My organized thoughts

swimmerguy's picture

Now, I am more stable, and no longer in a fetal position on my floor. But the bad feelings remain. SO.... I shall now attempt to organize my feelings as well as I can, and this shall be my last word on this subject.

Epiphany is an amazing thing. Although, it is not always a wonderful thing. The good epiphanies come from House episodes in which he always has those epiphanies that get the diagnosis that save the patient. The 2 I had last night were the bad ones. They were the bad epiphanies.

Last night, I realized I AM GAY, and shall be so for the rest of my life. I already knew this, but the reality just hit home yesterday, like getting beat up with a baseball bat. You're in pain at first, but then you heal and learn to stay away from crazy baseball players.

I realized that I DID have a lot to be thankful for, such as a nice and wonderful home and enviroment, and that I am very lucky to have these things.

Yet, I can't help feeling a sense of resentment for having this major part of my life decided without mine nor anyone else's consent.
I also feel guilt, as I will have to tell my parents, and they will have to deal with this, and there will be what-could-we-have-dones, and I feel guilty that I would have to be the source of this discomfort for them.

Right now, I still have a girlfriend, from the swim team. A few weeks ago, she asked me out, and I said an awkward "ya".

I know I have to end this, but I am afraid.

Afraid of having to let her know that I have always been lying to her, and do not nor cannot feel the same feelings she feels for her.

I am afraid of the loathing, which may be well deserved.
I would be loathed by the swim team.
By her.
By her friends, who have now become my friends. I have been specifically told not to break her heart.
By myself, for letting this happen and not stopping it sooner.

All of this would be compounded by the fact that this was started with a simple "ya", easily turned to "I don't think so".
And yet, I didn't change it when she asked, and I know WHY I didn't.

It's because I desperately want to be liked, and I have become deluded that I can accomplish this by giving all the things that make me happy away, leaving me with nothing, but making those close to me happy.

Now, that very fact is clashing with my own sexuality, and it is fighting a battle it cannot win. Because it is a controllable trait. My gayness, however, is not.

I cannot bear to watch my friend be tortured with love and loathing for the thing that took her love then lied to her and pushed her away. And yet, I am living a lie also, and have to end this cursed relationship, although I have not the slightest idea how.

*Note* This is the shortened version of this. I have the longer with me, and I didn't want to make an insanely long journal entry.

Comments

fox333's picture

awwww *hug* I understand how

awwww *hug* I understand how it feels to want to be liked and knowing that it is an uphill battle. PM me if you ever want to talk.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde

Tophat's picture

Oh, love...

I'm here for you...

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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

elph's picture

Chad, It Would Not Have Been Insanely Long...

I remain extremely impressed with your analytical ability, and the linguistic skill employed in expressing this insight!

The only criticism I can make with regard to your analysis is that you speak as though the individual affections you share/experience today will have a disproportionate effect on your future. At your age, you would be very exceptional if you weren't constantly experimenting with techniques to survive the social milieu of teenagers!

You likely view the challenges of today as being of great consequence. And you have undoubtedly reached the (erroneous) conclusion that there is no solution that doesn't deeply wound those close to you... specifically, your parents and the girl for whom you care deeply, but are incapable of reciprocating her affection. You will find this hard to believe... but I'm confident that your fears are largely illusory. But... such fears are quite normal... for a thirteen year old! It is a measure of your maturity that you actually care for the feelings of others, and that you are concerned about your own image.

You could not have reached your current level of maturity without loving parents having played a major rôle! That love will not be abandoned over a human trait that neither you nor they could have influenced!

As for your girlfriend, I'm confident that you will find a way to keep her as a supporting friend.

I'll stop here for the same reason that you gave for stopping where you did:-)

Tophat's picture

Elph...

Have you ever thought that perhaps your objectivity and analysis is not necessarily a good thing?

I think right now what Chad needs is empathy, compassion, and sympathy, not compliments on his writing style. While I am certainly not as intelligent as you, and I am definitely not as experienced as you, I DO happen to have gone through a total meltdown recently. And I know what I felt like. Telling him his problems don't mean much isn't that comforting, if he thinks anything like me.

I could be wrong, but you may want to change your approach a little bit. You sound too much like a college professor talking to a student about his essay paper.

While your thoughts are comforting, your delivery may need to be adjusted. I am trying to be polite, am I sounding rude? I really am not trying to be, I mean it.

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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

elph's picture

Tophat...

Frankly, no! Maybe I'm missing a new trend in psychology? I've never even considered that objectivity and analysis could be detrimental.

If my comments are found to lack empathy and compassion, I indeed do need to express my feelings in less ambiguous terms. I'll work on that...

The truth is that I do empathize with swimmerguy's situation --- and I wish very much that it would be in my power to help soothe any discomfort he may be feeling: the closest I could come was to reassure him that he almost certainly has loving and very caring parents... and that with tact, his overly infatuated gf could become a knowledgeable supporter. This latter thought... may be just a fantasy; but it would be worth trying.

If this sounds too much like a college professor... I try hard to live down that tag. It's not easy:-)

Tophat's picture

Objectivity and analysis...

Are wonderful things. However, I find in comforting situations, SOUNDING objective and analytical are not good.

No, you aren't missing a new trend in psychology. Don't mock me.

Ambiguous terms should be avoided, which is what I meant.

I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm saying your word choice may have been erroneous.

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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

elph's picture

Tophat...

I can see that my tone in addressing both Chad and you could have been more considerate.

Please accept my apology for the unintentional offense!

Still friends I hope?

Tophat's picture

DOUBLE POST~

I SAID IT! AUGH! I SAID IT AGAIN!
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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

Alyska's picture

I'm happy for you.

Fox is right, it's only an uphill battle from here, and when there's a small downturn, you will always have a support group here.
*hugs*

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"When you can't walk you crawl, and when you can't do that you find someone to carry you" ~Firefly

Grace Hughen's picture

Don't worry about writing too much. :)

How is wanting to be liked and to make others happy a controllable trait? Can you turn that on and off at will? Maybe blaming yourself for wanting that is just as foolish as blaming yourself for being gay would be.
Blaming yourself for your actions is only slightly less ridiculous. Yeah, it was stupid to agree to go out with someone for any other reason than that you liked her, but you thought it was a good idea and now you know better. That's how people learn: trial and error.
You do what you feel you need to do, whatever it is. I hope you feel better.

swimmerguy's picture

Well...

I won't even bother trying to change being gay. The people who claim to do that are giant dicks. It would be much easier to change that part of my people pleasing.

If you're going through hell, keep going. ~Winston Churchill

elph's picture

Were You So Inclined...

...I haven't the foggiest as to how you would proceed (i.e., without becoming a slut).

You are loved and respected for the endowments nature has provided. No tampering required...

Lol-taire's picture

I know you're my sister's

I know you're my sister's age, but a couple of weeks really isn't long enough to have a broken heart about.

You just went out with her. You haven't promised her anything. You're not married with a shared house and a baby on the way.
You didn't do anything wrong.
She'll get over it.

Feel as ambivilent as you like about your sexuality- but don't burden yourself with useless guilt about it. If we were sensible we'd all be eunuchs and devote ourselves to clean streets and civic duties. Sex and love and heartbreak and marriage and confusion and flirting take up a lot of bloody time. But never feel guilty unless you think you've done something wrong.