-0 self esteem

tyweee's picture

ok i need some help..ok lots of it but i dont expect to get it all just some opinions. there are a lot of different things that have shaped the way i feel about myself now. and sorry for the length
i was given away at birth to a foster home. knowing that makes me feel like i was just a thing. when i was adopted at 4 i still remember it and i felt like once again i was just given away. im happy with my family now i love them but i just dont have a connection to any of my family members other then my mom dad and sister. everyone else grew up together have story's and when they tell them im just like O_O. its weird talking about ancestors to of the family because i can say oh my grandfather was blah blah blah but the truth is he wasnt he isnt my blood family i dont know where or who i come from and its confusing and i feel out of place because of this sometimes.
From grades 1-10 i have been made fun of for color,weight,voice,people i hang out with, and the way i dress. i may act like it doesn't bother me but after so many times of being bothered for something it sinks in and just stays there in the back of your head. im not a mean person at all so when people picked on me for no reason i was just like wtf. i dont think im cute i think im below average and its sucks when people around you talk about the perfect this or the perfect that on a guy. i dont hate the guys for looking that way i just dont need to be reminded of what i dont have. in these times people can be so discouraging with things they say like people tell me im white washed ok i get it dont need to be told over and over but then i guess they dont think of me as being "black" so they dont really hesitate on what they say bout oh i would never date..or eww no.just because im not under the stereotype of black doesnt mean where not of the same ethnicity. and people think i want to be white?? no i dont its no my fault the way i was raised its who i am. the other day as i joke i told my friend im going to die as an old dog man with 50 dogs and 20 stuffed ones. the thought made me laugh but truly sometimes i do think ill end up alone and i dont like thinking that.
i have never had a real relationship, never felt someones love for me other then my parents, never been hit on. when i get complements like that looks good on you i dont know how to react. im just not used to getting complements at all. i currently have a crush on this guy who i thing is perfect in every way its like people who dont like him dont ind him attractive but since i like him for him i find everything about him attractive. i have a feeling its not going anywhere and its saddening. im not great at rejection.
so yeah these are my issiues my lack of feeling connected, not knowing who i am, and no self confidence/esteem.

Riku's picture

You know who you should talk to?

My dad. He was also adopted, and he was often told that he "acted white" when he was younger too. I can give you his e-mail if you'd like.

I don't think you'll end up alone, I mean, you seem like a sweet person and I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees that. There are plenty of people who won't care about your skin color or say that you "act white" but rather love you for you.

I hope you start feeling better about yourself. You can talk to me if you want, I'm not as qualified as my dad on some of this subject matter but if you want to talk I'm here.

fox333's picture

*HUGS* and *RAINBOWS* for

*HUGS* and *RAINBOWS* for you. You need them. Maybe it is your school life? I used to feel that way about myself (Though I am not black or adopted) that the depression would never stop and I was worthless. Though I assure you, no matter how much of a loser you think you are, I am a much bigger loser. And someone loves me (who is not in my family. That is the surprising part) I always thought that I would be that crazy cat lady who no one loved. However I have recently decided that I was in love. Not for fun decided, but for real decided. If I can do it anyone can. This might sound trite, but once you get to know me you too might wonder how anyone could love me. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk some more.

I swear to the Lord, I still can't see, why Democracy means, everybody but me.
- Langston Hughes

oldfoxbob's picture

Hey now.

First off let me welcome you to Oasis, I saw in your profile your new. Great and welcome. Now your blog....You say that you are adopted and feel like you were nothing...WRONG...The family who adopted you got you by choice. They picked you out of the thousands out there. That makes you special!! My children were not chosen but we had them and had no choice in who they are or what they looked like or anything about them. You how ever that does not apply as your parents looked you over, Several others too. But they settled on you not them. They PICKED you. There fore you ARE special.
If your black or white, Brown or yellow makes no diffrence as you need to understand that there are people of all colors in the world. Heck some are black but look white. Some are White and look Red or brown. Some are green with purple poke a dots! LOL so really color means nothing to most of the world. Sure there are some out there who were brought up to dislike a color of skin. We need to teach them that there is really no diff as we all bleed red just like they do. Your liver works just like mine and theirs does as does your kidneys and heart. But the heart can be broken or at least cracked some times. It heals but it hurts just the same. It makes us stronger for it though. Tougher and wiser too.

As far as finding your soul mate, that takes time. Its not something that happens overnight or in one day. We all wish it did but down deep we know it doesn't happen that way. You are afraid that you are not good looking enough for that to happen and then blam it does. We just don't know when it will occur. That someone special walks through the door and we trip over each other, giggle and then realize that WOW he is cute or he is special. That WILL happen to you some day. May be tomorrow, may be the following year, But it will happen!

Self esteem is important to you, me, and to every one. That guy you think is cute. Have you told him that? Have you told him you think he is handsome. Try that not the cute word but the handsome word. Let him know that you are the type of person who speaks you mind and that when you see some one who is good looking you are the type of person who will tell them so. It may be the best ice breaker in the world or it can be the worse one too. Nothing ventured nothing gained they say.
Only you can be the leader of your destiny. Only you can build up your self esteem and confidence. It takes hard work, hard effort, and determination to lead your self, while not leading others. It takes time too, and you have all the time in the world in front of you. Just take the first step, then another.
Good luck from the old man on here. OFB

Genius is not a sign of intelligence, but rather
that of common sense. Humor is the best pain pill.

tyweee's picture

thanks so much for this i

thanks so much for this i mean i talk to people and never really get any response because most of them dont know what to say.Fox what you wrote made me smile and i thank you for that too :].and yeah he does know i like him thats how i got his number in the first place haha but that was really hard for me to do in the first place. thanks OFB what you wrote really had me thinking and yeah time seems the key to everything and it sucks but your right. im usually a patient person too i just want someone to be there who is more then a friend. i do feel better after reading these too thanks you guys

BANANA POWA!! :]

tenmilestilts's picture

if he gave you his phone

if he gave you his phone number because you told him you like him...that's very promising. that means he's interested on some level.
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Two wrongs don't make a right but three lefts do!