So I watched a bunch of videos on youtube of Paramore this afternoon. I had their 2 songs from the twilight sdtk, but I never really listened to them much. So I looked them up and listened to some live acoustic recordings and...wow! I'm officially a new Paramore fan. Hayley Williams is just amazing, so beautiful and her voice sounds just as good live as recorded. I now have a girl crush on Hayley Williams, which is just weird for me. I'm crushing on Evan Rachel Wood and Hayley Williams. And I've been thinking a lot lately about crushes I've had on people I actually know. There were a few guys in elementary and middle school. Now I feel like I had boy crushes because 1) I thought they were cute looking 2) I partly thought they were cute looking because all the other girls did and 3) that's what was expected, I mean I never even thought of the possibility of having a girl crush until high school. I mean I don't even know when in middle school I figured out what 'gay' was. I think 6th grade, but maybe 7th.
Now I'm just wondering if I had a few girl crushes on friends and aquaintences all along and never realized it. I always gravitated towards girls, in friends and groups and such, but it was still hard to talk to other girls. Always agonizing over what to say and I was shy to boot. I feel like I may have liked this friend of mine in 4th-5th grade. Any maybe 2 or 3 in middle school. And then this summer there was this woman in my painting class. She was in her 20's, like 24-28. Her nickname was B :-) B was German and she decided she wanted to go to art school to become a painter. She was nice and funny and pretty and creative. She really went for it in her paintings, making these amazing abstracts that I wanted to hang on every patch of my walls. But she was older, beautiful, and married. And by the time I realized that I was starting to crush on her, the class was over. :( But it was weird, because it was the first time I've ever been consciously aware of a girl crush on someone I knew (however briefly). I found myself looking forward to seeing her, being excited when I did. I wondered about what she was doing, what new bizarre painting concoction she would come up with each week... I'm really wishing that class lasted longer.
Crushes are so confusing, especially when already confused. ahhh. Now I feel like I need to meet some new guys and see if I develop any guy crushes. It's becoming increasingly clear to me that I have feelings towards girls. Romantic, emotional, and physical. I wish I was just at least a little less confused. And I wish I knew someone in my life who is dealing with the same things.