Times They Are Changin'

bentgurl03's picture

Sooo...hmmm, I haven't written in years. I'm 22 now- about to be 23 on Saturday. I went for years without logging on but now I'm really starting to find myself, I hope.

It's strange to read my old blog entries because it's as if I'm a totally different person. It's tempting to delete them because I sound quite superficial and unreal, but I hope that's just me growing up and into the world.

As an update, I went to Arkansas for a year and got tangled up in a relationship with a professor. The Athletic Department found out and my coach didn't treat me the same. She had to move away to get another job. And then I didn't do well in my major of Psychology. I spent the summer off and on living in Virginia with her and went back to school in Georgia. The relationship was on the surface perfect...or maybe just perfect in the whims of love and bliss. Ha, so she got all jealous after meeting one of my friends when she came down to visit one dtime and I broke up with her because I told her that I couldn't handle her bullshit...I probably could have handled it more if I actually tried.

So, after her I dated my ex from high school...like ten more times. We have this amazing initial attraction and then we start seeing the real sides of each other that actually are who we are. You gotta love the fronts you put on when you first date someone :) Then there were a few one night stands...some accidental, some not. Then the high school ex, Jai, cheated on me "accidentally" by telling me on Valentine's Day two years ago that she wanted to date another ex. And then we ended up together again and then I met the girl of my dreams, Kohl. She was perfect in everyway...or so I thought. I committed my life to her--i NEVER do that. Needless to say, she was a soldier which led to heartbreak. She left me for a 40 year old roller derby girl...ha. And I thought I was invincible. So back to Jai and we actually stayed together for a record breaking year with some minor flirtations of other girls in between. And we broke up in August right before I went to Orientation for my new job. I'm an "agent of change" for the government...officially. I'm a volunteer for America.

Other than that, I found a love in a school subject: Sociology. I majored in that with a concentration in Social Stratification. Basically the theory that society is stratified (divided) into subgroups of inequality. I minored in Women's Studies---how stereotypically queer, i know. I just finished school up in May and since then I've really had to search for my soul. I thought I didn't have a conscience...yeah, I couldn't have been more wrong.

After dissing bi girls since I came out, I started going on dates with a boy. He was an asshole and I ended that without even a good-bye kiss. Then I set my sights on a high school love before my first girlfriend, let's call him Ro. I put it out there when we were wasted one night...I set it all on the line.

---And then I got my first lesson in LoveKarma. Ha. Here's an interpretation of the conversation from my now sober viewpoint.

Me: "I love you."
Ro:"Stop it. No you don't."
Me: "I do. You're amazing!"
Ro: "Just stop. I'm an average guy."
Me:"What will this mean?"
Ro: "This means nothing. We're just going to do it. You broke my heart. It was your decision."

Ugh. A re-hashing of my immature, spoiled first romance break-up from over five years ago. Damn. And if you're wondering...then yeah, I did it with him. And it sucked...My first time...And it blew. Wow, surprise, right?

So this is where I'm left now...searching. Searching for a meaningful chance of romance. I'm trying this new "stay single"-ness. I don't like it. I'm having to confront myself and who I am. I was so confident and sure of myself four years ago, and now my adolescent questioning comes in my early twenties...ugh. Emptiness sucks. Karma's a bitch, for real, and here I am still wondering...How the fuck am I?


fox333's picture

Hi :D I am so clever that

Hi :D

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde