Don't you love my fake happiness that I have to do when someone's reading over my shoulder?

Dracofangxxx's picture

Anyways. Here's what I really wanted to say last time...

Heartbreak. You hear about it, you think you know what it's like... You may even think it's happened to you. But no. When you first get your heart broken... it's more like a soulbreak. I remember fondly all the memories, the kisses, the laughs... That glimmer in his eye when he saw my face, the tender kisses on my forehead... But now that I think back on it... We were never meant to last. He has so many flaws that he could never overcome that conflicted with me. We were almost polar opposites! I can't... get him out of my head. The memories, anyways. The pain is gone... I'm so numb now... It's wrong feeling, but I'm embracing it. I miss... everything... I just want to be his friend. So bad I want to be his friend. But he hates me. He hates everything about me... He always has, too, and I see that now. It's all over now...

I feel like someone's sitting on my chest. I'm on the edge, I'm on the brink of drowning. That's how heartbreak works. It's like... a reverse metamorphosis. I'm turning... from something beautiful into something ugly. Because I know I am ugly. Every night I dream of his face, his laugh, his embrace. His putrid love. It burns me inside, taking down my soul. I learned that when you give your heart away, they just stomp on it. And every time you try to fix it up so that they like it and give it back again, they just step on it over and over again... until... It breaks... and you have to find a new one. I tell myself at night that I don't miss him anymore. I tell myself that he was so bad for me. I say so much to myself, lying again and again... To take off the pain...

I want to kill him, I want to kiss him.

Even now, I sit at home thinking if he's missing me at all. No, of course he isn't, he's got Brea. Everyone LOVES Brea. I'm just that girl in the background. I'm just Shelby. The quiet, annoying, ugly, Sheldon. The fucked-up, depressed, fat, Sheldon who needs to die. I'm seriously thinking about just giving them what they want... but... I can't. I promised. I promised alot of people. I refuse to become a percentage.

I will prevail, as a new person. From now on... I am Alexa. I shall become my guardian angel. Alexa Trenton.

Sigh. That was my old name for my happy half... being Alexa I could be myself without feeling judged... now... I'll just be her... Who cares what others think about me? Life's just a game we all play anyways. Why should I care how good I do? I'm just gonna die some time anyways...

Ahh... I should shut up now... And go shower before I start crying again...

Comments

fox333's picture

awwww *HUGS* I don't know

awwww *HUGS* I don't know how you feel but I too want to be my ex's friend but he still refuses to talk to me.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde

Dracofangxxx's picture

*hug* it's alright :) I'm

*hug*

it's alright :) I'm sorry that your ex won't talk to you either.
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Sometimes I like to sit at night and stare at the lamppost because it's the brightest thing in my life...