Honestly, I don't feel like I'm living. I'm alive, but I'm not living. Like I'm in a state of suspension, and I'm just breathing for the time being because I can't just fall asleep and wake up when it's over.
I just, don't know how to deal with this.
You know, some kids want a car and an iPod touch and a new phone and expensive clothing and all I want is to be able to look in the fucking mirror and see -me-.
I don't see -me- when I look in the mirror. I see an ambiguous collection of body parts, I see corrections that need to be made. I see a map of successes and disasters, places that need to be cut or sewn or treated, but I don't see myself.
And it sucks because I really honestly do like most of my body, but I can't stand the parts that I don't identify with so much that the fact that I love the rest of my body isn't enough to balance it out.
And you know, I want to live.
Sorry. I'll stop ranting and go to sleep. I have a final in math tomorrow and I haven't even studied so I'm going to just study in the morning before school. Whatever. Then I'll get home and finish my essay and put notes together for my English final and go and watch Avatar for the second time (because my dad hasn't seen it, also, because it's in 3D) and consider going to PA this weekend or staying at home and having the whole house to myself. Which would be nice because I could stay up until one in the morning and sing or play guitar as loud and as terribly as I wanted and nobody would complain. But I'd feel kind of bad if I didn't go. XP
I'm not close to any of my extended family though, except for my cousins who visit a lot. Like, I feel awkward talking to my grandparents or uncles or aunts or whatever. I never really see them + my dad is kind of the black sheep, so it's weird.