i'm afraid of going to sleep again. i'm afraid that i'll lay down, close my eyes, and i'll never wake up. i get so paranoid at night, and it gets worse when i'm not sleeping well, which has become all the time. i hate sleeping, but i hate being awake even more, because when i'm awake, i'm reminded of just how much of a failure i am.
i had something going. i could've been something. i could've been someone. for once in my life, i wouldn't be a disappointment to everyone. but no, like a coward i ran. i ran home, away from responsibilities, away from expectations, away from the pressure of being the best.
i keep fucking up. everything always messes up or breaks or falls apart when i'm around. lives shatter into pieces. relationships are destroyed. cars break down, things get broken. can't even manage to get my GED or get a decent job, because i'm so afraid that once i do that, i can't turn back. once i get my GED, then I have to go to college. once i get a job, then i'll be an adult.
i spend so much time looking at the future, or looking at the past, i don't see what's right in front of my nose. i don't appreciate people, i don't appreciate friendships, i don't appreciate working acquaintances. i use and use and use and use, feeding off of the generous nature of other people until i am sated and they're nothing but a hollow shell and i give nothing in return. i was blessed with some of the best family and some of the best friends a person could ask for, and what do i give in return? nothing. absolutely nothing. i always disappoint the people i want to impress the most. i obsess over my looks because i'm terrified i don't have the personality to actually attract someone.
i'm a failure, and a coward and i always will be.