myself with a guy and a family and dating guys. I just don't see myself dating guys being the way I am right now because I am not gay as you would say I guess. I am transgender.

shree's picture

online dating

I am an attractive 22 year old woman who has been dating online for the past few months.I feel like online dating would work if I was ok dating unattractive men but because I am attractive I am looking for an attractive guy. Is this making sense to anyone? Does anyone else feel this way?
online dating

fox333's picture

I would test the waters if I

I would test the waters if I were you before I did anything with my parents. Though I didn't really and just started crying and told them that I thought I was gay (now I think I might be trans and bi) and they were ok with it. They were also ok when I told them that I was trans. Though I didn't see any of that coming. So in some ways you never know. Even though I havn't had any experence with coming out to my Dad I have read that Dads sometimes take it hard. I came out to my Mom when we were alone both times and that seemed to work out for me pretty well. Also I was seeing a phychiatrist (sorry, I can't spell) at that time (well, still am but whatever) and he helped explain it to my parents so maybe if you could get someone to go with you or someone that they could talk to that could explain to them that this isn't a choise (sorry still can't spell) then that might help too. Councilers worked out well for me if you don't want or need to see a phycologist (not really aware what the diffrence is between phychiatrist and phycologist sorry) but if I were you I would check and see if they are ok with trans people becasue someone who isn't might not give the best advice. Not to say they arn't good, but someone who does not get or belive you might not be a good choise (at this point I am just going to start ignoring my spelling sorry) for you. I would also say see your school counciler if you want to make the change during highschool. But if you are on your way to college I would recomend that you see how accepting that college is. You don't want to be stuck somewhere where you will at best not be accepted. Sorry about the super long paragraph. Good luck!d *hug*

terrabean's picture

I am just the opposite...

I am a girl who wants to be a guy(I think, I am still questioning at this point) . I really don't think I can give you much help with the coming out as trans, as I am not out either. I have come out as a lesbian, though, as I used to identify as that. There is a lot of info and stories and experience on here about coming out.

As for info on transgender, and transitioning related information, I ought to be able to help you out, and if you just need to talk or whatever, feel free to PM me, I'd love to help!

Good Luck,

TerraBean

fox333's picture

And also remeber that you

And also remeber that you are loved.

fox333's picture

by all your family and

by all your family and friends.

the mouse that roared's picture

<3 You've come to a good place!

Hey there,

I'm not very trans myself, although I'm not a huge fan of the gender binary, and I have questioned whether I'm a guy or not for years. So I haven't come out as trans, and it is a whole new can of worms. As with any kind of coming-out, but even more so for transkids, you should gauge the situation around you. Where are you living right now? Are your friends and family queer-friendly? Do you feel comfortable enough with yourself that you can defend your identity to people that may not be so accepting? Do you have some resources you can fall back on?

It's great you have some friends who are accepting. I know they aren't trans, but use them as resources. If you are near a big city, look for trans resources. If you're headed to college soon, do your research carefully. I hear that Wesleyan and Oberlin are trans-friendly schools, if you're into the liberal arts thing. University of Oregon in Eugene is pretty queer-friendly. But I'm not as sure about trans universities... Smith is great for FTMs, but that won't help you so much, not unless we can get the policy changed.

Keep posting on this site! We've got a couple transkids and, despite the first post on here, a lot of people who do know about trans issues.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin

oldfoxbob's picture

Ok

Though I am not TG I am a gay male and a Registered councilor. You clearly state that you are a male who feels you are a female. That and that you are attracted to males sexually. This makes you a Heterosexual but only after you have that sex change surgery in Trinidad Colorado. Until that time you are physically a male and thus a homosexual. That is nothing bad at all. It is quite normal as a mater of fact. Many TG people are confused on this issue trying to put a label upon them self's. You are merely a Human being. To come out to family and friends is always a difficult thing to do for most people. I know it was for me.
You can dress the part of the woman and date men as a transvestite. But that will be a feeling that is unfulfilled for you. It would only be a step in the process of the sex reassignment therapy. Right now the best thing for you to do is to seek council from a therapist who is trained on this type of feelings that you have. To call it a problem is a gross injustice to you, as its not really a problem at all. Its a matter of learning for you on how to handle people who can not except you for what you are. That and on how to handle your own feelings on who you are.
Have you dated other boys? Do you want to date boys? If you answer no to the first and yes to the second then what is stopping you? Be yourself, enjoy life as it was given to you. Life is preciously short so enjoy it for all it has to offer while you can. Just do it safely!
You can PM me, Jeff or Pat if you wish, any time for any reason also. Peace and love to you.
Oldfoxbob

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.