Empty inside...

cantbreathe's picture

I thought coming to boarding school would fix everything. My problems were back home in Chicago, I could start over, do things the right way. And for the first couple weeks, that worked. But then I realized I couldn't be that person. I'm awkward. I'm gay. Sometimes I say things I don't mean. Sometimes I cry. There are scars on my wrists. More often than not, I'm too clingy. That's who I am, it's not going to change. Junior says she doesn't mind, but then she never quite looks me in the eye. Senior only spends time with me when she's got nothing else to do. Sophomore still hasn't talked to me. Walked right by me when I was cleaning my saddle, then again when I was taking Ink up to turnout. Not a glance, not a word. Jingling spurs never sounded so loud. Then, after formal, standing in a circle with Junior and a sophomore boy, talked to both of them, but never looked once at me, never even said hi. I miss her so much. I miss the easy friendships I had at home, the ones that weren't shaky, the ones with ten years of base. I'm so worn out, never physically tired, just emotionally. When all I need is to sleep, and forget for a few hours, either I can't, or Sophomore haunts my dreams.

At least I have Ink... I rode tackless today, and he finally got a flying lead change.

33 days to Thanksgiving break.

Comments

lamb_da's picture

D:

*hug*

That's so straight. No, seriously.

AlwaysFallingDeeper's picture

Hmm...

I feel the same way at school. I don't have many people to talk to anymore. I could walk by so many old friends in the hallway but it's too much work to actually look at me and smile or wave back. I'm definately awkward most of the time, or just weird. I have no visible scars on my wrist but they are there. That's why I'm on sites like this though. There are lots of loving and non-judgemental people on Oasis and I love them. Cheer up. It will get better. Life isn't supposed to be so sad. You'll find your happiness somewhere. *hugs*

“Love's not a competition but I'm winning"

TotalGeek42's picture

*Hugs* You'll find friends,

*Hugs*

You'll find friends, and maybe sometimes you've gotta do the talking first.. at least say hi to Sophomore. As for awkwardness... yeah, I have lots of that. You just have to find the right people to hang around... if you find other people with plenty of awkwardness it all works out in the end. It takes time to find people like that though...

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

Torchwood is my second love. John Barrowman is amazingly gorgeous...

lamb_da's picture

you need to find...

someone like me at your school...or just make sure they find you...
:D that's how i met Blue...just randomly go up to them and...say hi! :)

That's so straight. No, seriously.