Trapped in Love?

Disney's picture

So not too many hours past, I let my mom know that my gayness has reached new heights, ala boyfriending it long distance.

Silence followed, along with some veiled insults towards my lad. 'You realize he probably has someone else over there...', 'What does he do? Oh, he won't have a job for sure...' etc. etc.

However, things are looking not too bad for permission to fly fly away to see him.

The stitch here though is my boy said he'd contact me (text specifically, but whatever) since I'd be pretty nervous-made at all of this and I was, and voilà, no communication. Now, things break, people get busy, and things are delayed, but I'm a bit tiffed at having just gone out on a huge, huge limb, and informed my mom that I've got over a thousand bucks to toss away and time differences aside... ugh, wtf?

My mom also helped to undermine my normally infallible trust in this boy, since right now I'm honestly wondering wtf he was doing tonight and if it's possible he has been with someone else etc. etc. As I noted to my mom about the whole loooove deal, she let me know that being my age = multiple loves to come and even thinking that you might marry someone (which we do, but I didn't say) is normal. Obviously it being male-male is baaad, but it's just plain silly for me to want this. But I can go visit for 2 weeks to get it out of my system type of deal. Or something. Whatever.

But yeah, we'll talk soon enough I expect... it's just fucked since my mom usually doesn't dispense things as she did today WITHOUT being correct, woo life experience and mommy magic.

So yeah, I'm tickled to make sure the 'this will not last and don't expect it to' be the first thing of hers to be WRONG, but I dunno, I have just been thinking - hey, what happens if this doesn't work out? Why isn't he up for flying to see me?

Long story short, financial situations for us are different, I'm no longer swimming in enough money to alleviate all, but fine enough to visit every few months I guess, and he can't reeeally... but also sort of could? I.e. I even took a part-time job in case my parents wouldn't fund voyages (Which may be exactly the case, I'll know by the end of the weekend) but he hasn't, won't and yep, more intricacies in there, but I'm kind of annoyed atm, and it doesn't help that I don't feel the usual wave of love/adoration for him that I might usually. Does love have to be 24/7? No, and it's still in the back of my mind... but ugh.

No clue, clued out and probably just being a stupid teen that should be glad to have any semblance of love. But still, it's been over 4 months of long distance, mommy just shook my confidence, and hey, I may be going to go see him really soon for some good physicality... shouldn't I be happier?

I think I just really, really hate/am afraid of the idea of him having done something with anyone else, and wondering wtf I'm doing spending so much money on him (presents too, ala several flights' worth compiled already... and mail costs are a bitch) and if this is really worth it and WHY the hell he couldn't drop me a line *anywhere*.

Already talked about level of input with him, and he's going to try harder, but hellooooo, 'I'll text you a bit before you get home and after too!' = expectation of that. So FML. I've felt like I'm settling before and sometimes still feel that way... why am I giving so much energy and compassion and cash?

Loooooooove. Apparently. Whatever.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

Hey

I've been in a similar situation before... and frankly I didn't know what to do either. It probably means you care about him a little bit more than he does. It was something I didn't want to admit at the time, but hey I could be wrong... but after all, pouring your heart out for someone isn't all that bad. I'd say don't overthink or overanalyse, but that's never that easy. Hope he eventually realises and appreciates what a great boyfriend he has. All the best!

elph's picture

Regretfully, I Agree With Uncertain

If he fails to respond, give him some time. If he feels for whatever reason that he's incapable of sharing your affection, it is probably in your interest to just shrug your shoulders. A few tears as well... but that'd be very normal.

Disney's picture

Thanks!

Thanks to both of you, I've thought about that a few times before and it really is something I'd never want to vocalize, especially since at one point in the start of our relationship I told *him* I felt he was feeling too much for me, and presto, 3 months later it's me flipped! Or not, but I definitely seem to feel like I give more than he does?

Alas, time for a serious talk, but I'm guessing it'll go ok, or as ok as it can be long distance... and of course, having not known this would-be love of my life *THAT* long, maybe he's a more local-love boy? As in, better sharing the love in-person? And maybe I just rock it out at a distance? Hmm!

You're Amazing.