disappointed...

stardust's picture

I'm trying very hard to not give in to depressive thoughts. Trying to distract myself, but it's not really working. Even new music, which I love getting isn't working. I just had one of those moments that really hits you, how hard all this is. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed by my parents. I feel so let down, and they don't even know it. In a very short conversation I found out what my parents think about 'gays'.

We were driving back from wal-mart and my dad was finishing up a business call. B, my brother was driving, on his permit, he loves to drive everywhere. Mom was in the passenger seat, Dad behind her, me behind B. My dad's friend or whoever he was talking to tells him how all the guys love him, for how he handled everything et. cetra, but not in a 'gay' way. He tells us this after hanging up, and the conversation goes...

Mom: ooh, you're boyfriend! (she teases)
Dad: No, I don't swing that way. I'm not gay, thank God! I like women....You're not gay are you B?
B: No.
Dad: Thank God!...You're not gay are you A?
Me: No.
Dad: Thank God!
-conversation ends, new topic.

I mean what was I supposed to say? When he implied that it wouldn't be okay? That it would be horrible? My eyes started stinging and I had to will myself not to cry, staring out the window. My dad is complicated, but I held out a small shred of hope, which he crushed completely. I know he was serious, he sometimes asks, or tells really, people things in this certain tone of his, and you're expected to answer what he wants to hear. He doesn't like people telling him he's wrong or disagreeing with him. I just wish he was different. When I got home I went straight to finishing printing out the common application and college supplements. I tried to not think about it, and focus on college stuff. Because college means hundreds to thousands of miles away from them. Away from the suburbs, the state, the whole conservative South. A big part of me doesn't even care where I go, just as long as it's far far away. And I feel horrible that any semblance of happiness for myself is as far away from my family as I can possibly get. I just don't know where I go from here. I have no hope left for my parents. I'm so tired of always waiting for the far off future. My life is happening right now, and it doesn't feel like mine. I want my life now. I want to be happy for real. I just feel so sad. Why are parents like this? Why are mine?

Comments

Siovampire's picture

I can't even imagine being

I can't even imagine being closeted from my parents...it must be so difficult. And I'm not going to lie to you, it will stay as hard as it is right now. But hey, you're almost out! Before you know it you'll be in college and there you can be anyone you wanna be! I wish that I had some magical answers that would make every thing clear and make it all go away and turn into sunshine and lilies...but I don't. Nobody does. You have to find the strength within yourself to get your life back. You have to grab your life by the balls and control it. It's the only one you've got and I KNOW that you'll be fine. But you have to tell yourself that everything will work out. We are all here for you babe <3

stardust's picture

thanks

Thanks Siovampire. I get what you mean by taking control of life, it's just so hard when you have a lot of ridiculous opposition like I do. As soon as I get my liscense, in a week and a half I plan on being out of the house as much as humanly possible. I already spend too much time with my family being homeschooled. I've found places I can go, LGBT places, but I have to drive a ways, and my parents are so OCD about knowing where I am, where I'm going. I'm hoping to be very busy and involved in things away from home this year, so hopefully in between all of that and college applications, I'll find a way to visit the youth center whenever I have time, and my parents will be none the wiser. :/ And I know. I'm almost out, it's just the waiting, the limbo in between that gets me. But thank you again. I don't feel so bad about it today.

Siovampire's picture

I'm glad I could help some

I'm glad I could help some :) and yea, I know what you mean about wanting to get out. I'm almost 17 but I can't afford to pay for the 6 hours of time needed on the road so I don't even have my permit. It's torture..

will's picture

I'm sorry

but I actually thought the conversation was funny in a way with all those "Thank God"s, your parents christian/catholic? Or they just like that phrase. *hugs* I know how you feel, those who you love can hurt you the most as well. Everytime I talked to my mom about being gay, I usually ends up crying in bed by myself. She appears to be understanding, but deep inside, I know she doesn't. But I didn't give up, I keep bring it up, educating her on the issue and telling her how I feel, and thank god she has changed a lot since then. So there is hope and be strong! =)

Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

stardust's picture

not christian/catholic

Thanks for the hugs. My mom is technically baptist. But my dad is a christian scientist, and we were raised going to a christian scientist church, which we still attend. I don't know if you've ever heard of, but it's complicated and I don't feel like explaining it. I don't even fully understand parts of it, and I do not agree with or believe in it, but my dad makes us go to church. I'm kind of on the fence personally, still figuring out my personal beliefs.

That sucks about your mom. I can't even bring up the topic, I'm scared they'll get suspicious. I think he really was just being sarcastic and serious, he doesn't usually use a lot of 'religious speak'. He goes through bouts of 'being religious' and then backs off a little. It's really hard between telling 'them' (church/dad) what they want to hear and then what both my parents want to hear. Often times it feels like I'm not allowed to have any opinions or beliefs of my own, or even feelings. It's so frustrating. Adults act like teenagers are the idiots with problems and attitudes most of the time. But it seems like the opposite a lot. Like the adults are the ones with problems, but they don't listen or refuse to hear teenagers, which implies that what teens have to say is important, but parents just don't hear. It's exhausting.