Now, I am more stable, and no longer in a fetal position on my floor. But the bad feelings remain. SO.... I shall now attempt to organize my feelings as well as I can, and this shall be my last word on this subject.
Epiphany is an amazing thing. Although, it is not always a wonderful thing. The good epiphanies come from House episodes in which he always has those epiphanies that get the diagnosis that save the patient. The 2 I had last night were the bad ones. They were the bad epiphanies.
Last night, I realized I AM GAY, and shall be so for the rest of my life. I already knew this, but the reality just hit home yesterday, like getting beat up with a baseball bat. You're in pain at first, but then you heal and learn to stay away from crazy baseball players.
I realized that I DID have a lot to be thankful for, such as a nice and wonderful home and enviroment, and that I am very lucky to have these things.
Yet, I can't help feeling a sense of resentment for having this major part of my life decided without mine nor anyone else's consent.
I also feel guilt, as I will have to tell my parents, and they will have to deal with this, and there will be what-could-we-have-dones, and I feel guilty that I would have to be the source of this discomfort for them.
Right now, I still have a girlfriend, from the swim team. A few weeks ago, she asked me out, and I said an awkward "ya".
I know I have to end this, but I am afraid.
Afraid of having to let her know that I have always been lying to her, and do not nor cannot feel the same feelings she feels for her.
I am afraid of the loathing, which may be well deserved.
I would be loathed by the swim team.
By her friends, who have now become my friends. I have been specifically told not to break her heart.
By myself, for letting this happen and not stopping it sooner.
All of this would be compounded by the fact that this was started with a simple "ya", easily turned to "I don't think so".
And yet, I didn't change it when she asked, and I know WHY I didn't.
It's because I desperately want to be liked, and I have become deluded that I can accomplish this by giving all the things that make me happy away, leaving me with nothing, but making those close to me happy.
Now, that very fact is clashing with my own sexuality, and it is fighting a battle it cannot win. Because it is a controllable trait. My gayness, however, is not.
I cannot bear to watch my friend be tortured with love and loathing for the thing that took her love then lied to her and pushed her away. And yet, I am living a lie also, and have to end this cursed relationship, although I have not the slightest idea how.
*Note* This is the shortened version of this. I have the longer with me, and I didn't want to make an insanely long journal entry.