Liar

Riku's picture

You'll never guess who I lie to the most.

Myself.

It's a problem for me, and it scares me, because I don't want to be like my mom. My mom does it to the point where she's delusional.

I only really lie to myself about my feelings. Before it was "I'm not a boy, I'm not trans, I'm a girl" and often it was now it's something a lot less distressing, but distressing nonetheless. My most recent lie is "I'm over him."

I guess I almost was. Or, I dunno. Maybe I mixed up not having a crush anymore with being over him. A crush is when you really like someone and want to be in a relationship with them and they make your heart race, or at least, that's how I define it for me. But I don't feel that way towards him anymore.

But I love him, and it's scary. I'm not -in- love with him or any of that romantic stupid whatever. I just love him, I don't care if he goes off and gets married to long-distance-boy in 10 years as long as he's happy. (But the moment long-distance-boy hurts him, he's a dead man.) but when I think about all of the shit he's been through it tears me up more than my own shit does. I still find myself with urges to hold his hand and I don't know what any of this means and it's scary and I wish there was a way to explain all of this to him without making things awkward and I don't want him to feel bad or responsible or worry because I'm ok with how things are even if I am scared of my own feelings.

He's getting surgery (lower surgery this time) over the summer, and I really (really) wish I could go with him. I almost would but it's not practical because it'd cost a few thousand for plane tickets and for food and I need that money for my own surgeries. But if we had the money I'd go with him in a heartbeat. He's going to be out of it and on pain meds the whole time but it's something important.

Sometimes I worry about money but then I decide that I'm going to do the things that I have to do which are getting surgery and going to college. And if it takes me a long time or if I have to spend a long time paying it off, so be it. Because those aren't things I simply want to do, but things I have to do, for myself.

Ok. Done ranting now.

Comments

fox333's picture

Good for you. It is

Good for you. It is important to put yourself first in a relationship. Some people don't do that and I think that is where you get into trouble.

A man is educated and turned out to work. But a woman is educated and turned out to grass.
Pearl S. Buck

Riku's picture

I'm not even -in- a

I'm not even -in- a -relationship- though. We're friends, (I don't want to say 'just' friends because I value my friendships (at least the good ones) as much as I would any romantic relationship.) which I'm okay with actually.

But I mean, even if we were, and he wanted me to come, I'm sure he'd understand because he knows what it's like to need a surgery like that.

TotalGeek42's picture

I'm pretty sure I know what

I'm pretty sure I know what you mean with how you feel about him...

It's weird, isn't it? Feeling that way about someone? I'm not unhappy with it, it's just odd...

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

"Dreaming that someone unknown has died means that either you've been watching too much CSI..." - 5thstory

Riku's picture

I'm not unhappy with it

I'm not unhappy with it either. I'm kind of scared, but not unhappy. Does that even make sense? Heh.

TotalGeek42's picture

Yeah.. well, it does to me.

Yeah.. well, it does to me. xD

"Assets, assets..."

"Well I've got a banana, and in a pinch you could put up some shelves..."

"Dreaming that someone unknown has died means that either you've been watching too much CSI..." - 5thstory