OK just to let you youngens know even us old folk get depressed once in a while. Today my lover of 19 years took off for Atlanta by him self. He is going there to meet up with a guy he has never met face to face but only on the internet. He will spend this afternoon, all of tomorrow and the next day, with him then head back here the following day. True we have an open relationship for sex only since I cant get it up to pleasure him any more (viagra doesn't work on me) and we both have agreed that we can seek out partners for the purpose of sex only. This is the first time he left me to go do this sort of thing in another city. Usually its here at home, or close by and one night/day flings.
I am scared, depressed, and of course jealous too. I have to take into consideration just what would I tell other people in this same situation. I know he will come back to me. Yet I am scared he wont. I know it is only for sex, but will he fall in love with this guy? I some times wish I was never a cop in the past to have gotten kicked so hard down there that it damaged me enough that it does not function like it should. I will not do any thing stupid mind you. Just scared a bit, and angry at myself for not being able to satisfy him.
Its funny we talked about this in the past too. We are both madly in love with each other. Want to be with each other, yet have no lust for each other. We don't desire to do things sexually with each other any more. We look for others to full fill that need. He is a total bottom and extremely passive and into SM/BD etc, and I am so passive that I cant touch the other person to get the ball(s) rolling! I wish I could be more aggressive in that sense.
So here I sit in the RV with the dog and three cats, watching tv, playing on the computer, hoping, wishing, dreaming, that nothing will go wrong, he wont be hurt, he will come back, this stranger will not strangle him and leave the body in the dumpster. I already miss him, and want to be with him. Usually we go on trips like this together and go our separate ways when we hit the town. But this time he wanted to go by himself and not include me...is that why I am feeling like this...because he didn't want me to come along? Maybe...maybe not, its hard to say. Did he want to strike out on his own and look for another lover who can satisfy his needs? I don't think so, but in the back of my mind, my paranoia creeps up and says that is the reason. Yet I know its not going to happen that way.
I almost called Brandon, who was the 16 year old runaway who stayed with us for three years, to cry on his shoulder. He would understand my feelings, but I don't, won't bother him with such small problems. He always wanted to go to bed with me, but I would not allow it. He found a older guy that he now lives with and is very happy and I am glad for him. He is on his own and of course so am I.
Sigh ..... Sigh... depression sucks you know that. Really sucks....but hey...pick my self up...dust off the cigarette ashes I just dropped on my crotch and clean the house. That will take my mind off this feeling I have. No tears...no boo hoo...So off to work cleaning I go. Thanks for listening, or in this case reading. I am much better just having thought it out and put it down on paper.