is it too much to ask, for honesty? for you to stop playing games with me? why do you systematically tear me apart? does it give you a thrill or something? why do you tell me you love me? you know that i'll have sex with you even if you don't. you know i don't expect you to love me back, that i'm content just being with you, so why bother? why tell me that you wish i could be the only one when i'm not? if you want it, make it happen, don't fool around like this, i've been waiting my whole life to belong to someone and for someone to belong to me. don't tell me that you want a serious relationship when right now you're with another boy. why, why why.
i wish you'd just be real with me.
i got to see a flash of vulnerability from you yesterday. « I'm afraid ». maybe that was the first true thing you've said to me. i didn't ask you why, because i knew. i know that what i did brought back things you never wanted to remember. i know that you're afraid of getting hurt, even more than me. i know so much more about you than you think i do. and after that instant, it was gone, you were in control. but it's not really you who's in control, it's him, the one who molested you throughout your childhood. it's because of him that you feel the need to be with people in their teens, because you were so absent during that time, because you think you're getting a second chance, because he broke you, because you need my innocence, my youth. the expression in your face when you fuck me looks almost painful.
you know, you bring something so much different to my life. there's a part of you that's so different from anyone that i've ever known. but you see, everyone brings a little part, and all of those make a whole.
well, i must thank you for being honest with me about that. i know you see other guys. that you try to seduce anything that moves. that you want what you can't have. what you said is the problem with you. and i know that even the best person could never amount for the «whole» that you have now. because whole, without the w, ends up just being that to you in the end, because you're not really getting anything that has meaning. humans aren't legos, you can't take the head of one, the body of another, the legs of the next. you get the whole package or you don't, not just specific parts. one day, you find one that makes you happy and that's enough. actual love is finding perfection in imperfections.
we could be happy, maybe. if you let yourself be. i know you're just pretending to yourself, that seeing all these other guys doesn't make you truly happy. i know you're just rebounding off F by seeing me. and i know you know that he's even worse a person than you are, that he's selfish and manipulative, and just mean.
(on a side note to oasis : once, i had sex with F. he made me hurt on purpose, going way too hard. he later told X that he liked seeing me hurting like that, that it made him happy. if that's not a cruel person, i don't know what is. he's also talkshitted me to many people. i've lost a few friends because of it. to be honest, i really don't get it. he scares me, because he has no reason to act that way, and it's not justified.)
i know that you're afraid of me, too. because i'm kind, patient, affectionate. you tell yourself you don't deserve it. and bit by bit, if i wanted to, i could make you love me the way i love you, the way you love, or loved, F. you'd see, sooner or later, how good i am for you.
but for now, i'm not content being a part of a whole. i should be that whole. and someone is going to make me feel that way. it won't be you, not ever. because right now, i can't deal with your games. and either you're too confused, or i'm fooling myself into thinking that you might actually have feelings for me.
so i'll see you thursday and we'll watch a movie, cuddle, have sex, whatever, a last time, so that i can tell you some of these things, and maybe they'll get to you and maybe they won't. and after, i'm dropping off the face of the earth. i'm changing phone numbers, email addresses. you don't know where i live, and my house number is unlisted in the phone book. you won't be able to find me anymore and make me want you again. and you'll never know why i ever truly left, and it's better that way.
so congratulations on breaking my heart. you did a good job. you've taught me that i should always assume things are lies before proven they aren't. you've taught me to be restrained, to keep my heart under lock and key where no one can lay a fingernail on it. you've taught me that, to not get hurt in love, you should never love the person more than they do in return. and i'm thankful for everything i've learned from you, because now, no one will ever hurt me again the way you did.