A novel, and horrible experience

swimmerguy's picture

Right now, I am in the midst of a huge and terrible breakthrough.
I just realized, in a chat with my best friend, Shelby (dracofangxxx) that I will have to tell my parents everything. How will they handle knowing that they never knew that their son was gay? That he will never grow up how they assumed? That he would never get a comfy 1 wife 2 kid family? That he will not follow the established life plan?
And it's not just them. I WANT to follow the status quo, and have that family, and that life. And yet it's impossible. It will never happen. I shall be the outsider. The deviant. The ABNORMAL one.
It's all fine now to say I'm gay. I'm not in real life here. I'm not in for anything serious. But later, I will...
How could something that (I hope) I didn't cause, make me have this much grief? Why me? What did I do? Did I do something before the 3rd grade to deserve this? That's when I realized I was, so did I just do something? Anything? D:


Uncertain's picture

Hey Chad. I seemed to have

Hey Chad. I seemed to have this sort of dilemma back in the day too, everything just seems to be very conflicting.

My scenario would be - I remember knowing I'm gay, but still wanting kids, my own kids, but I also know that's just physically imposible. Sometimes things end up being the way they are, and all we can do is accept - even if they happened for reasons we can't fully understand.

And being gay isn't bad at all. It's sort of a blessing. It's part of who you are, it makes you more aware of yourself and others and social processes, and boys are just so incredibly drooling amazingly gorgeoussss. That probably wouldn't be the case if you weren't gay :)

When you tell your parents, let them know you're sure, and let them know you're still you. They might blame themselves, but it's because they care about you. Give them time, because obviously you've given yourself time to come to terms with being gay too (or is in the process of).

Take care

Tophat's picture


This I cannot help with, because it would take me an hour to type what I want to.

I'll give you the very basics.

1. YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT. Trust me. Despite what all those morons out there say, you don't choose to be gay. Nor does an absent father and over-bearing mother cause homosexuality. It doesn't work that way. One speculation is that when the female body succeeds in "feminizing" the male fetus, they become gay. (Ask someone else about that, I'm not an expert on that theory.)

2. Uncertain, About seeing how boys are soo incredibly gorgeous, that's VERY true. Imagine not being able to appreciate Michelangelo's David, or The Dying Slave, or the Passion of Saint Sebastian... Yipes.

This is the part where I have to go into toughlove mode... Which I hate, because it doesn't work on me at all. But hopefully it'll get the point across.

3. About following the status quo: It won't happen. And wishing it will NOT make it happen, no matter what The Secret or Oprah tell you. You're gay, and that isn't changing. So there's no point in mourning the children who haven't died. Get it? Because being gay is a gift. It means that you ARE opposite of the status quo, and you're FREE because of it. You don't have to live up to having a nuclear family. You get to make the new status quo, because believe me, it's changing. And fast.

4. If your parents don't accept it at first, give them time. I don't know your situation... But I think they won't kill you for it.

"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

Lol-taire's picture

Unless you're very, very

Unless you're very, very unlucky they will get over it.

Everyone's parents- gay or straight- have to face the moment when they realise their child will not grow up the way they expected. None of us do. We just have to hope our parents have the wisdom to realise that if they did their best we grow into people they should be proud of anyway. And that we probably grow up better than they could have imagined, because we grew into our own lives.

It's like when you realise the people you fall in love with are nothing like the people you thought you should fall in love with- but that they are so much better than the people you imagined because they are complicated and they're real. And falling in love with them they reveal things in your own character you'd never noticed before. (and this isn't always good, but it's better than anything imagined)

And if your parents are halfway normal they don't really want you to have sex with anyone, man or woman. They definately don't want to have think about it.

But if your parents are halfway decent then they should realise that having fulfilling relationships with people you actualy fancy is essential to your normal, adult life (the type of normal adult life they're hoping you'll have). And that a one wife, two kids family can be a heartbreaking trap if it's the wrong wife and children you feel stuck with out of obligation.

There is no reason why- once they've got over the initial shock and they've readjusted their expectations and impressions of the 'gay community' to include you, dear son- that they won't still pressure you to have a normal life... with a few minor adjustments. You will bring your 'partner' home for dinner.

You've had a couple of years to get used to the idea that you're gay and to adjust your expectations of what that even means and what the rest of your life might be like. They might need a moment to do the same- but it doesn't mean they're rejecting you forever or that you've let them down.

Being a good son isn't being the son they imagined, it's becoming a good, kind and decent person in your own right. And to be a good parent you have to realise this.

(Also, if you want a family there's no reason these days why you can't have children. And unlike lots of straight couples, at least any children you have will be desperately wanted children, which is the best type of home to come into.)

fox333's picture

All I am going to say is

All I am going to say is that you could have a 1 wife (insert number of children here) children family. You just have to lie to them every day of their lives, do a bunch of things that I am pretty sure you would find disgusting to a woman (and not just one woman, many women untill you find one that you are willing to spend a considerable amount of time with), spend your time mindlessly drooling over your macho straight friends whom you surround yourself with to prove that you are not gay, possibly become homophobic in order to mask your true feelings, join an antigay church (if you do become homophobic), you might even meet the love of your life, have an affair and then your family will find out that you are gay and leave you (unless you marry someone understanding and supportive).

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde