I know what it feels like to die...! (Copied from Deviantart, so sorry if there is mistakes!)

Dracofangxxx's picture

But we'll get back to that at the end

LONG POST AHEAD
I MEAN FREAKING LONG.

feel free to "skim"
or... not read at all. most people do that.

FIRST OFF. Tomorrow's my birthday. YAY

ohkay. So. for Christmas I got alot of awesome things. I'll list off mah favorites.

I got:

A calendar full of dragon pictures
Spore expansion pack for mah creative needs
Two books to help me draw people better (specifically hands and feet D
This FUCKING AWESOME LAMP (sorry for swearing, but I am very excited) with dragons on the glass panes. It's awesome, really. Thank you mommeh! :3
Two Sonata Artica albums. I'z a happy girl.
MY SWEET BLACK XBOX 360 ELITE >:3 anddddddd to go with it, Gears of War 2 and Borderlands. Awesome. Plus Ray let me borrow Assassin's Creed, and after I beat it he'll let me play the second one. So yes. I swear, if I had a doller for every time Tai took my torque bow though... I'd be friggin' rich. That bastard...
ANYWHOOO...

So yes, I'm very happy.

Then after Christmas, I went to my sister's house, which was fun. Little Nevi was being hyper and attacking everything, she bit my finger and it started bleedin'. and she attacks my face. sigh. little kitty kitty... >_<

And I was helping my sister make food, and I was cutting up an avacado... And to get the seed out, you're supposed to hit it with the knife. Well. Apparently my sister's house is "the land of the freakin' sharp knives" because it went through the whole pit. And it fell on the floor. So I picked it up, and threw it in the garbage, because my sister was getting mad at me.
Thaaaaaaat's when I looked at my hand... And my thumb was bleeding. HELLA bad. So I was like "fuck she's gonna be mad at me" so I started washing it in the sink, and that's when I noticed how deep it was. It went into my thumb probably a clear half of a centimeter... Which is the deepest I've ever been cut. Ouch. I started to think "oooh that's stinging a bit" when my vision fogged and my head spun and I kind of...

Fainted. Wow.

I woke up on the kitchen floor to my sister calling me a dork. I had no idea how I got on the floor, or how the towel around my thumb got there. But I remember it hurt. A little. Less than I expected! So yes, I'm positive that inky blackness of foggitude is probably how death feels. Whoo. I'm ready to die...! XD

So yeah. That's pretty much my excitement. Now for my personal thoughts... That I need to get out anyways. (Feel free to just forget this part if you want)

I realized that the past is the past, and no matter what we do, we can't change it. It's just unfortunate that my present sucks, so I gotta let the present become my past and try to make the future become an aweseome present. Get it? But that's hard. You see, I have... no more friends. Or rather, I don't have any more CLOSE friends besides Katy and Hannah. I wonder why bad things happen to me, and I realize, it's because I am very weak. I need to become stronger; smarter; faster... better... And therefore pain in necessary. I feel like Neitsche. Or however you spell it. Therefore, I believe that God (I'm not extremely religious; or really religious at all. I just believe in A God, not THE God.) made my life very confusing in order to make me... better.

I believe that God is within everything, everyone, and fate. I believe in fate very strongly. But... rather... Fate is how life plays out. What happens WILL happen, but just the very important parts of life. Whether or not you eat something in a day isn't fate. It's life, but not fate. Falling in love and having your heart broken? Fate. Losing your father because of (for the awkwardness) advanced testicular cancer that spread through his body? Fate. If it impacts you, and teaches you, and moves you? It's fate.

I... live a tough life. It's easy, but tough. I have alot of big emotional decisions I have to make every day. I know to you people I probably seem... dramatic. But my mind has a hard time making decisions, prioritizing, and most of all, staying sane. I'm incredibly bipolar, and I'm going to accept it now. I have... A very sad, but peaceful, side of me just wants everyone to be happy and will stop at nothing to have that. That's usually me. The sad side can be very, very, happy but only when nothing's wrong... I have the normal side, which is kind of my happy face for everyone. I then have my angry side. It's violent, and angry, and selfish, and stubborn. I've been a little more angry lately then I should be.

Really? First period is like a battle of my sides. Every school day I constantly have to stay on the sad side, because I don't want to hurt anyone... Or yell... I feel sick to my stomach having to be around Jonah and (we'll call her C for privacy) because seriously, I feel so... Mistreated... I have done nothing wrong, NOTHING, and I will stand by that. Nobody seems to care about my mental health, my personal well-being. I lost two of my best friends... In one fell swoop... and C said... she just wanted to help me... Hmph. Liars. I'm sick of liars. I just want to be with people who care about me....

GOOD NEWS TIME!

I'm thinking about getting a normal relationship going. You know, the type where you ask someone out and then you actually like, get to KNOW each other before you move too quickly? Yeah. I'm thinking about two people who I really don't technically LIKE but I think we'd be good matches.

J and G. Hehe. That's a hint for people who know me *cough HANNAH cough*

J I have no classes with, but always makes me laugh. We're pretty good friends, or were last year, and we talk together in the hallways alot when Jonah and C are being all... bleck. I don't think he likes it either, because he always walks over to me to talk to me, and vice versa. That's nice though. We have a re-match in battleship when we get back to school, and he's SO going down. Hehe. But yeah, we make each other laugh alot. I think that's good, right?

G I also have no classes with, because he's in... general Ed. But still. He reminds me of Ray alot, but more quiet. I sat next to him on the bus for the Macy's Day Parade... We talked about video games alot, and movies, and our lives... And Family Guy! whoo. Also we made a bunch of "that's what she said" jokes and stuff. He's real nice. Plus on the ride home Devan sat next to us, and made me scoot into him. AND THEN HE WAS BEING ALL WEIRD and making faces and stuff and it was scary and I got to lean into him... Hmm... His hair smells like flowers X3 We got alot in common, but I don't think he likes me. Eh. Oh well.

So yes. That's my life.

...I'm thinking about abandoning D.A. As much as I love it, and HAVE loved it, I just... don't get enough attention anymore to really need to be on here. I think I want to leave and never come back. But I can't. I really can't. I fell in love with deviantart a little over a year ago. I'm not the best artist, but hell I'm not the worst... I write, and I thought maybe some people would like it. I don't get many comments, and not many faves. I see people out there using alot of bases, and that's it, and they get so many more comments and faves than I do... (no offense to you people! I'm just jealous ranting!) I mean, I work very hard on all on my writings, and my pictures, and I get... Almost no attention? People who use bases don't even make them. They pop hair on them and consider it good. I have only ever used two bases, and one I put over a background that I painted MYSELF. I think... I'm angry because I don't get much attention, less than people who don't work very hard for it. I just... Can't decide what to do. I guess the amount of comments on this jounal will tell me. I have about four active watchers that are friends with me... Hannah, Marcus, Carol, and Chris... And then like three other watchers that I don't talk to much but are very nice. I'm thinking about becoming better friends with them... But I'm not sure how to, haha... I'm... Scared to talk to a few people because of recent events. I feel like they'll hate me and yell at me and stuff... Well except one person.

I've decided to quit getting attatched to people WAY out of my league. But it's hard. I just... I dunno. Good people who are very nice to me and seem to care about me... I just... they seem so rare nowadays. It's like everyone that IS a good person is a lie...

Merry Christmas to you all. Even though it's late.

Comments

fox333's picture

hahahaha land of sharp

hahahaha land of sharp knives!
Merry Christmas to you too! :D

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde