for the sake of clarity I have revised and condensed my last two journal entries into a single essay

ElvenKnight's picture

A Different Animal

Once, at the age of fifteen, I nearly came out to my mother. It was mid-afternoon and I had just gotten home from an interview at the private school I would eventually transfer to for 10th-12th grade. Anyway, I just got home and was settling in. The very first thing my mother asks me is not what did I think of the school but whether I thought the admissions counselor Miss Whateverhernameis is good looking.
Maybe it's just me but I don't think parent's pay upwards of thirty grand a year in order to send their kids to a school that has an attractive admissions counselor.
It's the education stupid, but besides why would a 15 year old boy want to this sort of conversation with his mother?
" What?? Whatever....."
" Are you even straight?"
" Shut up, mom"
I went to my room. If it weren't for my mother's mishegoss, there is little doubt in my mind that I would have been ready to come out at around nineteen or twenty. My mother is the kind of person that would be just a little TOO okay with one of her sons being gay, in fact when I was younger I was under the impression that she WANTED me to be a homosexual.

“ You would never do anything more than kiss a girl right?”

I was eleven or twelve and we were in the car driving home from my yearly check-up at the pediatrician. Kiss a girl? It wasn’t something I could see myself doing anytime in the near future. It didn’t sound like something that I would be interested in doing., EVER. But still, I wasn’t even in middle school yet, why was this even an issue?
Perhaps I was just being neurotic but whenever she would gauge me like this, it came off as if she were trying to stigmatize heterosexual behavior.
I knew I liked men but during my sophomore year of college I somehow convinced myself that I liked women as well.. Truth is, the only thing that I found remotely interesting about getting intimate with a woman is that it was so radically different from anything I had ever thought about before. I was comfortable with guys but I told myself that I had to be comfortable with women too. It didn't happen.
Its not so much that I am disinterested in women, women are great ( most of the time). It's that I'm disinterested in heterosexuality. I have no interest or desire in being a rabbit.