Coming out to your parents

x.sarcasm's picture

I'm sure there are other posts like this, but whatever. So... The question is, do your parents know? If so, how did you bring it up? What were their reactions? If not, are you going to tell them? How? When? And which parent would be (or is) more accepting?

swimmerguy's picture

Hey thanks!

I could probably use this too. Because neither of my parents know still, and I think it's kinda weird my swim team knows and yet I still can't tell my parents. I just feel sick when I think about actually doing it, and then it brings back the "why me?"s. I've started researching it, but what is a good age to do it at?

"The sole right of a human being is the right to do whatever you damn well please. Their sole duty is to take responsibility for their actions" ~ P.J. O'Rourke

eggboy's picture

Most of my friends know and

Most of my friends know and I can't tell my parents either

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? ~Ernest Gaines

elph's picture

A single thought...

If you start to feel that you're obliged to hide from your parents the events in your life that bring you joy and a sense of fulfillment... then, the time is drawing inexorably nearer.

When the decision is made, chose the venue carefully. An understanding and sympathetic sibling (if you're so fortunate) or a close family friend by your side could prove to be a valuable asset...

Properly implemented, your relationship with your parents will surely become as you have always wished, but more so!

Wolfcry's picture

lol both mine know, and I

lol both mine know, and I basicly got into a political arguement with them about gay marrage, got steamed up and shouted it at them.

"Oh what tangled webs we weave, When we practice to deceive. I know you well, Actions and motives. Bear the cross, wear the crown, it's just some evil you can't bleed out. Hell has to notice, Your actions and motives." 10 Years, Actions And Motives

elph's picture


It's never cool to lose yours. Would it be too compromising of your personal sovereignty to express your views (especially to parents) without becoming steamed?

Wolfcry's picture

lol this was 4 years ago,

lol this was 4 years ago, when I had less controll over my emotions. Now I kinda wish I had less controll. I kinda miss exploding...

"Oh what tangled webs we weave, When we practice to deceive. I know you well, Actions and motives. Bear the cross, wear the crown, it's just some evil you can't bleed out. Hell has to notice, Your actions and motives." 10 Years, Actions And Motives

jeff's picture

I do think...

People put too much thought into the conversation and the venue and making it this perfect moment, and I have to say, once you hit the "I'm gay" part, none of that will matter to them. The artful conversation steering, the words, all devolve into "I'm gay" so I wouldn't put too much effort into the rest.

When are you ready to tell them? Obviously, the younger you are, the more they won't believe you. If your Dad was interested in girls at 13, the same logic doesn't apply if you're into boys at the same age.

So, it's all a personal decision. When do you want to stop lying to them? How long do you want them to not know their kid and what she's going through? Their reaction will likely not change during your teen years anyway, so if they're going to have the same reaction at 17 as 14, why wait? Unless you anticipate it going very poorly, then wait until it's time to almost leave the house. But you could be wrong.

I do think you can never come out and just start being out. Tell them if your friend is gay, where you're going, what you do, never going out of your way to hide anything, but never to tell them something you otherwise wouldn't, either. Live a life without secrets, but also without telling them, and at some point, they might ask you, and you can just say yes.

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

clarice123's picture

mom and dad

I came out to my mom when we were at the library one day. I had checked out the book "Boy Meets Boy" by David Levithan (which, by the way, is a very good book) and had it in my sweatshirt so she wouldn't see. Eventually, she noticed my awkward walking and asked what it was. She realized from my hiding of the book that something was up, and I told her that I was bi, I think. Even though I'm really a lesbian, well i was figuring it out then so whatever. She took it pretty well. And when my dad found out he took it well too. Both of them like my girlfriend a lot and are supportive of me. In the end though, I think you are the best judge of how your own parents will react.

carmen143's picture

When I told my parents...

My dad was completely accepting. He told me he supports me and loves me.

When I told my mom she kinda laughed and asked if I was serious.

I said yeah I was and her reaction was the same and my dad's.

My approach was just to say, "Hey, I'm gay."

Almost my exact words. Lol.

You could choose to be more subtle however. :)

The main thing is to not rush. Make sure you accept yourself and are ready to spread the word then move on to other people.

Good luck!

<3 FLAME ON! <3

Super Duck's picture

I was only 12 when I told my

I was only 12 when I told my dad. I had just realized I liked a girl at school, and I was afraid people would find out. I was extremely upset at the idea of such a thing, and my dad found me crying in my room late that night. He somehow managed to get the information out of my huge, sobbing mess.

I was 13 when I told my mom. I waited a while because I hated talking to her. I still do. We were in the car, and she was being horribly annoying about guys, asking me if I thought any were cute yet, etc. After about 10 minutes of that crap, I got peeved and yelled out that I liked a girl. It took a year and 3 school bullies to get her to take me seriously. :|

I did everything kind of early, but you must remember that I am only 15 right now.

Wolfcry's picture

lol I started figureing it

lol I started figureing it all out at the ripe old age of 6. so... like 8 years of denial... and everyone STILL knew before me...

"Oh what tangled webs we weave, When we practice to deceive. I know you well, Actions and motives. Bear the cross, wear the crown, it's just some evil you can't bleed out. Hell has to notice, Your actions and motives." 10 Years, Actions And Motives

RainbowStorm's picture

I am divided

I am divided. I think that I should tell my dad because he is always like, "you be who and what you want to be." But I am worried that he might tell my mom and I am definitely not ready for my mom to know.
Love from

I'm not Gay, but my Girlfriend is!!!!!!

eggboy's picture

would you be able to ask him

would you be able to ask him not to tell your mom?

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands? ~Ernest Gaines

tenmilestilts's picture

i made a fuss when my

i made a fuss when my parents watched Milk without me, even though they'd said they'd wait. a *big* fuss. i kinda hoped that they'd ask me then, but it wasn't until about a week later when my mom asked, "so was there a reason why you made a big deal about us watching Milk without you?" she told my dad, i guess, and he recently asked for a confirmation. my mom reacted pretty much how i expected--not anti-gay in any way, but doubtful that i could know my own mind. but we're okay on it now, i guess. just took a little time to get okay with the idea, and for my mom to know it wasn't just a whim.
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

Just Dave's picture


In my house we have this wonderful tradition of never talking about anything serious ever, so it hasn't come up yet.

Funny timing for this post, as I plan on coming out to them monday.

Wolfcry's picture

Best of luck to you. If you

Best of luck to you. If you need a hide out, you know how to find me. :D

"This is what I thought, I thought you need me, This is what I thought so think me naïve, I promise you a heart you'd promise to keep, Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep." Prelude 12/21 - AFI

elph's picture

Judging from your posts...

...I'm confident that you've come to this decision after considering all of the cost-benefit possibilities!

Whether it's Monday or some time later, I can only cheer your determination to allow your parents to more fully appreciate what an admirable son they have nurtured.

Question: Does Monday have some auspicious significance?

Just Dave's picture


Seriously, the you people are way too kind.

@ Wolfcry; If things go awry, I definitely know a good place to run to.

@Elph; I actually really appreciate your confidence. Confidence is not something I have much of at the moment.

Monday does have a significance, but it is kind of hard to explain. I was actually going to make a journal about it right now, but that is going to have to wait until after dinner.

x.sarcasm's picture


Be sure to tell how it goes! Good luck!

kyle hearts you's picture

My parents do not know. I

My parents do not know. I really have no desire to tell them because, honestly, I don't consider it a big part of my life. To me it really is a no biggie and if they ask me tomorrow, it would be awkward and painful, but no big deal in the long run. That's just me, though. I also don't feel like I'm hiding anything from them, so there's none of that guilt.

jeff's picture


I'm confused why telling them something that is "no biggie" would then be painful? Seems off.

"Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." - Kurt Cobain

kyle hearts you's picture

Well, it's kind of like going to the doctor.

I know I should tell my family (and I will in the near future), but it's easier to keep the status quo than to shake things up.

runningupthefreeway's picture

and the doctor telling you

and the doctor telling you they think your too fat. something you already know, but i still might be kind of depressing. Not too depressing, but still.

Abelle's picture

Come out to my mom

I had been planning to for about a month, but my first attempt completely failing. The words just jumbled together in my throat. Then several weeks later I tried again. I told myself it was time to tell her, and so I did. I went to her office and told her I needed to tell her something. And so I told her. I was going to wait until she went out to the garage so we could have more privacy, but waiting was killing me. Plus I knew that if I didn't do it at that moment, I never would.

As for her reaction... she took it pretty well. Her eyes got to the size of dinner plates, but she didn't yell or cry. At least not to my face. Then she said it was a surprise, and proceeded to ask me a few questions.

bayshore24's picture

both my parents know, but i

both my parents know, but i don't think my mom is taking me seriously lol ^^ the other day, she asked me, "so, are there any girls at your school that you like?" no, she didn't mean just a friend. i was just like, "ummm noooo? mom, you know im gay, so why the question?" anyways, i just sorta brought it up with my dad, and then later i told him i was gay. he just said, "remember, im your father and i'll love you always." i didn't really want to tell my mom,cus she's kinda annoying XD but eventually i told her too. she didn't really react lol just kept going like nothing had happened.

Mandi's picture

they know

Both of my parents know
my father was simply like "thats great hunny, you know most people are not actually 100% heterosexual almost everyone has some sort of bisexual tenancy it takes a lot to admit it and not feel like you have to hide it."
my mother was a different story, there was a lot of scream and crying and her main response and argument was "you can't be gay I want grandchildren" that shut me up cause I didn't know how to respond to such a rude and selfish remark, I wasn't overly surprised she made my liking women about her somehow, but they way she did it really shocked me.

but now 5 years later they both do their best to be as supportive as they can, but mom still pushes for me to be with a man, but she says she wants me to happy, she just wants it to be with a man.

Miidahli's picture

My mom knows, my dad

My mom knows, my dad doesn't. I told my mom when she came home from work one day and I was in hysterics because I thought the girl I was in love with was going to kill herself (6 years ago or so). I came out more as bi-curious or just in love with this individual girl at the time, but she took it alright, she was a little awkward with what to say, but otherwise supportive. If I tell my father it will likely be after I graduate from college. If my father or the rest of my family wants to know I'm gay before then, they need only look at me. They shouldn't have to ask, I'm family and I am who I am, if they have an issue they can deal. My mom is my best friend and advocate, she goes to PFLAG now and she supports me and let's me talk about issues with relationships. She's awesome. :)

Mandi's picture

thats good

I wish I could gt my mother to just give PFAG a chance well it's been like 5 years, maybe this time around she will....

tenmilestilts's picture


it's PFLAG, dear, not left out the L. *bites lip in a trying-not-to-laugh way*
Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!

Mandi's picture


hahaha thats what I get for using the broken laptop stupid keyboard but when I reread that I laughed so hard I had to wait a bit to reply to this lol

Miidahli's picture

Completely for the win

Completely for the win there. :)

perple's picture



perple's picture

Well, my mom kinda asked if

Well, my mom kinda asked if I thought I might be questioning (at least that's how I took it) and I was like yeah (I already was like 99% I was a lesbian), and she was like ok. And later she brought it up again, "Had I thought anymore about thinking I might be bisexual?," and how she had already told my older sister and dad that (brother still does not know anything, but younger sister heard Original Conversation). And I told my mom, no, I think I'm a lesbian, and she was all like ok, and was very accepting. My older sister, with the whole "maybe bisexual" thing my mom told her said to her (still haven't talked to her) that everyone thinks they're bisexual in junior high. My dad apparently thinks that something in our town (which is very liberal) might have made me gay (in a nutshell, my mom told me). So I have some things to straighten out.

DannyM's picture

I feel kinda lucky..

I came out to my parents when I was 16 (I think), I had already told my older sister (who is like a best friend to me!). I'd never heard either of my parents say anything homophobic. I decided to tell my mum (mom :P ) first, my parents are separated and I've always got on better with my mum, so one day in the kitchen I was just kinda like -

"Mum, I want to talk to you about something"

She could tell I was serious and looked up at me and goes -

"I know"

I was like - "I'm gay" and she goes "I know, I've always known" I was like... "How?" (I don't come across as gay). She was just like "I'm your mum, I just know these things". Then we hugged. After that things have been cool. She told me about having a bit of a bi-curious stage back in school. If anything I was a little annoyed she said she already knew. Lol.

So then I decided to tell my Dad, so again I just approached him when he was home and said I wanted to tell him something. I don't remember exactly what he said, but he wasn't angry.. he did offer to get me a prostitute though (to check) lmfao. I think he was surprised, but over the past couple of years I recon he has really come to terms with it.

It makes me sad when I read stories where parents have been less accepting. I remember how incredibly hard it was for me to first tell even my sister, who I knew would be completely cool with it (maybe even get on with me better for it) so I can hardly imagine how it must feel to tell a parent who then struggles with the news. I've been through a lot of crap but at least on this I feel kinda lucky.

KittyCat's picture

I came out to my parents via

I came out to my parents via letter (that I wrote by hand and everything, which I never do) when I was going away for the weekend. My best friend who was living with us at the time, A came out with me. My Dad responded with a text that said he loved us both no matter what.

Other than that I have recieved nothing beyond that.

Which kinda sucks.

Oh wait, my Mom yelled at my brother once for using gay as a swear.

But since then I have gotten no defense or support.

I did get (bad) support for not-coming out. And I was all "SCREW YOU GUYS. I know you're trying to protect me and everything but I'm not living a lie!"

I can't say which of my parents is more accepting because they never talk about it. I'd say my dad but the fact I won't be able to have grandchildren (which is BS, it's called adoption or a surrogate, but I digress) makes me unsure. My mom simply avoids it entirely, even forgetting that I'm gay at times. She apparently doesn't remember the one time we talked about which actors were hot or not for about an hour.

I came out to my sister before anyone else in my family. She was the third person to know I'm gay. She was relieved because I first said "You love me no matter what right?" and she thought that meant I was doing hard drugs! XD I came out to my brother the first time he was home on leave since I came out to my parents. He was awkward but said it didn't matter.

My brother doesn't remember. But he is away (being a soldier) a lot so I let it slide.

My sister remembers and is the only family (other than best friend A) who actually supports me because we always got along better with each other than my brother, and now we can share more stuff. (Nail polish, make up, etc. Yes I'm super-femme, deal with it.)

FreedomUniversal's picture

Coming Out

I remember my coming out story because I simply drove myself mad with feelings of indecision and had to get it off my chest. My family was relaxing in the living room and I promtly came in and announced something like: "Hey you all know I'm gay, right?" My younger sisters laughed because they had already suspected for so long and my mother turned to me and said, "Well that is fine, anyone can be what the want to be." Boy oh boy was I pleased!


the outcast boy's picture

I got beat up

everyone in my school knows.So they beat me up and tease me.So my mom is starting to catch on i think shes giving me weird looks

elph's picture

You Shouldn't Have to Put Up With This!

...but times are changing. But much too slowly!

All I can offer is... persevere and stay cool! And cherish those who are your friends...

ShowMeLove's picture

I haven't come out yet...

It's just too awkward a conversation to have with my parents. I figure, I'll just be myself and when I date a girl I won't hide the fact that we're "together". Eventually, if they haven't already, they will get the message.

I think my dad will be the more accepting one. I just don't think he'll care. Plus, I think he already believes there's a large possibility that I'm gay anyways. That's not saying that my mom will have a bad reaction. A few years ago I think she would have. But now I think I've softened her views on gay issues AND I'm pretty sure that she knows that I'm queer in some way. In general, I think she's just more accepting and open to the idea.

-- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- -- --
"Not all who wander are lost"
- J.R.R. Tolkien

oldfoxbob's picture


Parents can be a real pain some times. To tell or not to Tell is always the question. Some parents can be liberal, other conservative. If your parents are Democrat or Republican can help let you know how they may take the news of your being gay. My advise is to be yourself. Be open to yourself and live your life as you want it to be lived, openly. Your friends and family will figure it out sooner or later. Always have a back up plan encase things go array. Such tell mom because she is the most liberal....she tells dad who is not and dad goes off the deep end and throws you out of the house. (hey its happened) You need to have some one who you can trust to go to for a bed and help. Do things slowly...never lie...if asked...tell the truth....make sure your friends know first...then family... for the above reason. Otherwise just like I open...but most of yourself.
Good luck

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.