being gay sucks...warning, this will be a long-ish rant.

hellonwheels's picture

So, as of lately, I find myself back in the same hole as i was two years ago.

I want sooo badly, more than anything else, to be straight. only problem is, i am gay.

I dont advertise this to the world however, and see myself as jsut a normal average, everyday kinda guy.

this however, presents many problems. People expect straight guys to have girlfriends @ some point.

So lately, ive actually had two girls tell me they really like me, and i kinda like them, personality wise, but there's nothing there sexually.

I look @ these girls, know they are good looking and attractive, yet nothign happens. I want to be with them if i could, but i cant.

they are both really trying to get w. me and dragging it out, and that makes it all worse. they both know a ton of people i do, and i cant come out to them because of that, so what do i do there?

I think i broke one of the girl's hearts the other night- she had developed an unhealthy crush on me when going through some relationship stuff w/ a mutual friend, and she found herself really falling for me (her words on facebook, btw)

so anyway, this one girl really likes me, and the other girl i met @ a club. she called me back and we hung out a few times, only to discover she is a kid i went to school with's younger sister.

awkward.
to say the least.

so here i am, two girls going crazy for me and i find myself wanting to be with them. but theres no sexual attraction there.

is that fucked up? has anyone else on here experienced something similar?

i want so badly to be straight, that i find myself wanting to live that lifestyle, adn hook up w/ these girls..,

but @ the same time, i cant accept the fact that i am gay.

I was talking to my friend m about this last night, and she thinks i will eventually grow to accept it, but i dont think that i will.

i have so much internalized homophobia that i can't get over its ridiculous.

i mean, i don't have to fear for my life anymore if i did come out, as my dad wouldnt even understand what being gay is anymore, but @ the same time, by coming out, i would still be avoided by certain members of my family, many of whom are conservatives like me.

it's likke i cant win. I cant have what i want outta life and be straight and have kids and a wife, and i cant come out to family and friends because for the most part, they are all conservatives like myself.

dont get me wrong, i try to be lieberal about somethings, i really do, but in our country, it seems like often we go one way or the other.

for example, i am an avid outdoorsman, i hunt, fish, ski and all sorts of other sports, but i am a firm believer in our 2nd amendment rights and other things guaranteed by the constitution of this great nation, yet at the same time, many of the people who vote conservatively are anti-gay rights and against homosexuality.

i guess im kinda locked in a no-mans land of sorts, and i cant go one way or the other. I want to be straight, but i cant, and i cant change that i am gay, but i cant convince myself to accept it either.

for soo long i was taught it was wrong, and that is what i came to believe. hell, i'd probably be out there preaching hate against it had i known that it is not a choice.

my dad and his family i dont really talk to anymore anyway, so im not concerned about them, but i still have many conservatives on my moms side who i care about, but whom would never accept me as a gay man, so its kinda a tough situation.

idk, should i try to hook up w/ these girls and see what happens? do i risk being outed when they want to have sex?

or do i come out and try to live my life? i know i have a long way to go before that ever happens, and especially in my work life, coming out wouls be hard if not impossible as most of the people i work with are conservatives as well.

guess im stuck between a rock and a hard place. fuck. my. life. lol.

on the plus side, i turn 21 in a little over a week.
at the same time, that could be a bad thing too. i drink a few too many lately.

anybody i used to talk to on here other than max these days? lol.

Comments

Tophat's picture

Well...

I can at least say welcome back, my dear. I missed you. (Wantsout)

Other than that...

It is true that liberty is precious; so precious that it must be carefully rationed.
-Vladimir Ilyich Lenin

hellonwheels's picture

thanks dude...

how are you doing? i remember you had some hard stuff going on last time i talked to ya.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

fox333's picture

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to do except give you *HUGS*

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde

jeff's picture

Well...

You already know the only answer is coming out.

I'd argue that you already have lost the people you're concerned would leave you if they knew, because there are already barriers between you. You can't be close to them, confide in them, and they know only superficial things about your life. So, it's not like all is normal and great except this one little secret that doesn't matter.

As for conservatives, again, there are gay conservatives, and gay hunters, and gay everything else. You know why you don't hear about them? Because many of them make the same choices as you. TRUE conservatives could care fuckall about someone being gay. Now, religious wackjob strains, sure they're more of a problem.

But it all comes down to how willing you want to go to let other people live their lives unscathed by your penchant for cock while you never even get to start living yours.

21? You should be sending me naked pics, not asking for coming out advice. ;-)

---
"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

ferrets's picture

hmmmm

i wouldnt try getting with them, cause that will just end up hurting everyone in the end...

experince the awe and mystery that reaches from the deepest inner mind to the outer limits!

hellonwheels's picture

that was my thinking too...

but then a friend suggested to hook up and try to find out, but i feel like we'd both get hurt in the end, so thats a bad idea too.

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

PremiumBlendBen's picture

You are not alone in this

as many gay guys go through an identity crisis when they finally realize they are not straight. This is actually something I'll be writing about soon in my journal (Tophat get ready!!!).

You also give me a vibe that since you are involved in a number of activities that are clearly NOT going to be approved of by the gay community that you may feel some pressure to conform to a different culture or lifestyle than the one you have now.

I think you should just keep being yourself, do what you want and after a while you'll find your niche in things. When I was active in the gay community the one recurring comment was "You're so STRAIGHT!", not meant in a complimentary way.

This is coming from a beer drinking fellow metalhead!!!

Ben

Coming out of the closet is like stepping into another closet, except that you don't realize it!

hellonwheels's picture

haha

thanks dude...yeah, i suppose i am kind of the anti- gay community. i actually hate that term, and groups like PFLAG. i think in the longrun, all it does it promote stereotypes and things i would consider wrong, like trannies, drag queens, etc. I dont identify as a member of the queer community, and i doubt i ever will. i guess im not the most open minded. lol.

yeah, if i were to step into a room full of stereotypical gays and or queens, that's totally the reaction i would get. haha

Mental wounds not healing, driving me insane, i'm goin' off the rails on a crazy train- the ozzman

vicarious2112's picture

like a mirror

Wow, you sound so much like me it's eerie. I'm a hunter too, I like guns too, and I struggled with my orientation too. I guess what got me through it was knowing I wasn't alone, I wasn't the only one struggling or seeing inspiring people who had struggled and had the will overcome. I also realized that I had to either accept myself for who I was or I would just continue down this spiral(which would lead to an accident by design). I figured out that being gay doesn't change who you already are, it's just another piece of what makes you, you.