The Gay Agenda according to Clinton Fein.

Tophat's picture

The Gay Agenda

by CLINTON FEIN

INTRODUCTION
How many of you haven’t heard of the “Gay Agenda” or “Radical Homosexual Agenda”?

Although many claim there isn't one, here it is, the new, improved radical, homosexual agenda for 2005 [Interjection by Tophat: The 2009/2010 model will be released at this year's Gay Conference of Doom]. A roadmap, if you will, towards destroying nuclear families, and reshaping society to the point that if your son isn’t blowing his professor, don’t expect any graduation ceremonies.

For all the fear-mongering pigs that use religion to marginalize, humiliate, electrocute and murder others, may this new Gay Agenda permeate your worst nightmares. Yes, Focus on the Family, Traditional Values Coalition, Concerned Women for America, American Family Association, Family Research Council, Eagle Forum, Alliance Defense Fund, Chrisitian Coaltion, Morality in the Media and all you other assholes, this means you.

THE GAY AGENDA

Gay men and lesbians should marry one another, and extol each other every tangible and intangible benefit the institution provides. They cannot stop gay marriage as long as gays are marrying. If you are gay and single without a desire to marry, marry a homosexual of the opposite sex anyway, and donate any marriage credits the government may offer to any gay organization seeking to destroy heterosexual norms.
Once benefits are secured, divorce. Wreck the sanctity of the institution by driving up the divorce rates from the current 52% to at least 80%.
Remember 52% of marriages end in divorce, the remaining 48% in death. There's nothing sanctimonious about that. Demand the institution and then wreck it. James Dobson was right about our evil intentions. We just plan to be quicker than he thought.
Get a gun and learn how to shoot. It's as much about arming bears as it is bearing arms. If you think you're protected by the Constitution, think again. If they don't allow you to marry, the next amendment will be to deny gays guns.
Reclaim Jesus. He was a Jewish queer to begin with, and don't let anyone forget it.
BAN DIVORCE. If the institution is so in need of protection, seek a constitutional amendment to ban divorce. One marriage, once.
Normalize - Thwart fashion and style sense inclinations so that homophobes cannot separate you from straights. Gay vague my ass. Make it gay impossible to tell.
Hate Crime laws are just the beginning. Once those are passed either federally or in all 50 states, begin campaign to eliminate homophobia entirely.
Like "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," thoughts or words equal conduct. Homophobic inclinations alone, even without any actions, should be criminal and punishable to the full extent of the law.
Penetrate the sperm banks to perpetuate the gene. Although the nature vs. nurture debate rages on, ensure that as many vials of semen contain gay genes.
Lie about your sexual orientation when giving blood. Screening of blood is either effective or not. If a celibate gay's blood is more dangerous than that of sexually promiscuous heterosexual, the problem is in the screening process, not the orientation of the donor. Faggot blood is God's blood.
Alternatively, set up blood banks for gay blood only. For us fags by us fags (FUFBUF).
Become surrogate mothers or males donate sperm to lesbian couples. If children of gays are to be put up for adoption, stipulate that heterosexuals are unfit for parenting such children, no matter how sad or desperate they may be.
If you are HIV positive, engage in unprotected sex with pedophile priests and pastors. We have enough recruits from Christian schools and the military without us having to house perverts cloaked in religion. There's the Catholic Church for that.
Tithe. Make sure that gay representation permeates every level of governance.
Sneak gay subtext into every book, movie, video game, TV show or other media that you have access to. Nothing like subliminal messaging to equate queerness with Godliness. (Don't forget, they catch the obvious ones like Spongebob and Tinky Winky, but they'll miss Bart or Freddie from Grand Theft Auto because they're too well hidden. Don't worry, their badly parented, unsupervised kids will know it when they see it).
Republicans, Democrats, Libertarians etc. are fundamentally the same. Don't pledge allegiance to any one party. Make all parties grovel for your vote, not take it for granted.
Ensure that you preserve DNA samples to be used for cloning purposes if necessary.
Join the military and rise in the ranks (as has always been the case). When enough gay servicemembers come out en masse it will force the military to drop their outdated policy, and admit that probably 25% or more only happen to shoot straight.
Ensconce yourself in virulently homophobic organizations like the Boy Scouts and Southern Baptists or Concerned Women for America. The more indispensable homos they have in their fold, the more hypocritical their ultimate exposure. And any bad behavior can simply be blamed on their organizations.
If you're a sick pedophile, join the Catholic Church. They'll be good to you and shelter you like they always have.
Recruit straight men and women. We're accused of it anyway, so we may as well give the accusation legs. And remember, when push comes to shove, a six-pack or a joint goes a long way.
If you're male, give Concerned Women for America a raison d'être by fucking their husbands, sons and fathers. And of course, you dykes will know exactly what to do with their daughters. At least those that aren't already teaching us in our beds.
Bombard the Federal Communications Commission any time anything remotely offensive to gay people appears on the airwaves. Homophobia is indecent, and our children must be sheltered from it. They want to regulate decency. Let's keep them really, really busy.
Create facilities that recondition homophobic deviancy. Certain religious groups have attempted to "straighten" gay children. If their assertions are correct, children exercising homophobic tendencies can be corrected using electro-therapy.
Turn eradicating homophobia and encouraging the gay lifestyle from a cottage industry into a multi-billion dollar cash cow.
Turn "Heather has a Mommy and a Daddy. Don't Blame it on Her" into a best seller.
Most gay children are born of heterosexual parents. If they want to eradicate homosexuality, vasectomies and hysterectomies are fabulously effective. Safer than condoms and abstinence!
Some are still attempting to define homosexuality as a disease. Let them move forward. Once passed in any region -- local, state or federal -- take full advantage of employment protection legislation and related compliance including Medicaid and workers compensation. They can call us names but it's going to cost them. Big.
Until marriage is equal, heterosexuals should be forbidden from wearing wedding rings in public. The blatant flaunting of their sexuality is inappropriate, and we don't need our children conjuring up penises and vaginas every time they spot a wedding ring. Gay marriage would neutralize that consequence.
Heterosexual public displays of affection can be confusing for gay kids. There should be no hugging or physical touch between heterosexuals in public places. Brief handshakes or a brief affirmative hand on a shoulder is okay.
Any literature or educational material in any school or public library should display warnings if they contain heterosexual content.
The Tinky Defense - San Francisco Supervisor, Dan White, blamed Twinkies for murdering gay Supervisor, Harvey Milk and Mayor, George Moscone. It worked. If you happen to kill a heterosexual, simply blame Jerry Falwell's Tinky Winky obsession as the reason. You were purple with rage.
Any homophobic persons, even former homophobes that have been rehabilitated, should be required to register using the same model as child molesters. There should be strict limitations pertaining to their proximity to any gay bars, clubs, gyms or institutions that are predominantly gay. Parents of gay children need to be aware of the dangers such individuals present, and should be aware of their presence in their neighborhoods.
If accused of having a Gay Agenda, point to this page and respond, "it's not an agenda, it's the Gospel."
CONTEXT

So-called Christians, who would sooner stone Jesus to death than take heed of his caution, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” use it as a scare tactic, and more importantly as a fundraising tool. The Orthodox Jews who would have been happy to let certain wings of German concentration camps housing victims sporting pink triangles continue gassing. Muslim extremists who stone homosexuals to death like they do their raped daughters, calling it “honor killing.”

A fusion of psycho-babble and political correctness on both sides has introduced terms like heternormalism, homodeviancy, and a slew of other ridiculous terms tossed about in frantic fundraising letters. Homosexuals are penetrating schools and the military and seek nothing less than the destruction of your family and rape of your children if one was to believe Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Lou Sheldon, Jerry Falwell, Donald Wildmon, Phyllis Schlafly, Beverly LaHaye, and the ever expanding pool of shrieking, self-appointed moral guardians.

If gay bashing, teen suicide and genuine attempts by politicians and Presidents to actually amend America’s constitution to explicitly deny rights to homosexuals weren’t clear and present dangers, the notion of a “gay agenda” would be laughable. How strong can a marriage be – a supposedly sanctified institution – if two members of the same sex marrying will destroy it? How learned can a behavior be, if despite your best parenting efforts to instill heterosexuality onto your children, they can be so easily evangelized by radical homosexuals.

Many gay people who simply want the right to serve their country, marry or work without fear of discrimination for being open about who they are have no agenda beyond that. A blogger calling himself angry biscuit sums it up this way: Homosexual Agenda: 1. Quality time w/family 2. Be treated equally 3. Buy milk

Despite the tongue-in-cheek nature of this piece, it can, and likely will, be taken out of context, and used destructively by bigots and homophobes with ill intentions. From the other side, I'll be criticized for irresponsibly kindling the already raging fires by providing fresh fodder. I've already battled it out on the radio with Robert Peters from Morality in the Media, who appeared to have a peculiar fixation on the penis. (Hopefully not mine), and Concerned Women for America called me an obscene pornographer or something to that effect in one of their polemic press releases. So let me give them what they really want to hear. As if James Dobson needs anything more – in his book Marriage Under Fire, he posits the theory that homosexuals don’t really want to get married, but in fact are plotting a 60 year conspiracy to destroy the family. Fucking idiot. It’s a ten year plan!

Comments

l.enigma_ambulante's picture

AMEN. wow. That was...

AMEN.

wow.

That was... uhm.....

.......

[[Love means you can never be apart... <3]]

Tophat's picture

Fucking awesome?

Yup, by 2015 the marriage will be down the shitshute. Stupid conservatives, thinking it'll take 60 years.

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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

fox333's picture

OOOOH very good I like it.

OOOOH very good I like it.

stardust's picture

WHOA...

WHOA...that was...wow. I like it. I think it clearly portrays the idiocy and irrationality of homophobia. And just...WHOA.

swimmerguy's picture

That...was...AWESUMNESS!!!!!!!!!!!

*Clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap clap* HOORAY!

"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority." Margaret Chase Smith

kuu2's picture

wow.

wow, im all for this. i love it. This gave me a little chuckle cuz lately i have been looking up on gay issues. so i can start defending myself instead of turning the other way.
Can i use this sometime to point out the stupidity of homophobia in like a class debate??

Life is easily complicated.

Tophat's picture

Sure.

However, you'll need to cite the source as Clinton Fein on Annoy.com, because I didn't write it.

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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

Tophat's picture

One of my favorites.

"Create facilities that recondition homophobic deviancy. Certain religious groups have attempted to "straighten" gay children. If their assertions are correct, children exercising homophobic tendencies can be corrected using electro-therapy."
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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

ShowMeLove's picture

That was great, thanks for sharing :)

I love the bit about wrecking marriage and luring the daughters of the Concerned Women for America ;) haha.

holahaveamuffin18's picture

okay, now... where's the

okay, now... where's the 09-10 Agenda...?
& when's the Gay Conference of Doom??!
:P
thanks for posting this. i've been in a shitty mood all day and this made me laugh my ass off at some points.

Tophat's picture

The GCD...

Its location cannot be published, nor its date.

I am breaking a few rules by even mentioning it.

Ask your local gay center. But first say,

"The feathers float quietly through the Sky", they should reply, "But the Bird is Naked."

Then you ask. Otherwise you'll get nowhere.

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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

holahaveamuffin18's picture

hahah. awrigghtt. you know i

hahah.
awrigghtt.
you know i might actually go and do this?

Tophat's picture

Well...

It's true. Why wouldn't it be?

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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

Alyska's picture

Have I ever told you...

How much I love you?
Seriously you just made my day!

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"When you can't walk you crawl, and when you can't do that you find someone to carry you" ~Firefly

Tophat's picture

I really appreciate that.

Thanks.

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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan

fox333's picture

NOOOOOO! DON'T USE THE

NOOOOOO! DON'T USE THE PASSWORD IN THE KANSAS CENTER! IT HAS BEEN INFILTRATED BY STRAIGHTIES!
I REPEAT THE KANSAS CENTER HAS BEEN INFILTRATED!

Tophat's picture

AAOOGA! AAOOGA!

STRAIGHT ALERT!

Call in the Cenobites!

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"What is life but a constant search for pleasure? I think that the feeling of a young man's tongue inside your mouth is the greatest pleasure of all."
-The Baron Van Oestregan