I'm fucking sick and tired of this. Tomorrow is the PFLAG chapter meeting for this month. I was finally going to be able to go, and I've wanted to for a few months now. But NO. My dad informed me the other day that I will be going with my mom to drive to visit my grandma. It's about 2 and a half hours driving there, and the same back. It's not that I don't want to see my grandma. I'm just so beyond tired of being at the mercy of everyone else's schedule in my family. I'm like the extra person in the family. I have to schedule around everyone else's schedule. And most of the time I can't even do that because they hardly stick to a friggin schedule and change it all the time. My dad has this thing where he doesn't want my mom to drive there alone, because he's friggin stupid and ocd about it. So I have to go because he and my brother are both busy with boy scout stuff.
I was just so excited about finally getting to go to some kind of queer gathering. Terrified, yes, but excited. And now I can't go. I couldn't even tell them that I already had plans. I feel so cut off. I can't go to the Youth center because they won't let me drive downtown by myself. I can't go to PFLAG tomorrow. Oh and we're going out of town the last weekend of the month, right in the middle of Pride weekend here. I know I should be patient and hang in there and all that, but I'm tired. I'm so tired of always waiting for things to get better. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of hanging on to shreds of hope. I feel like I've wasted and lost so much through all the waiting, because I'm always waiting. I just want something to go right for a change. I was driving home from the bookstore today and suddenly I felt this wave of profound loneliness hit me. I feel constantly isolated by all the different things in my life. I just want to connect with someone. Make a new friend. I want somebody to miss ME for a change.
I cannot fucking wait to get the hell out of here. It's just made worse because nobody sees how miserable and lonely I feel here. I need distance. I need the present to happen now, not the someday future...Sorry for the pathetic rant. I just hate that I actually had something to look forward to and now I don't. I shouldn't have let myself get attached to the idea I guess. Night.