Some people may see being gay as a distress, I see it as a bliss.
No, I'm not just being optimistic here (although I try to be). I actually have good reasons to say so.
Ever since I discovered my unique sexual orientation, I rarely thought of it as a negative thing. I said rarely, not never.
I’m out to pretty much everyone I know, friends and family, except my extended family members who reside in China, and will not be escaping the horrible country anytime soon. (How’s that for patriotism!) I am tough, but not tough enough to challenge the inherited tradition that runs in their veins, not yet at least. In a lighter note, most of the people I’ve came out to took it fine, if not great, much thanks to the lovely Canadian culture.
Over the years, as I grew more comfortable in my own skins, whether it’d be sexual orientation or gender identity, I’ve come to appreciate more the meanings of being gay and the unexpected benefits that it has brought into my life. The first and most important one is that I became more introspective. A lot more. A significant growing amount. You get the point.
Realizing my unique sexual desires (I like the word “unique” with a positive connotation =D) and admitting it to myself took a lot of self-questioning. But through this arduous process of soul searching, my sense of self-awareness heightened. I became more in touch with myself and found out more as to who I am and what do I want in life. Excuse the cliché, it comes in handy when explaining feelings.
I still remember the innocent times when I didn’t know what lesbian is. Back in grade 7, there was this super tomboy in my class, more so than I am now (I still had long hair back then. Unimaginable, right?), you can’t really tell that she was a girl by merely looking at her. Anyways, I used to think, like everyone else, that she was weird. (Like I was so normal) I didn’t understand why she would dress up like that. And when rumors spread around the school that she’s going out with a girl, I was astonished to say the least. I even convinced myself that they were just kidding; you know how incredible rumors can be. I just didn’t think it was possible for 2 girls to be engaged in a romantic relationship, the idea never came across my limited mind. I was a dumbass, I have to admit.
The ironic thing is, however, I also had a crush on this girl in my class at the time, only I didn’t realize it was a crush. I thought every girl had feelings like mine, wanting to kiss a girl and all, which doesn’t really make sense to me now that I think about it, maybe I just didn’t give it much thought back then. I recall occasionally telling my best friend at the time that the girl is cute, and even went as far as to ask her to collect info& photos about this girl. (What a stalker, I know. Don’t I wish facebook existed then) I would blush when I talk to her, or even when looking at her in the eyes. If that’s not gay, I don’t know what is.
But you won’t believe it when I say that I had no clue. Absolutely none. Even my best friend knew and told me that I’m a lesbian, but I denied it. Not out of embarrassment or shame, more of ignorance and the lack of self-knowledge.
Anyways, fast-forward. I can’t really pinpoint the exact moment when I did come to terms with my sexuality, somewhere around the middle of grade 8. I think it was a progressive realization with many hours spent on computer researching, being a nerd I am.
But what I can tell you though is this, the journey was exhilarating. It explained all the feelings I had for girls since grade 2. It feels like all the pieces finally fitted together and the mystery is solved. I was rather relieved than worried. The worrying hit my later, which is a whole different story in itself.
This post if way longer than I intended to be, and there’s way more I wanted to include. So let’s call it Part one for now, I’ll probably talk about how being gay has changed my religious view for good, in the next post. And I won’t challenge your attention span further.