i hate myself

tenmilestilts's picture

she texted me. there's this guy in her gym class. he got her number from a friend. last night they were texting after she and i stopped. we always text every night. she like falls asleep texting me. but she likes him and she thinks he likes her.

and i was getting so close to telling her. so close. i'd finally gotten up enough courage and confidence to tell her how i feel about her. i thought that maybe she did like me too.

i just cried over her for the first time. before, no matter how bad things were, i couldn't cry. but i did just now. for like 20 minutes.

and i don't know how i'm gonna face her and pretend that things are the same tomorrow. but she's my best friend and i'm hers and i can't just run away from her.

i'm never going to be able to tell her now. it took me months to talk myself up. now...i don't want to give up. but now i don't know what to do anymore.

i need to go do homework. i have a few hours' worth to get done in the next two and a half hours.

i've never said this before but FML. why couldn't i have been somebody else? why couldn't i be straight? ...i wasn't actually positive i was bi before. but now i know i am, because that wouldn't hurt so much if i was straight. that wouldn't cut into me so deep if she was just a dear friend.

i hate my life. if i was the kind of person who cut or threatened suicide, that's what i'd be doing now. but instead i'm just going to shove my feelings into that tight spot where they're hidden and go back to the life most people see.

Comments

TotalGeek42's picture

Wow... I'm really, really

Wow... I'm really, really sorry. But I promise that things will get better and you know what? You'll end up getting together with her. Just cuz I want you to. ^^

*Hugs*

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

Torchwood is my second love. John Barrowman is amazingly gorgeous...

tenmilestilts's picture

thanks. i'll tell her that.

thanks. i'll tell her that. i'll be like "totalgeek from this oasis place i told you about says that we shud get together. and ya wouldn't wanna disappoint him would you?"
...i'm feeling a lot less pessimistic about it now. we texted all evening after i posted this journal. i just can't be upset with her--or about her--for very long.
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

TotalGeek42's picture

Haha, it'd totally work.

Haha, it'd totally work. :D

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

Torchwood is my second love. John Barrowman is amazingly gorgeous...

tenmilestilts's picture

definitely. that's the

definitely. that's the plan. *nods decisively*
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

carmen143's picture

Hey Now.

Yes this is a sucky situation but...
Who says you have to roll over and take it?
I know you can still tell her!
You can do it!!!
It took you this long.
Don't give up now!
Oh and infinitely many hugs.
<3 FLAME ON! <3

tenmilestilts's picture

thanks. that's what one of

thanks. that's what one of my friends said--i still should tell her. i'm not sure i'll be able to get up the confidence to tell her, especially now that so much more is at stake, but i know that's what i need to do. *sigh* sometimes i really wish i were straight and life would be easier. but i'm not and it's not and i s'pose all i can do is suck it up.
thanks for the hugs. they were much needed. ^^
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!