untitle. (a.k.a. w...t...f...)

Icarus's picture

i revel in the circumstances of my own self-denial. i pore over false idols of sexual servitude and pine away over those that exist only in my head, but am faced with no physical alternative other than my own hand and fleeting smiles like lightning bolts. i sneer and snarl over issues that are so distant to me that they could be different languages, all the while wishing for a reason to protest. i can list my own shortcomings verbatim but i struggle to find a time when i am truly happy. i yearn with puppy-like intensity for that which I cannot achieve. in circles i ramble, avoiding the real issues and the real problems.

i'm scared.

i'm lonely.

i'm ugly.

i hate those that tell me to wait for the right moment. those that tell me my time will come. those that desperately try to reassure and refill my ever lowering still of self-esteem. those that seem to have found the happiness and contentment that i so ache to create.

i hide from my own advice. i hide from my own sense of self-betrayal. i hide from my problems and blame it on myself. i prop myself up with humor and bad timing, when all i want is to be strong and silent.

i want that kind of feeling you see in the movies. all i know i learned from the movies. my life has become a virtual playground for hollywood to wreak havoc. i am a victim of my own making.

i am breaking my own barriers. i don't want to be single, but i don't need anyone to tell me i'm good enough.

the end.

Comments

will's picture

*hug*

Words dont matter as much as action.

Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

Merric's picture

let's be nihilistic and say...

there is no right moment. There is no right. God is dead.

Those people that try to raise your self-esteem, they've found neither happiness nor contentment.

I think very few people have. Or maybe I'm hoping this, which makes me a bad person, but we knew that already.

will's picture

I thought

you believes in God. LOL Does that make you a hypocritical person as well? :P Jokes! Everyone is one essentially.

Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

Merric's picture

haha, we're all hypocrites, aren't we

The God is dead part was slightly sarcastic. I meant it about there not being a right moment, but that sent me into nihilism, and how could I discuss nihilism without using their special catch-phrase?

will's picture

Indeed we are.

Gotcha =) And I doubt nihilists REALLY believe in nihilism as well, they are probably also hypocrites and merely confused. But that sent me into cynicism, oh well...

Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

ReinbowGrl's picture

I should beat you. You need

I should beat you. You need a strong dose of Amyness and then you'll snap out of it. don't make me come out there! :]

- - - - - - - -
Grow tall sugarcane, eat that soil, drink the rain. But know that they'll chase you if you play their little games. So run, run fast, sugarcane.