fcuked.

Icarus's picture

i'm afraid of going to sleep again. i'm afraid that i'll lay down, close my eyes, and i'll never wake up. i get so paranoid at night, and it gets worse when i'm not sleeping well, which has become all the time. i hate sleeping, but i hate being awake even more, because when i'm awake, i'm reminded of just how much of a failure i am.

i had something going. i could've been something. i could've been someone. for once in my life, i wouldn't be a disappointment to everyone. but no, like a coward i ran. i ran home, away from responsibilities, away from expectations, away from the pressure of being the best.

i keep fucking up. everything always messes up or breaks or falls apart when i'm around. lives shatter into pieces. relationships are destroyed. cars break down, things get broken. can't even manage to get my GED or get a decent job, because i'm so afraid that once i do that, i can't turn back. once i get my GED, then I have to go to college. once i get a job, then i'll be an adult.

i spend so much time looking at the future, or looking at the past, i don't see what's right in front of my nose. i don't appreciate people, i don't appreciate friendships, i don't appreciate working acquaintances. i use and use and use and use, feeding off of the generous nature of other people until i am sated and they're nothing but a hollow shell and i give nothing in return. i was blessed with some of the best family and some of the best friends a person could ask for, and what do i give in return? nothing. absolutely nothing. i always disappoint the people i want to impress the most. i obsess over my looks because i'm terrified i don't have the personality to actually attract someone.

i'm a failure, and a coward and i always will be.

Comments

oldfoxbob's picture

your right

Your a failure...a failure at helping people, unlike those you have helped here on Oasis....a failure at giving advise...like you have given here on Oasis that has helped so many people...A failure at preventing someone from living when they want to commit suicide here at Oasis...No my friend you are far from a failure...you are life itself....you shine when you give advise to others here. you shine when you laugh with others in telling humorous stories here at oasis. You are the sunshine in someones day! Sure some days you feel like nothing you do is going right, but then you come here and chatt with someone...and I see so much good in you in your writings that I feel proud that you are on here at Oasis. So No your not a failure, your not a coward and yes you do have the personality to attract someone. Just that some one has not met you yet. Your day will come and you will not even know when it does but then someday you will look back and say, I knew it was when.....My friend your special to us, your parents, your siblings, your friends, and your someday to be found lover. Live life to the fullest, enjoy it, revel in it. Shout from the highest hill that you are you and no one can take that away from you. Be yourself, for you are loved and not a failure.
Oldfoxbob

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.