Confusion and Futuring

Disney's picture

What's up?

Quick and dirty, as things tend to be these days. Except my lovely long-distance love ties.

So things are going well with my boy, very well, and it may just be that he moves to my city in the summer for school! Meaning we'd live together. However, it's obviously ages away, there's lots of reasons it won't work, and while it's better *for* him, it's more expensive, only his mom knows he's gay and his dad may not (serious badness may occur if it's not done slowly with that one) aaand presto, how am I to live with a boy when my parents are likewise paying rent... and can visit a few times a year to check the place out?

Well, here's the thing, my coming out to my rents. Mom knows, and now I'm guessing the whole fam jam has some inclination since 'partner' came up when speaking about marriage on the way to dinner last night, so yay, howeverrrrr, as much as I do love my parents, I have major contempt for them, and honestly would not like for my boyfriend to meet them. He wants to, just like I want to meet his, but it's not severe want, and neither on my end.

However, if I come out full-on and let them in on our relationship, and later this year comment on getting an apartment for two... with one bed - things might get diced. Diced as in, no dice for me and boy, no dice as in, my dad will not be happy and slash my monthly allowance of joy, as in, my boy might have to meet my godforsaken rents.

Not a big deal and I might sound like a wimp, but then again I know if this is to work out, for more than a while, it'll mean my parents want to meet this boy that's my partner, and even if I blather on about how he 'doesn't want to meet you, sorry' or something, ick. Also, if we do move in together, wtf do we do for holidays? I can skip a couple, and maybe he'd go home for Christmas no worries, but I would LOVE to relax with him and even have him enjoy the comforts of our family home. But minus my parents.

I think I have more issues than I realized, since I just feel so so so much contempt. I think it's their mannerisms and lack of care and even with the mention of partner above... mention of 'those GAYS' every once in a while as a plague word. Yay.

Advice? If I don't come out with it, then maybe we can just keep lying with the apartment stitch, maybe they won't see it, maybe he can hide when they come. Maybe he won't even come for two more years permanently. Oh, the other issue is me wanting a flight to HIM in February. I can pay for it, but am lying about a job/conference thing there for two weeks, and have already commenced the lie in tidbits, yay. But I can still change up easily for the next month, as in, oh, I love him, he lives over there, I want to see him, but no worries, I can pay, however if you helped, yay. But then it could backfire entirely and I might not be ABLE to go (sorry for not wanting to fly away and risk parental wrath and serious probs if *I* have serious probs... like lack of cash, over there), whereas current lie is near-guaranteed to work. However it'd also suck if they found out about this lie.

So basically lies with lies within lies. For love. Ya. I do love my parents, and maybe it's a trend to hate on those you love, and even though I know my boyfriend will deal with them and accept me, and even though I know he won't REALLY care, I just cannot abide them staring at him horribly, or my mom being a bitch to him, or them just being deliberately, or even worse *unintentionally* embarrasing, aaaand to top it off, it just being fucking awkward.

I can deal with a dinner here and there, but then it'll be 'why aren't you BOTH here this Christmas?' And sure, not a bad idea, but fml fml fml if my boyfriend and I spend Christmas with my family. He'll be a sideshow. I swear to God I do want to kill my family most of the time, I just want to be left alone. I pretty much just want the cash and peace.

I sound horrible, but I'm just fed up of thinking over this, and I'll speak to a bestie about it this week, but wtf do I do? Realistically, I'll come out to them eventually anyway, but literally my personal, non-bf related concern is: how do I continue to handle Christmas and summer breaks with sanity? How do I not feel like crap when my boyfriend meets them?

I love my boyfriend, I really do, I'm just confused as to what to do here. My parents can also be fine enough, hence dinners being acceptable, woo slapping on elegance and superb normalcy. But home life? Sure, it's different with guests and he'll be one, but ugh. Helppppp


elph's picture

First: Make Sure He Shares The Same Dream...

...think about it!

If he is seen as an important complement to assuring your long-term happiness... "Bight the bullet" and tell your parents!

They'll know eventually anyway, and I strongly suspect that they will not stop loving you.

jeff's picture


You determine how your life goes, how your boyfriend is integrated into it with your family, and what is best for you. Their actions can determine how much time they get with you, etc., and you can lay down the law as far as what needs to happen for your involvement.

For an example of this, see above. You're not out, but they know, so they say "partner" to be inclusive, or somesuch, but since it is not discussed, they don't discuss it. If you come out and do it jubilantly and earnestly and tell them of the joy he has brought into your life, then they either embrace that energy or push it away.

But I'd never stall my life for the comfort of others. Of course, that also goes for the money you receive from them. If you let that control your relationship with them, then you're signing onto that deal with the devil. So, I hope it's a LOT of cash to restrict your life that much.

And if you're concerned about them being problematic for the holidays, have a backup plan. If they do something messed up, leave. You need to show them how important he is to you, and that if push comes to shove, it will affect your relationship with them, not him.

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis