I realized something today--something almost funny but mostly just sad. I went through the Photo hallway after choir, because when I come up into the atrium where the gym doors are, I often cross paths with K. [for anyone who doesn't know, she is my BFF and the girl i've loved for nearly 2 years, and as of last week she has a boyfriend. ><] Today was no exception--when I reached the top of the stairs into main hall, she was right there too, about to head down. "Hi!" I said happily, and she responded with an almost surprised smile. That smile--which I always get if I see her in the hallways between classes--always puts a smile on my face too. Today, though, it made me think "See, and it's okay for me to do things to see her that make me happy, because they make her smile too. And that's what matters."
And then, BAM--New Moon. I realized that's almost exactly what Bella says to justify keeping Jake around--he know she doesn't love him, and she likes having him around, so it's okay to let him hold her hand or whatever. Which, in turn, made me realize that I'm just like Jacob. My situation is nearly identical to his. I happen to be best friends with the object of my affection. She doesn't like me back, though--she likes somebody else, and I know she does, and I keep trying to get as much of her as I can anyway. I was her support when some guy she liked, who she thought liked her back, up and left. I was her support whenever thoughts of him intruded. We hang out with other people in school and such, but we spend as much time together as we can. And, worst of all, I know that she doesn't love me, and she probably never will, but I also know that I won't stop loving her and I won't stop trying to get her to love me, and that I almost hate her a little for not loving me back. But I can't hate her because she isn't trying to hurt me, it's my fault I'm feeling this pain, and plus I love her so I can't hate her for longer than a split second. Also, sometimes I just want to run away from her and never see her again, but when I do see her I forget about my pain at first. All these characteristics apply to Jacob as well. The only major differences are that I'm a girl and that she doesn't know I love her.
[so i pretty much spent the whole afternoon brooding about this. it's really rather sad isn't it? and i always mocked jacob for being too weak. =/ and now here i am in the same situation.]