I'm so confused a lot of the time. Sometimes I think I'm bi...and then sometimes I wonder if I'm gay and just not ready to let go of the idea of guys. Maybe I'm just too afraid of how much I'd feel I was losing. I don't understand me. I don't understand this.
I notice guys and girls. So then I try to think about what inner qualities and personality traits attract me to a person, but they aren't really gender specific things, but people specific. It took me so long to even get to this point, the whole thought that I could be queer terrified me, and still does. But I'm accepting of it, so how am I still not completely accepting myself as whatever I am? Maybe this is all more evidence that I'm bi, because it's very hard for me to reconcile feelings for both genders simultaneously, like I feel straight when I like or notice a guy, and gay when I like or notice a girl. I don't know how to accept the halves together, if there are even two halves to begin with. I'm more okay with the being queer than I used to be, but I can't seem to figure out if my self just needs more time to realize that I'm gay or if it's just me reacting to negative and skeptical opinions surrounding bisexuals. Like if I'm subconsciously allowing myself to be swayed into the mindset that I can't be bi, which may be happening because it still feels abstract to me.
I'm scared of being gay or bi, of what it means for my future. And I'm scared of me, especially because I'm starting to wonder who me even is.
I'm just at a loss. I feel stuck in this record of repetitive emo ballads, going around and around again and again. Eeehhh...I feel like I'm having an existential sexual orientation mini-crisis moment. :-/ Am I a weird case or something? Or is this common?