to thine own self be true?

stardust's picture

I'm so confused a lot of the time. Sometimes I think I'm bi...and then sometimes I wonder if I'm gay and just not ready to let go of the idea of guys. Maybe I'm just too afraid of how much I'd feel I was losing. I don't understand me. I don't understand this.

I notice guys and girls. So then I try to think about what inner qualities and personality traits attract me to a person, but they aren't really gender specific things, but people specific. It took me so long to even get to this point, the whole thought that I could be queer terrified me, and still does. But I'm accepting of it, so how am I still not completely accepting myself as whatever I am? Maybe this is all more evidence that I'm bi, because it's very hard for me to reconcile feelings for both genders simultaneously, like I feel straight when I like or notice a guy, and gay when I like or notice a girl. I don't know how to accept the halves together, if there are even two halves to begin with. I'm more okay with the being queer than I used to be, but I can't seem to figure out if my self just needs more time to realize that I'm gay or if it's just me reacting to negative and skeptical opinions surrounding bisexuals. Like if I'm subconsciously allowing myself to be swayed into the mindset that I can't be bi, which may be happening because it still feels abstract to me.

I'm scared of being gay or bi, of what it means for my future. And I'm scared of me, especially because I'm starting to wonder who me even is.

I'm just at a loss. I feel stuck in this record of repetitive emo ballads, going around and around again and again. Eeehhh...I feel like I'm having an existential sexual orientation mini-crisis moment. :-/ Am I a weird case or something? Or is this common?

Comments

lamb_da's picture

i know!

pansexual? or are you a byke? bisexual lesbian? mehbehz?

That's so straight. No, seriously.

kuu2's picture

wooosaaa!!

just breathe. its sooo okay. i went through that too. for like an year. it takes time to find who u r.

Life is easily complicated.

l.enigma_ambulante's picture

I'm going through the EXACT

I'm going through the EXACT same thing right now. And your first paragraph really hit it home for me... especially "Sometimes I think I'm bi...and then sometimes I wonder if I'm gay and just not ready to let go of the idea of guys."

I actually thought that this morning. Weird.

Just let things fall into place as time goes by. You'll figure it out eventually. And you don't need to define yourself, really. Like who you like, regardless of the label. =]

[[Love means you can never be apart... <3]]

Nanook's picture

I didn't really proof this, sorry!

Who ever said you had to have a label for sexuality?

After all, what is sexuality, other than a societal term used to bully people into narrow-mindedness? Sure, there's multiple sexualities - homosexuals, bisexuals, heterosexuals, OH MY! - but they're still labels. They're flimsy, not very defining and pretty shallow. And since when can't you just be a people liker? Since when does the gender of a person get to decide who you can, or can't love? Why can't we all just be "peoplesexuals"?

I mean sure, I like dudes, pretty much exclusively, but that doesn't mean I have a lack of attraction to the opposite sex, or for that matter, to people in general. I love love LOVE tall, skinny, red heads that happen to be female. And I have to say I enjoy the occasional brunette. For me, it's a matter of whether I dig their personality, and so far, the group, known as "homosexuals", seem to just attract me more. But does that mean I like boys exclusively? Oh to the contrary! Most of the people in the group of "homosexuals" just don't do anything for me. I mean hell, I've only been really, really, REALLY attracted to one person, and he just happened to be, well, a he.

Sexuality is hard, that's a fact. Sometimes labels are a nice crutch - a nice boundary to put yourself in. But the fact of the matter is that they're impeding, stupid and ridiculous.

So let me pose this: what if society didn't have a concept of sexuality in present day terms? What if we didn't label people heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual? Don't you think acceptance of ourselves would be a little bit easier?

I hope this mega-rant helps in some fashion! ; ]

Nanook's picture

I didn't really proof this, sorry!

Who ever said you had to have a label for sexuality?

After all, what is sexuality, other than a societal term used to bully people into narrow-mindedness? Sure, there's multiple sexualities - homosexuals, bisexuals, heterosexuals, OH MY! - but they're still labels. They're flimsy, not very defining and pretty shallow. And since when can't you just be a people liker? Since when does the gender of a person get to decide who you can, or can't love? Why can't we all just be "peoplesexuals"?

I mean sure, I like dudes, pretty much exclusively, but that doesn't mean I have a lack of attraction to the opposite sex, or for that matter, to people in general. I love love LOVE tall, skinny, red heads that happen to be female. And I have to say I enjoy the occasional brunette. For me, it's a matter of whether I dig their personality, and so far, the group, known as "homosexuals", seem to just attract me more. But does that mean I like boys exclusively? Oh to the contrary! Most of the people in the group of "homosexuals" just don't do anything for me. I mean hell, I've only been really, really, REALLY attracted to one person, and he just happened to be, well, a he.

Sexuality is hard, that's a fact. Sometimes labels are a nice crutch - a nice boundary to put yourself in. But the fact of the matter is that they're impeding, stupid and ridiculous.

So let me pose this: what if society didn't have a concept of sexuality in present day terms? What if we didn't label people heterosexual, bisexual or homosexual? Don't you think acceptance of ourselves would be a little bit easier?

I hope this mega-rant helps in some fashion! ; ]