...even though i haven't been writing on here a lot recently. responses, yes, and giving people advice, but i haven't vented much. but a comment i just left on tophat's entry about his bad dream made me realize that maybe i do need to post.
...anywhoo, so i basically have this major jacob complex. i actually wrote about that whole thing before, but now i'm realizing it's worse than i thought. first of all, my sitch is worse than jacob's cuz of a) the whole gender thing and b) the fact that i'm too chicken to speak up. and then on top of that, i'm turning out to be somewhat of a masochist. i saw new moon--twice. even though i knew ahead of time it was gonna kill me inside. and the second time i empathized with jacob so much i almost started crying at the end. and then i went home and i re-read eclipse. what the hell is up with me? it's like i'm dwelling in the pain of unrequited love. i don't enjoy being miserable, but for some reason i keep hurting myself.
and i'm pissed at myself that twilight has such a huge effect on me. guess it was just the wrong thing at the wrong time. or the right thing at the right time. i don't know.
but i hate what this is doing to me. i've never been one to cause myself more pain than was necessary. i've been able to make myself fall out of love with people i realized weren't going to love me back.
and the weirder thing is, i think about jacob more than i think about me. maybe, idk, maybe it's easier to analyze when it isn't so personal. but i don't know what the hell is going on. i want my sanity back. i want to stop comparing my life to a stupid character in a stupid book, and i want to either get K or get over her. ...but how many times have i said *that* before?
i'm stuck in a rut here. maybe that's the problem. most of the time, my issues have been dynamic. something happens--and i react. but right now it's just kind of...going on, same as ever. and i'm getting, almost...bored. bored with the constancy of the pain. so i'm making it new, even though it hurts more it's change at least.
i need to stop analyzing myself. i hate it when i do that. it never works. i'm just so *annoyed* with myself, with how i've been acting recently, with how i'm acting right now--i'm so...ugh...i don't know. *annoying*, i guess.
you would think i would respond to the stagnation with a positive change--that is, fessing up to her. but no. of course not. i could never admit i liked her. that would be too brave and sensible of me. *makes face at my own stupidity*
i'm ranting. rambling. i don't even know. i doubt anyone will read through this whole thing. i wouldn't. mm, no, i probably would--the whole masochism thing, ya know?