Tried doing the whole "Write a letter to your future me" email thing.
Apparently God won't let me. I'm not gonna explain. But gee thanks, God.
I miss my daughter. I hope I get to meet her someday.
Erika, oh Erika, my beautiful green-eyed angel.
Today is January 26th, 2010. You have been at an orchestra practice all day, and you took a shower, and cut yourself again. Five cuts. More than ever before.
You fell in love with a boy named Jonah. Even today, you're having trouble getting over him. You loved him so much. He's gone, with Brea. You tell everyone you're over him, even yourself, but you know that you aren't. You want to cry. You miss him. You love him. But it's all over. You felt... FEEL like killing yourself.
Now tomorrow might be the last day of your life. Is that scary? Does your old writing scare you? Maybe perhaps now you're on meds and actually getting help for your emotional problems. I don't know yet.
Right now, you're with Garret. You love him, or are starting to, but something's different, of course. You miss Jonah. You miss everything about him. But it's time to let go. It's time to write out everything you hated about him, so you can read it later and realize that it was the right choice.
I hate the way you always pushed me around
I hate the way you never shared
I hate the way you never admit you're wrong
I hate the way you never want compromise, only success
I hate how you were never thankful, but expected thanks from me
I hate the way you stole my virginity
I hate the way you made it seem like we'd be together forever, get married, have our little Erika. Our beautiful green-eyed girl
I hate the way you called me "your beautiful angel" and told me someday we'd run away from it all and you'd protect me forever
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you.
So here's a poem to myself, that I'll not read for a long time.
There's always a future, beyond the mist.
There's always a bit of love that you may have missed.
You cry at night, and never see
That there's always a future for you and me.
You wanted love, you still do
You wanted one that grew and grew
We fail to realize that we have each other
We always have one another.
You are me and I am you
And with this life I have decided I'm through.
My past is forgotten, but never forgiven
So this is for the future me who's going to heaven.
Whereas I'm still going to hell.
I love you.