I was flirting with a boy tonight. But I don't think I actually really, genuinely, absolutely like him. Like we click enough. But not enough to make it into love I think.
But it was weird, through out flirting, I just felt bad. I felt like I was betraying Andy. But it's been a month. And I told someone that I still missed them, and he told me I needed to get over it... But I don't know, it was my first shot at love, you know? And it's not like we ended on bad terms. We ended on AMAZING terms. We liked each other when we split. I still like him. He still thinks about me... I think.
Probably not as much as I think about him though. It's kind of unnatural how much I think about him. But ionno, so many things remind me of him. Organic, tinctures, tractors, farms, sheep, roger and hamerstein, the wiz, styles of shirts and clothing, certain shoes and certain hair styles. They all remind me of him for one reason or another. And I keep relating my life to his. And like, I have all these cute stories involving he and I, but I feel so awkward sharing them.
But like, he didn't break up with me because he doesn't like me anymore, or because he hated me. That's the thing, this rejection, which really isn't rejection, is hard to deal with. He doesn't hate me, and I don't hate him. Instead of supplanting my emotions with hate, all I have left to do is try and accept the fact that he and I just can't be together because of the distance.
But, that's so ridiculously hard. A simple lame thing like distance ended a whole relations. Something so menial - so seemingly unimportant - ended my relationship with him.
ugh, I'm just tired of all of this! Maybe I should become a priest or monk... I wouldn't have to deal with boys.