And now he dumped me. and a poem!

Dracofangxxx's picture

Lovely.

Anyways, I really don't care. But today was seriously THE worst day of my entire life. I had to spend about seventy percent of my day being around Jonah and Brea. Making out. GROSS.

I cried, I ran away, I did everything in my power to NOT hurt anybody. Argh. I have... serious emotional problems. I wish I didn't, but I do, and not hurting people is hard for me. I feel worse and worse every time I have to admit that. I don't want to be a monster.

But sometimes my mind is more violent than my body wants to be. I threw up today. I barely ate anything. I feel so... unloved. I guess I can't argue, I'm too emotionally unstable to really be loved by anybody worthwhile. I'm just... someone who drives people away...

Why... Can't she just find another guy....

They won't be together forever... After all, forever's just a year a month and six days....

Dreamer.

"Take me, angel of fallen sky
I honestly would love to die
But suicide is a petty sin
And life's a game I cannot win

So bless me heaven up above
Either death befall me or true love
I want to leave this shattered life
Full of such unwanted strife

Tell me now, have I deserved?
All the pain that has emerged?
Am I so cold, bad, and needy
A broken car that's stuck on empty?

I don't want to love this stupid boy-
For him I was just a toy...
Don't even dare to say I was not
He was just a painful lesson taught;

Do not trust with all your heart
Or else it'll be broken all apart
Just stay away, an open distance
If you want a stable balance

Love's a game that's hard to play-
Although I'd play it any day
I want to feel like I belong
And that my choices aren't always wrong...

I try so hard to be different-
Nice, loving, fun, and valiant;
But I try too hard, I always fail
I'm weak and stupid and I'm frail

I wish I could be this awesome girl
One who could change the world!
Being selfless and kind to all
My love and my smile would enthrall!

All the people from near and far-
Would come to see the shining star!
Then finally the world would see!
That wonderful star happens to be me!"

I need more friends.

Comments

Uncertain's picture

Hey Shelby. Obviously you're

Hey Shelby. Obviously you're going through a very rough patch right now, and all I can wish is that you're okay. No matter what happens on your side of the world, remember you're still very special to us on this site. But making more friends is a good idea, having a wide support group means you probably means you'll be less attached to Jonah. Too much closeness sometimes is a disturbing and uncomfortable thing. It emotionally imprisons people.

However, I have a few questions, out of similar concern for you. If Brea dated another person would that really make Jonah like you back? I don't think the problem is Brea, and you may have realised that - but I think it's simply best to move on. Of course, easier said than done.

Oh, and a cliche for the day. Love yourself before loving anyone else. You may be dating other people while you are not over Jonah and not care about how those relationships turn out (which already is slightly problematic) but you need to feel whole before you involve yourself emotionally. No matter how many boys or girls you date, they're not meant to complete you. Not even Jonah. You'll have to complete yourself.

A heart-wrenching poem.

Dracofangxxx's picture

I still feel for Jonah, but

I still feel for Jonah, but I do not want him back... not really. What I want is to be his friend without all this hate! I... Can't stand seeing him cling to Brea, love her, kiss her... Like he did for me... I miss that. It's sickening to me. I hate it giving me this stupid eating problem. I only eat maybe one meal a day, and yesterday I threw it up. At Hoffer's house. I weighed myself today, and I weigh about 114 pounds. That's three less than the beginning of last year. I guess you could say that it's a positive thing, because I need to lose weight, but it's also bad, too. I'm supposed to be eating... I just have no apetite anymore.

And really...? I do feel whole. Just... Not around Jonah. I can be ok without him around, but especially when he's around Brea. That's where I lose it, and have to run away. I sprint when I get angry, because it cools me down. And I hate running! But Jonah sees it as me trying to get attention... I just don't wanna hurt him...
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Sometimes I like to sit at night and stare at the lamppost because it's the brightest thing in my life...

elph's picture

And Just 24 Hours Earlier...

...you were on the top of the world :-(

I can only imagine what the state of your emotions may be... but don't you have that YES (yesterday) to look forward to? You seemed so happy then... I desperately hope that the "yes" and the "dumping" were not from the same source... if so, this would be sheer cruelty!

Back to school tomorrow (a presumption) and mingling with your friends will surely help.

Dracofangxxx's picture

same guy. yep. and I hope

same guy. yep.

and I hope tomorrow will be fun... but... sigh... I have to spend the entire first period around Jonah being an ass to me. Lovely, eh?
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Sometimes I like to sit at night and stare at the lamppost because it's the brightest thing in my life...

ferrets's picture

hmmmm

i swear, girl, just slap him if he says anything. i mean if he says anything jerkish just reach over and slap him so hard he bleeds in his miuth

experince the awe and mystery that reaches from the deepest inner mind to the outer limits!

Dracofangxxx's picture

haha dude I would have! but

haha dude I would have! but Hoffer was gonna stand in my way if I did! that's why I had to run- I couldn't take both of them!
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Sometimes I like to sit at night and stare at the lamppost because it's the brightest thing in my life...