coming out to her parents

emimily's picture

hi there
I'm here because my girlfriend and I have a fairly big decision to make. I'm in highschool and have pretty much been out in my school environment (as bi, although I lean more towards gay in private settings) for a year now. My parents are also aware of this and my girlfriend and are fairly supportive.
However, my girlfriend is in a bit of a different situation. She's younger than me, and she is only really out to her close friends, so very few people at school. She isn't out to her mom, and isn't sure her mom will be as accepting as my parents were.
On one hand, we think that it's time we stopped lying to her mom about the real nature of our relationship. We also think it might become easier to be a little more out at school if her mom knows. This is something we occasionally butt heads about (me being more out than her) and I think it would be much more beneficial for us as a couple to be out to her mom and not have to have conflict over this issue anymore.
On the other hand, it is quite probable her mom could make our relationship a lot more difficult if she finds out. She has 'boyfriend rules' that we have already broken...and I'm a little worried she will direct a lot of her shock and anger at me.
I was wondering what anyone's thoughts were on this situation. Does she come out to her mom and say I'm her girlfriend? Just come out? Or do nothing at all.
I am not really sure where to go from here.

jeff's picture

Sounds like...

Coming out is the main bit. The relationship part isn't as big a concern, since it is connected to how her mom reacts to the gay news. If the gay stuff goes down OK, and she likes you, she might be happy her daughter is already happy. If it doesn't go well, then what did you do to make her daughter think she's gay...

So, either way, the coming out is the main bit here.

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

elph's picture


My gut tells me that maintaining a good all around relationship IS the main objective!!!

Why is there the assumption that she did anything (untoward implied?) to make her gf think she's gay?

jeff's picture


Given your reply, I'm guessing you read my bit incorrectly.

The relationship not being the important bit is just saying if your mom doesn't know you're gay, then telling her you're in a gay relationship isn't step one (aka unimportant), but that you're gay is.

Same thing when people want to tell their straight crush they're gay AND in love with them. Two steps. Not the same time. The sexuality is always the initial standalone bit. Then, ladle on whatever else later, or not, depending how the coming out goes.

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

carmen143's picture

I can't believe what I'm saying but...

I agree with Jeff. :P

Have your girlfriend come out first.

If her mom reacts well to that then a little later on you can tell her about the relationship.

<3 FLAME ON! <3

tenmilestilts's picture

i agree --- Two wrongs don't

i agree
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

WHY_FIGHT's picture

i think

well i think that she should take it slow for a while, dropping subtle hints, and acting gay around her mom, such as saying the female actress on the tv is hot or something of that nature, you start coming around more often.. pretty soon her mom will get suspicious. thats when she should sit her mom down and have coffee or breakfast with her and tell her slowly.. your relationship should have nothing to do with this because a woman can only handle so much about her teenage daughters sex life.. after that take it as slow as possiable, after all she could possiably end your relationship!

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

jeff's picture


That's subtle? ;-)

"People who are happy are slugs... They do not move the human race forward."
-- Camille Paglia, on Oasis

oldfoxbob's picture


You stated that "you"are in High school and that she is younger! How much younger? Is she in High school also? or still in secondary or Jr High? Jeff made a good suggestion to you and If I can add to it, I would say this.
Hinting around the subject is a good way to find out how the mother and father feel about GLBT people in general. Leave a book laying on the table on the subject. Contact the local PFLAG group and get support there. Be prepared for the worse as it can back fire. Plan where she will stay should she be thrown out in the worst case scenario. Such as a Aunt or Cousin or friend or even your place. Talk to your parents first before any talk with her parents as they too could help buffer things for them. Good luck in any case. OFB

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.

Moon1028's picture

I agree with what Jeff said

I agree with what Jeff said earlier. Coming out is the main concern, and if she's not sure how her mother might react, she might want to take it one step at a time. Firstly, she should tell her mother that she is gay. If her mother reacts to the news well, then maybe she should tell her mom about her relationship with you. If her mother doesn't react well to the fact that she's gay, then she might want to wait to tell her about your relationship.