I'm trying very hard to not give in to depressive thoughts. Trying to distract myself, but it's not really working. Even new music, which I love getting isn't working. I just had one of those moments that really hits you, how hard all this is. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed by my parents. I feel so let down, and they don't even know it. In a very short conversation I found out what my parents think about 'gays'.
We were driving back from wal-mart and my dad was finishing up a business call. B, my brother was driving, on his permit, he loves to drive everywhere. Mom was in the passenger seat, Dad behind her, me behind B. My dad's friend or whoever he was talking to tells him how all the guys love him, for how he handled everything et. cetra, but not in a 'gay' way. He tells us this after hanging up, and the conversation goes...
Mom: ooh, you're boyfriend! (she teases)
Dad: No, I don't swing that way. I'm not gay, thank God! I like women....You're not gay are you B?
Dad: Thank God!...You're not gay are you A?
Dad: Thank God!
-conversation ends, new topic.
I mean what was I supposed to say? When he implied that it wouldn't be okay? That it would be horrible? My eyes started stinging and I had to will myself not to cry, staring out the window. My dad is complicated, but I held out a small shred of hope, which he crushed completely. I know he was serious, he sometimes asks, or tells really, people things in this certain tone of his, and you're expected to answer what he wants to hear. He doesn't like people telling him he's wrong or disagreeing with him. I just wish he was different. When I got home I went straight to finishing printing out the common application and college supplements. I tried to not think about it, and focus on college stuff. Because college means hundreds to thousands of miles away from them. Away from the suburbs, the state, the whole conservative South. A big part of me doesn't even care where I go, just as long as it's far far away. And I feel horrible that any semblance of happiness for myself is as far away from my family as I can possibly get. I just don't know where I go from here. I have no hope left for my parents. I'm so tired of always waiting for the far off future. My life is happening right now, and it doesn't feel like mine. I want my life now. I want to be happy for real. I just feel so sad. Why are parents like this? Why are mine?