As I sit here, sipping on my Sleepy Time Tea (don't hate.. it's yummy and I don't need sugar for it. =] ), my mind is a rush of things that have happened to me in a few short hours...
My ex began talking to me again. The ex that I thought broke up with me for another of my friends. Well, apparanently he and his girlfriend (no one I knew) broke up a few days ago. I knew about that, but didn't think anything of it at the time. He came on MSN at about 10pm.. and we talked past 1:30am. During that time we talked about what was happening in our lives.. yet he didn't mention breaking up with the girl. And the thing was... he was openly flirting with me, which just confused the hell out of me. He also told me right off the bat that he *misses* me (I asked him why, and he took forever to respond.. typing for about three minutes for a two word answer hah).. then about an hour later I went on myspace, and I saw that his status was "missing her-" and he had just updated it 20 minutes before. I wasn't sure what to make of that.. and I had updated mine to "I'm twisted in knots, don't leave me hanging. I can't do this all over again." And of course, I was wondering if he'd see it and ask me about it.. I was curious, okay? And he did.. but I said that it was part of a story that I had written, but it was a crap story, and it was the only part I liked about it. So I asked him about his, and he said it was about his ex.. which is completely understandable. The thing was, though... he couldn't get his words right.. like.. he was trying hard to come up with an answer. So, when 1:30 rolled around, he said he was going to bed.. 15 minutes later I get a text from him.. and we talked through text until 2.
Am I grasping at straws, or does it seem to anyone else that he's either trying to get over his ex super hard by talking to other girls, or that he likes me again?? Anyone?
And the main thing is.. I guess when he broke up with me, he kind of broke my heart.. and I played it off like I was fine.. but.. I don't know what to think right now. Before he broke up with me, I was going to tell him that I loved him. I truly felt that strongly for him.. and.. I feel that same way at this moment, right here.. right now. I don't want to date another ex. I really don't.. but he's no normal ex to me. I've told one other boyfriend that I loved him.. and that was a complete mistake, because I had no idea what love was with him.. it became a normal thing to say I loved him. But this is so different.. this is nothing I've felt before.. it's sadness and happiness and compassion and hurt and everything rolled into one.. I feel so overwhelmed right now.
God, I just feel like crying.. I'm so mixed up.. I miss home and my family and friends and my best friend and him.. 3 hours away is too far for me right now.. I need comfort.. I need a fucking hug really bad right now.
So. Anyways.. to get my mind off those things..
College is going well, other than the slight homesickness I've been feeling. I love my teachers, even the old crabby woman hah. And I especially love being on a girls- only campus.. there are so many cute / gorgeous / completely hot girls here haha. It helps a lot that most people here are super accepting. I signed up to join GSA, so I'm pretty excited for that.. but I don't know when or where the first meeting will be. =/ I have to go look at the board again.
Well, my tea is gone. I'm going to go to bed now.. we'll see what happens tomorrow- if he texts me, I will know something is up. He rarely talks to me two days in a row.
Thanks for reading this, everyone.
Have I ever mentioned how greatful I am for everything you all have helped me with? You've helped me through some of the toughest times in my life. Thank you. Truly, from the bottom of my heart.
Oh, damn it.. of course, THAT song would have to come on, especially now that I was feeling a bit better.. Yep.. tears going down my face.. Nothing Compared To You by Sinead O Connor.. except it's sung by Kenny Anderson, AKA King Creosote. Slower, sadder.. fml. That was the one song that I played on repeat when he broke up with me, hah...