so i obviously have issues...

tenmilestilts's picture

...even though i haven't been writing on here a lot recently. responses, yes, and giving people advice, but i haven't vented much. but a comment i just left on tophat's entry about his bad dream made me realize that maybe i do need to post.

...anywhoo, so i basically have this major jacob complex. i actually wrote about that whole thing before, but now i'm realizing it's worse than i thought. first of all, my sitch is worse than jacob's cuz of a) the whole gender thing and b) the fact that i'm too chicken to speak up. and then on top of that, i'm turning out to be somewhat of a masochist. i saw new moon--twice. even though i knew ahead of time it was gonna kill me inside. and the second time i empathized with jacob so much i almost started crying at the end. and then i went home and i re-read eclipse. what the hell is up with me? it's like i'm dwelling in the pain of unrequited love. i don't enjoy being miserable, but for some reason i keep hurting myself.

and i'm pissed at myself that twilight has such a huge effect on me. guess it was just the wrong thing at the wrong time. or the right thing at the right time. i don't know.

but i hate what this is doing to me. i've never been one to cause myself more pain than was necessary. i've been able to make myself fall out of love with people i realized weren't going to love me back.

and the weirder thing is, i think about jacob more than i think about me. maybe, idk, maybe it's easier to analyze when it isn't so personal. but i don't know what the hell is going on. i want my sanity back. i want to stop comparing my life to a stupid character in a stupid book, and i want to either get K or get over her. ...but how many times have i said *that* before?

i'm stuck in a rut here. maybe that's the problem. most of the time, my issues have been dynamic. something happens--and i react. but right now it's just kind of...going on, same as ever. and i'm getting, almost...bored. bored with the constancy of the pain. so i'm making it new, even though it hurts more it's change at least.

i need to stop analyzing myself. i hate it when i do that. it never works. i'm just so *annoyed* with myself, with how i've been acting recently, with how i'm acting right now--i'm so...ugh...i don't know. *annoying*, i guess.

you would think i would respond to the stagnation with a positive change--that is, fessing up to her. but no. of course not. i could never admit i liked her. that would be too brave and sensible of me. *makes face at my own stupidity*

i'm ranting. rambling. i don't even know. i doubt anyone will read through this whole thing. i wouldn't. mm, no, i probably would--the whole masochism thing, ya know?

Comments

taste the rainbow's picture

I read the whole thing. but

I read the whole thing. but now I have to google "masochism" cuz' I don't know what it means =)

.............

haha! ok, I googled it =P

poor girl, that's a sucky situation. I've been there a couple times myself. It blows. In the end, I got over both of them. But while getting over them, instead of trying my darndest to get over them, I just went with the flow and embraced them and had fun with them as normal friends do. Cuz' in a situation like that, there's not much you can do... feeling are feelings right? all you can do is find ways to distract yourself really... and suffer through it all... guess that makes me a masochist as well then eh?! lol

that is of course unless you told her your true feelings!! but you know this already.. a) she accepts it and everything is rainbows and lollipops, or b) she rejects you, and perhaps that would be the initial push you would need in getting over her...

but, alas, easier said than done right?

good luck with everything! and don't hesitate in venting more often than less! it helps ya?!

tenmilestilts's picture

yay, thanks for reading!

mm, i think we're all masochists in some way or another. *wry smile*

but the whole "normal friends" thing is my main strategy...it works most of the time.

example when it kinda doesn't: just now i was chatting her on FB and she said "oh i put up a profile pic finally" so i went and looked. it was a pic of her winding up for a goal kick (she's a soccer goalie) and whew, she's amazing when she's playing. i said "nice pic. very...intimidating." i wanted to say "sexy", haha.

always easier said than done. always.
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

taste the rainbow's picture

oh gawd, she's a soccer

oh gawd, she's a soccer girl.... I'd be head over heels too. Sexy indeed!

tenmilestilts's picture

yeah...sigh. she's amazing.

yeah...sigh. she's amazing. i <3 her. i'm...feeling oddly, um, tra-la-la-y, right now. *shakes head to clear it*...i'm going to bed.
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

jeff's picture

hehe...

I thought you meant you were a masochist for seeing it twice because it was such a bad movie.

Well, as much as I don't follow Twilight (aside from hoping Taylor Lautner is accidentally photographed naked on February 12, 2010), my understanding is that Jacob doesn't get the girl, so yeah, might want to flip that script.

Of course, I don't think you can cause any major change in this girl by telling her. She most likely already knows how she would react to your proposal. Think how you would react if three random girls you know came up to you and expressed interest. Would you really have to search deep within yourself to know if you'd be interested? Probably not. You could just plug them into some equation in a millisecond and think 'Yes, I'd pursue this' for whatever reasons, or 'No, I wouldn't.'

So, the same applies to this girl. She already know whether or not she would date you. You just don't know the answer she already does.

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"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

tenmilestilts's picture

well, that too, but a friend

well, that too, but a friend of mine was going to see it with her sister and mom and dad and she wanted someone along to ease the pain. lol

well, the thing is, she doesn't know i like her. so she doesn't know her answer, really. and i'm afraid if she *doesn't* like me, as is most likely, it will make our friendship awkward. we're really close friends and all. maybe just me being paranoid, but...i'd rather the current (albeit somewhat awkward) situation than lose her as a friend.
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

TotalGeek42's picture

*hugs* Just tell her! I

*hugs*

Just tell her! I know it's easier said than done, but I managed it! You totally can too. Maybe decide that you're gonna tell her on christmas/hannukah/holiday of your choice.. haveing a set date actually does help. >>

But do it. ^^

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

"Dreaming that someone unknown has died means that either you've been watching too much CSI..." - 5thstory

tenmilestilts's picture

that's what i did the first

that's what i did the first time--i set my birthday as the date, and she got asked out not two weeks before that. i'm afraid if i set another date someone else will ask her out. totally irrational, i know. but still...

you're right, though. i should just tell her. i want to.
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

lamb_da's picture

oi...

the thing with hurting one's self emotionally? i did that...
idk why either...it confuses me...maybe?
you just want to feel something to remind you that
it's still there? or...gah....no se....
and the thing with jacob/analyzing...
yeah...finding someone you can relate to
and just wanting to figure them out so you can
figure yourself out?

Hi, I'm a reading Rainbow! :)

tenmilestilts's picture

yeah...it majorly sucks cuz

yeah...it majorly sucks cuz i can't get off of it.

and you totally stole my tagline there hun! but that's okay. ^^
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!