GAH!

Nanook's picture

I'm so incredibly frustrated now. I just want to be OUT of this state. I'm so f'ing tired of my school. All the people there, are boring, annoying and so incredibly unattractive. All the males at my school walk around like they have a stick up their ass because it somehow communicates more masculine body language, or at least that's the conclusion I've arrived at. And it pisses me off!

And then the girls? Jesus christ, why would somebody wear blue/black zebra printed tights, with a skanky-mesh-tube-type pink monsterous thing with ugly Osiris-brand yellow, orange and blue kicks? Everyone at my school is just skank, to the max.

And the homosexuals? There's one, besides myself. And he's in that stupid and annoying pride, self-discovery stage. And I really can't stand communicating with people when they're in that stage. Sure, homosexuality is a pretty big facet of my life, but I do other things than liking dudes.

You know what's funny? I've only encountered ONE other make homosexual that I haven't found incredibly annoying. Joey, my ex, is a fucking lunatic and he's so incredibly annoying. Then Matthew? He's going through that self-discovery/pride bullshit too. And he's so annoying too. He's so incredibly dry and UGH! Must I go on?

Andy was the only one that didn't annoy me to the max. He was down to earth and done with the pride-shit. Sure, when same-sex marriage was legalized in Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine, I was pretty happy. I think it's safe to say it made my day. But not my week and certainly not my year. And he and I were so incredibly comfortable around each other. We acted like a couple and not some prideful experimenting same-sex couple of annoyingness. Oh, and he was attractive. I apparently failed to mention that every homosexual male I've encountered is UGLY. Save for Andy, naturally. Maybe I'm just a heterosexual-romanticist at heart... *sighs*

Ugh! I just want to be over Andy so badly. I'm done being depressed, I'm done crying and I'm done being moody. I just want to fucking move on into a slump of lack-of-romance.

But I'm just so afraid of letting him go. What if he was the one? And what if this is the end of us?

Oh, BTW! Please don't tell me that it'll get better and that there's other boys out there. If I cared about the other boys out there, I wouldn't be ranting about Andy, would I?

GAH! This is so ridiculously stupid.

P.S.
Sorry for the lack of coherence in this. I just kind of let what I was feeling spill onto the keys.

Comments

jeff's picture

Hmm...

Can't you offer to replace the stick?

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

elph's picture

Some Missing Context?

Everything you say about Andy sounds as though you and him are entirely comfortable with your mutual friendship. Why do you see the necessity of letting him go? This doesn't compute.

Also, I don't think you want to be known at school for having just a single friend. You communicate the impression of being one that could be a great friend... why bemoan the lack of attractive gays? Non-gays can make great friends as well...

Try to overlook the irritating body language/dress of your classmates. I agree that these aspects can be quite annoying... but there must be some who have other attributes that more than compensate for this passing phase of adolescence.

Nanook's picture

I feel the need to let Andy

I feel the need to let Andy go, because it would allow me to escape having to deal with rejection, although he didn't exactly reject me in the conventional way. Andy and I didn't break up because of personal reasons; it was more so because our lives were just incompatible at the moment. But even still, he ended the relationship, so I felt jilted, and somewhat betrayed - I felt rejected. And well, I take rejection rather personally it seems. Currently, I'm still at the point where I'm trying to get over that rejection, and sometimes, it just seems it would be easier to have him exit my life, then deal with our relationship falling into a lower gear.

It's not that I don't have friends, it's that I don't have any male homosexual friends. I don't have anyone I can really relate to, to understand how I'm feeling or what I'm feeling. Sure, I'm over the pride phase, but it still would be nice to know some dudes that like other dudes...

Yea, there definitely are a good amount of individuals that don't look like harlets. But last night I was in a mega-huge rut. So I was looking at all the negatives. However, the girl with the blue leopard print tights, the pink mesh-tube of skank and the ugly shoes is inexcusable.

I think I'm just really frustrated with the ridiculousness of what my life is at the moment... I sort of had a miniature-miniature-mental break down last night.