You'll never guess who I lie to the most.
It's a problem for me, and it scares me, because I don't want to be like my mom. My mom does it to the point where she's delusional.
I only really lie to myself about my feelings. Before it was "I'm not a boy, I'm not trans, I'm a girl" and often it was now it's something a lot less distressing, but distressing nonetheless. My most recent lie is "I'm over him."
I guess I almost was. Or, I dunno. Maybe I mixed up not having a crush anymore with being over him. A crush is when you really like someone and want to be in a relationship with them and they make your heart race, or at least, that's how I define it for me. But I don't feel that way towards him anymore.
But I love him, and it's scary. I'm not -in- love with him or any of that romantic stupid whatever. I just love him, I don't care if he goes off and gets married to long-distance-boy in 10 years as long as he's happy. (But the moment long-distance-boy hurts him, he's a dead man.) but when I think about all of the shit he's been through it tears me up more than my own shit does. I still find myself with urges to hold his hand and I don't know what any of this means and it's scary and I wish there was a way to explain all of this to him without making things awkward and I don't want him to feel bad or responsible or worry because I'm ok with how things are even if I am scared of my own feelings.
He's getting surgery (lower surgery this time) over the summer, and I really (really) wish I could go with him. I almost would but it's not practical because it'd cost a few thousand for plane tickets and for food and I need that money for my own surgeries. But if we had the money I'd go with him in a heartbeat. He's going to be out of it and on pain meds the whole time but it's something important.
Sometimes I worry about money but then I decide that I'm going to do the things that I have to do which are getting surgery and going to college. And if it takes me a long time or if I have to spend a long time paying it off, so be it. Because those aren't things I simply want to do, but things I have to do, for myself.
Ok. Done ranting now.