ok i need some help..ok lots of it but i dont expect to get it all just some opinions. there are a lot of different things that have shaped the way i feel about myself now. and sorry for the length
i was given away at birth to a foster home. knowing that makes me feel like i was just a thing. when i was adopted at 4 i still remember it and i felt like once again i was just given away. im happy with my family now i love them but i just dont have a connection to any of my family members other then my mom dad and sister. everyone else grew up together have story's and when they tell them im just like O_O. its weird talking about ancestors to of the family because i can say oh my grandfather was blah blah blah but the truth is he wasnt he isnt my blood family i dont know where or who i come from and its confusing and i feel out of place because of this sometimes.
From grades 1-10 i have been made fun of for color,weight,voice,people i hang out with, and the way i dress. i may act like it doesn't bother me but after so many times of being bothered for something it sinks in and just stays there in the back of your head. im not a mean person at all so when people picked on me for no reason i was just like wtf. i dont think im cute i think im below average and its sucks when people around you talk about the perfect this or the perfect that on a guy. i dont hate the guys for looking that way i just dont need to be reminded of what i dont have. in these times people can be so discouraging with things they say like people tell me im white washed ok i get it dont need to be told over and over but then i guess they dont think of me as being "black" so they dont really hesitate on what they say bout oh i would never date..or eww no.just because im not under the stereotype of black doesnt mean where not of the same ethnicity. and people think i want to be white?? no i dont its no my fault the way i was raised its who i am. the other day as i joke i told my friend im going to die as an old dog man with 50 dogs and 20 stuffed ones. the thought made me laugh but truly sometimes i do think ill end up alone and i dont like thinking that.
i have never had a real relationship, never felt someones love for me other then my parents, never been hit on. when i get complements like that looks good on you i dont know how to react. im just not used to getting complements at all. i currently have a crush on this guy who i thing is perfect in every way its like people who dont like him dont ind him attractive but since i like him for him i find everything about him attractive. i have a feeling its not going anywhere and its saddening. im not great at rejection.
so yeah these are my issiues my lack of feeling connected, not knowing who i am, and no self confidence/esteem.