i feel as if any minute now i might rise from this chair, speaking to myself in the third and first person all at the same time in a tone of voice not unlike that of alice in the disney movie.
i seem to submit myself to the strangest of tortures. looking at pictures of acquaintances having the sort of fun that when i find myself in the midst of it, leave with disdain. i look at pictures of my friends with mutual friends, knowing that i'll never share that sort of camaraderie, thanks to an overbearing and paranoid mother and friends who lack the rebellious streak i so wish i had actually instilled in them.
i wish for relationships that, if they existed in real life, would be nowhere as delicious as they are in my mind, all the while passing up legitimate opportunities to make friends and create connections in favor of a fantasy life in my head.
am i bitter? perhaps. but more curious as to what it is that drives us to torture ourselves with things we would never dream of wanting otherwise. why we sit and gaze for hours at pictures and videos of people we've never met, places we've never been, doing things we'd never dream of doing.
perhaps it's a sort of vicarious thrill, living through the moments of other people, captured within the electronic memory of the electronic mainframe. perhaps we simply lack the ability to create connections with those around us for the simple fact that, there are no connections to be made.
maybe i'm just rambling. maybe i'm just realizing for the first time that i'm the one being left behind, i'm the one watching the mass exodus of everyone i've ever known, ever grown up with, ever shared a conversation with, to places i'll never go, doing thing's i'll never do. maybe i'm just waiting for the day when i'll stop looking at the pictures, and start making memories of my own.