i lied.

Icarus's picture

is it possible to be nostalgic for a non-existent era? a time or phase which doesn't actually exist, but you feel...no, wish it did? i've been mulling this feeling over in my mind and my heart, and the only way i can adequately describe how i feel is to say, i feel like an interloper within my own species. i know how ludicrous that might sound, and i'm not implying that i'm some sort of extraterrestrial creature or a being from another dimension, that sort of talk is best left to the astrophysicists, but more in the sense that there is a nagging feeling of being born in the wrong generation. what's confusing, however, is the generation i feel that i should've been born into, does not in fact, exist in our history, or at least, one that i've been made aware.

i don't talk as expected. i don't think as expected. i don't read what i'm expected to read. i don't watch what i'm expected to watch. i don't dress as i'm expected to dress. i am an anomaly within my own generation, but i've learned to keep the mask on at all times. i speak the modern language well and pretend to have an interest in things that shine and giggle. i keep to myself and try not to stir the waters too much for fear of exposure. i stay within the boundaries and watch the words that leave my lips, lest someone squint a bit too hard or think i'm being a condescending snit. the implication here is not that i am the only one that feels this way, i'm sure there are plenty of other people who think and feel exactly as i do. i'm simply, for lack of a better word, bemoaning the predicament in which i seem to find myself.

whatever.

Comments

toreador_18's picture

Does this ring a bell?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sehnsucht

There is a place I dream of. A shore, a white sand beach. It's incessantly grey and cloudy weather-wise, but never ominously so. I am neither happy nor sad because memories are no more. All day, and it is a truly endless day, I'd sit down and trace patterns in the sand, and have no desire to be part of anything or anyone. To simply exist is enough.

My ideal afterlife, if I can so choose.

My back-up alternate universe would have me wandering the streets of 1950s era New York in a trenchcoat with a lovely out-of-work actress who yearns to light up the Broadway stage. We are very happy together despite the relentless cold and shortage of funds.

Maybe I've missed the point somewhat...

I tried.

Icarus's picture

yes. so for those of you

yes.

so for those of you falling in love
keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right
throw yourself in the midst of danger
and keep one eye open at night.
--"Elephants" Rachel Yamagata

TotalGeek42's picture

I definitely feel like

I definitely feel like that... I know it sounds horrible, because it was a terrifying time in many ways, but I feel like I should be in the forties... the music, the way people dressed and talked, the way society, not government mind you cuz that was all crap, but how the actual body of people worked... I feel like I oughtta be there.

Well, there or the sixties... which is also really bad cuz the whole thing with the civil rights movement meant a lot of crap for a lot of people. I dunno, as long as I lived in a really good place, like san francisco, I would have liked it. And, I know that a lot of people were discriminated against and all of that, but it was also a really hopeful time, you know? Everybody thought that all of the discrimination was going to get over with soon...

"Assets, what are our assets?"

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

Merric's picture

it's funny but

when I was younger I would sit in my room and think, "I want to go home."

And this is not quite related, but.
"About the 10,000 clubs to which I've pretended/genuinely deserved to be a member, about masks and trying to be happy/sad with such paltry, ridiculous truths, about feeling always like at least half a fraud, like I couldn't stop being undercover. Like I needed to hold something back--at least fifty percent--or else lose everything."
from http://marielynbernard.blogspot.com/2007/05/sunday-top-10-part-two-demen...
which basically says exactly what has been in my head for quite a long time. I always felt like I could never more than half belong to anything.

duct tape godess's picture

i did the same thing alot of

i did the same thing alot of the time.

"There was never any good old days
They are today, they are tomorrow
It's a stupid thing we say
Cursing tomorrow with sorrow"
-Gogol Bordello

stardust's picture

:0

Whoa, I feel the same way. I just read the post on the link you gave and I'm shocked because I've felt like that for a long time, but I never knew how to articulate it. Jeez now I'm really pondering this whole belonging thing, between your post and Icarus's.

Merric's picture

clarification

the blog I linked to isn't mine, it's just one I was reading. But it definitely expressed almost exactly something I've been thinking for years.

stardust's picture

generation

I feel out of place in this generation. I'm not sure which generation I belong in though. I think I would of liked the 60's, it was so important and pivotal in civil rights, so much activism. I know that there is a lot of activism now, and that the energy and fight has been resurrected somewhat by Prop 8, DOMA, & Don't Ask, Don't Tell, but I don't feel like it's the same. It was dangerous then, but people knew where they stood generally, they knew and cared about what they were fighting for. And today...it feels detached. I feel disconnected, as if this is Generation Limbo, many people are on one side or the other, but a large number are in between, indifferent, apathetic even. Things just seem murky. I know so much is happening now, but then again...how much is REALLY happening? I dunno, just my sad and confused ramble about the political and social climate, as far as I perceive it. I think I would also have liked the 20's, possibly.