Show me some love?

gaynow's picture

Though I haven't really posted here in a zillion years.... hiiiiiiiiiii!!!

Yeah, this isn't a real post, really, just wanted to say hey. Haven't been on here for a while, but I like the group that's on here now. I also wanted to see if Oasis Journaling still does that magic thing of making me feel better when I feel glum or isolated. Basically, today has been incredibly fucking nostalgic and has me missing like crazy: the simpler times of elementary school; my brilliant, wonderful former choir director who is, legit, the reason I love music today, but who moved to Florida; my unspeakably awesome paradise of a music camp that I just got back from. Saw my school friends yesterday, and it was very strange. Fun, but strange. I need to relearn how to interact with them. And my best friend is back in the city but I haven't seen her yet, I've barely talked to her... and I'm not sure how much I want to. Which is really fucking weird. But that's just sort of apathy, which isn't as strange and bizarre and guilt-inspiring as how apprehensive I am about seeing my other best friend again, because I was head over heels for her two years ago and that really fucked with my head, and I don't want to get back into that even though it's been so long. We were in a much much worse place this time last year (blowout, and she left the country without saying goodbye and I spent the summer fuming at her), but I still feel apprehensive about seeing her again. And then, of course, there are the girls from camp that I feel like I was just getting to know on another level at the very end of things, and I really want to get in touch with them and solidify those friendships and get to know them all for real... and texting only does so much. All this technology, phones, email, all these people so far away right at my fingertips... but really, they're not, at all, and it's infinitely frustrating. Not to mention that one of these girls is the girl I had a thing for all summer, and she's hardly even returning texts, so of course my insecure brain is wondering whether she's trying to blow me off, if I should back off or just go away entirely because she really doesn't want to be friends with me... 'cuz holy fuck, I have a lot of complexes. Wow. And of course, I get pissed at myself if I waste away an evening on the computer, because I told myself I wasn't going to do that so much after camp. It was so nice, actually, to be unplugged for 5 weeks. I should go do something productive. Finish cleaning my room, do SAT prep, research colleges (though maybe that takes place online... meh), read Romeo and Juliet, write music... or at least do something other than vapid, purposeless internet searching. Gah. Well, I will do something productive and fulfilling tonight, fuckdamnit. I think I'll go play some of that Bach I dug up. Or something.

You know, I've sort of missed journaling here. I don't keep a paper journal anymore, which is a bummer and I may start up again... This obviously did turn into a real journal entry... but apparently I needed that. And I do feel better. So thanks for letting me vent, guys, and some human contact would be greatly appreciated. I may very well be on here (and journaling) more often this year--I mean, it'll be sporradic at best, but Oasis is on my bookmarks bar, so... I'll see you guys around ^^

Comments

Lehcure's picture

heyyy :D mm I know exactly

heyyy :D
mm I know exactly what you mean about the texting technology etc..it does get frustrating!
and have fun searching colleges..:) I guess..there are so many!

Merric's picture

welcome back.

Sometimes I think productivity is overrated. But it can feel very satisfying.