soliloquy.

Icarus's picture

i feel as if any minute now i might rise from this chair, speaking to myself in the third and first person all at the same time in a tone of voice not unlike that of alice in the disney movie.

i seem to submit myself to the strangest of tortures. looking at pictures of acquaintances having the sort of fun that when i find myself in the midst of it, leave with disdain. i look at pictures of my friends with mutual friends, knowing that i'll never share that sort of camaraderie, thanks to an overbearing and paranoid mother and friends who lack the rebellious streak i so wish i had actually instilled in them.

i wish for relationships that, if they existed in real life, would be nowhere as delicious as they are in my mind, all the while passing up legitimate opportunities to make friends and create connections in favor of a fantasy life in my head.

am i bitter? perhaps. but more curious as to what it is that drives us to torture ourselves with things we would never dream of wanting otherwise. why we sit and gaze for hours at pictures and videos of people we've never met, places we've never been, doing things we'd never dream of doing.

perhaps it's a sort of vicarious thrill, living through the moments of other people, captured within the electronic memory of the electronic mainframe. perhaps we simply lack the ability to create connections with those around us for the simple fact that, there are no connections to be made.

maybe i'm just rambling. maybe i'm just realizing for the first time that i'm the one being left behind, i'm the one watching the mass exodus of everyone i've ever known, ever grown up with, ever shared a conversation with, to places i'll never go, doing thing's i'll never do. maybe i'm just waiting for the day when i'll stop looking at the pictures, and start making memories of my own.

Comments

jacjessen90's picture

um... "to be or not to be, that is the question...."

whoops, sorry,....wrong sillilaquy.....
"to live a day alone, only THAT would be torture! An hour without you, only THAT would be death!" ~gomez addams

Merric's picture

iiiinteresting...

Bits of this are like pieces of my brain. Especially the simultaneous third- and first-person. Kind of like how when I think in words they're in this nebulous area between the visual and auditory. Like I'm saying them and writing them at the same time.
It makes sense, somehow.

will's picture

I feel you on this. What you

I feel you on this. What you need is to get your nose in doing something productive. Or just get busy with SOMETHING that will make your life more meaningful to live.

Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

crazypickle's picture

I understand that feeling...

I understand that feeling... When you feel like you're "outside" looking at all of the people who have made connections...and you're not part of it. And even if presented with the opportunity to partake in whatever it is that they're doing, you probably wouldn't take it...but still, it's nice to at least be given the opportunity. I agree with Will. The best thing to do is find activities to keep you busy... However, *hugs,* what you are saying absolutely makes sense to me..