So, as of lately, I find myself back in the same hole as i was two years ago.
I want sooo badly, more than anything else, to be straight. only problem is, i am gay.
I dont advertise this to the world however, and see myself as jsut a normal average, everyday kinda guy.
this however, presents many problems. People expect straight guys to have girlfriends @ some point.
So lately, ive actually had two girls tell me they really like me, and i kinda like them, personality wise, but there's nothing there sexually.
I look @ these girls, know they are good looking and attractive, yet nothign happens. I want to be with them if i could, but i cant.
they are both really trying to get w. me and dragging it out, and that makes it all worse. they both know a ton of people i do, and i cant come out to them because of that, so what do i do there?
I think i broke one of the girl's hearts the other night- she had developed an unhealthy crush on me when going through some relationship stuff w/ a mutual friend, and she found herself really falling for me (her words on facebook, btw)
so anyway, this one girl really likes me, and the other girl i met @ a club. she called me back and we hung out a few times, only to discover she is a kid i went to school with's younger sister.
to say the least.
so here i am, two girls going crazy for me and i find myself wanting to be with them. but theres no sexual attraction there.
is that fucked up? has anyone else on here experienced something similar?
i want so badly to be straight, that i find myself wanting to live that lifestyle, adn hook up w/ these girls..,
but @ the same time, i cant accept the fact that i am gay.
I was talking to my friend m about this last night, and she thinks i will eventually grow to accept it, but i dont think that i will.
i have so much internalized homophobia that i can't get over its ridiculous.
i mean, i don't have to fear for my life anymore if i did come out, as my dad wouldnt even understand what being gay is anymore, but @ the same time, by coming out, i would still be avoided by certain members of my family, many of whom are conservatives like me.
it's likke i cant win. I cant have what i want outta life and be straight and have kids and a wife, and i cant come out to family and friends because for the most part, they are all conservatives like myself.
dont get me wrong, i try to be lieberal about somethings, i really do, but in our country, it seems like often we go one way or the other.
for example, i am an avid outdoorsman, i hunt, fish, ski and all sorts of other sports, but i am a firm believer in our 2nd amendment rights and other things guaranteed by the constitution of this great nation, yet at the same time, many of the people who vote conservatively are anti-gay rights and against homosexuality.
i guess im kinda locked in a no-mans land of sorts, and i cant go one way or the other. I want to be straight, but i cant, and i cant change that i am gay, but i cant convince myself to accept it either.
for soo long i was taught it was wrong, and that is what i came to believe. hell, i'd probably be out there preaching hate against it had i known that it is not a choice.
my dad and his family i dont really talk to anymore anyway, so im not concerned about them, but i still have many conservatives on my moms side who i care about, but whom would never accept me as a gay man, so its kinda a tough situation.
idk, should i try to hook up w/ these girls and see what happens? do i risk being outed when they want to have sex?
or do i come out and try to live my life? i know i have a long way to go before that ever happens, and especially in my work life, coming out wouls be hard if not impossible as most of the people i work with are conservatives as well.
guess im stuck between a rock and a hard place. fuck. my. life. lol.
on the plus side, i turn 21 in a little over a week.
at the same time, that could be a bad thing too. i drink a few too many lately.
anybody i used to talk to on here other than max these days? lol.